April, 2016

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by the Dukov Oil Co., serving Pun for over a century. Dukov Oil proudly boasts, “We can fuel all of the people all of the time because there’s no fuel like an oil fuel.” Available throughout Pun.

After a particularly severe winter, Spring again has returned to Pun, characterized by temperate weather across most of the island and seasonal precipitation in the form of the Claude Rains. Early in the month, however, a low pressure area will be stalled over the northeast and consequently many inhabitants of this area will be feeling under the weather.

April 4: April 4 is Doris Day in Pun, a national holiday honoring Doris O’Pun, a revolutionary leader during the rebellion of 1800 which opened the door to constitutional government in Pun. Check with local city tourist bureaus for information on local celebration events. The O’Pun Arms Hotel (named for Doris O’Pun) in Pun City is offering discount rates on its rooms for the weekend festivities in the capital. Built in 1875, the O’Pun Arms is one of Pun’s oldest and grandest hotels, hospitable and inviting.

April 9: Young and old alike look forward to the annual re-opening of Shadowlands Theme Park just south of Fort Knight in central Pun. At Shadowland, you can hearken back to the days of Pun’s Dark Ages (the Age of Knights). Visitors to the this medieval village can find adventure on thrill rides such as the “Dragontrain” roller coaster, frolic on a typical village common in the “Plague Ground,” pick a crossbow and a quarrel at the “Archery Bunker,” watch simulated torture and beheadings at “Rack and Roll at the Palace,” or get a bite to eat at “Serf’s Sup.” Music is provided by a wandering band of musicians, The Minstrel Cycle, all of whom play period instruments.

April 11-17: This week on the Bikini Islands finds the Bum’s Rush Festival in full swing. The highlights are the Keister Parade held on the 11th and an Irish-themed semi-nude beauty contest, the Erin-Go-Bragh-less Pageant, on the 17.

April 25-30: This week the town of Coopdyville hosts the Punderground Festival but, as usual, we advise that you skip this event. Back in the 1920s, the street level around the old courthouse in the downtown area was raised. The stores on two adjoining streets, Investigation Alley and Contempt Avenue, were buried underground. In the 1980s, these underground shops were re-opened by entrepreneurs and the Punderground was born. It was designed to be home to trendy shops, restaurants and taverns but now sports a notorious reputation for high prices and outright fraud. Many of the shops are under Investigation and most of the rest are beneath Contempt. In addition, part of the city’s old sewer system has been turned into a water park called Sewerslide. If you choose to attend, you’ll find the most reputable shops to be Peter’s Cellars (a wine shop), Subs Terranean (featuring health-food sandwiches based mainly on locally grown mushrooms), Buried Treasures (antiques), Down Under (Australian goose-feather pillows and comforters), Deep Doodoo (organic fertilizers based mainly on locally grown mushrooms), the Doughnut Hole (pastries), and The Under Warehouse (lingerie).

All Month: In addition to the O’Pun Arms Hotel mentioned above, several other hotels throughout the islands are offering discount rates this month. Below are just a few. Check with local chambers of commerce for special deals.
Carpenter’s Square in Fort Ewinks was formerly the Lumber Inn, which was a plain, old fashioned boarding house located just south of the Fitfulse Lumber Yard. Remodeled and renamed in 1975, Carpenter’s Square is an excellent hotel run by a level-headed management. The hotel’s primary claim to fame, however, is its posh lounge, The Wrecking Bar, which features a potent gimlet punch but that’s not awl. The Screwdrivers and Rusty Nails are also guaranteed to keep you tight. The Wrecking Bar is a popular nightspot, as you miter guessed.
Babel Tower in Punta de Ball is an only partially completed hotel run by Polly Glott. It has to be experienced to be believed. Everyone who works here speaks a different language. There’s and Indian maid, an Arabian night clerk, a Blackfoot shoeshine boy, the barber is a Pole, the air-conditioner repairman is from Chile, the legal counsellor is Sioux, the bartender is a Black Russian, and the nightclub has a Czech bouncer. Nobody can understand anybody else abd, consequently, everybody’s in Dutch.
Mercy Boku operates the Vivaluff Ranch in Back Bend on the shores of Safen Sound. The rooms are large and welcoming, there is a splendid view from the top of stone spire known as the Eyeful Tower, and the meals at the hotel’s restaurant – The French Conniption – are fit for a king. But even though the Stream of Consciousness flows through the nearby fields, it will never be the Seine.