April, 2017

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by the Step-By-Step, Children’s School of Dance, operated by instructor Skip Toomaloo, who says, “Ask about our Baby Steps program.” Step-By-Step is located at 1234 Wontu Tree Ford in Foot Falls, Pun.

After a rather brutal winter, Spring again has returned to Pun, characterized by temperate weather across most of the island and seasonal precipitation in the form of the Claude Rains. Early in the month, however, a low pressure area will be stalled over the northwest and consequently many inhabitants of this area will be feeling under the weather.

April 4: April 4 is Doris Day in Pun, a national holiday honoring Doris O’Pun, a revolutionary leader during the rebellion of 1800 which opened the door to constitutional government in Pun. Check with local city tourist bureaus for information on local celebration events. The O’Pun Arms Hotel (named for Doris O’Pun) in Pun City is offering discount rates on its rooms for the weekend festivities in the capital. Built in 1875, the O’Pun Arms is one of Pun’s oldest and grandest hotels, hospitable and inviting.

April 8: Young and old alike look forward to the annual re-opening of Shadowlands Theme Park just south of Fort Knight in central Pun. At Shadowland, you can hearken back to the days of Pun’s Dark Ages (the Age of Knights). Visitors to the this medieval village can find adventure on thrill rides such as the “Dragontrain” roller coaster, frolic on a typical village common in the “Plague Ground,” pick a crossbow and a quarrel at the “Archery Bunker,” watch simulated torture and beheadings at “Rack and Roll at the Palace,” get a bite to eat at “Serf’s Sup,” and enjoy the daily parade of costumed cast members, the “Motley Crusade.” Music is provided by a wandering band of musicians, The Minstrel Cycle, all of whom play period instruments.

April 10-16: This week on the Bikini Islands finds the Bum’s Rush Festival in full swing. The highlights are the Keister Parade held on the 11th and an Irish-themed semi-nude beauty contest, the Erin-Go-Bragh-less Pageant, on the 16th.

April 24-29: This week the town of Coopdyville hosts the Punderground Festival but, as usual, we advise that you skip this event. Back in the 1920s, the street level around the old courthouse in the downtown area was raised. The stores on two adjoining streets, Investigation Alley and Contempt Avenue, were buried underground. In the 1980s, these underground shops were re-opened by entrepreneurs and the Punderground was born. It was designed to be home to trendy shops, restaurants and taverns but now sports a notorious reputation for high prices and outright fraud. Many of the shops are under Investigation and most of the rest are beneath Contempt. In addition, part of the city’s old waste disposal system has been turned into a water park called Sewerslide. If you choose to attend, you’ll find the most reputable shops to be Peter’s Cellars (a wine shop), Subs Terranean (featuring health-food sandwiches based mainly on locally grown mushrooms), Buried Treasures (antiques), Down Under (Australian goose-feather pillows and comforters), Deep Doodoo (organic fertilizers based mainly on locally grown mushrooms), the Doughnut Hole (pastries), and The Under Warehouse (lingerie).

All Month: In addition to the O’Pun Arms Hotel mentioned above, several other hotels throughout the islands are offering discount rates this month. Below are just a few. Check with local chambers of commerce for special deals.
Count Yomani in Electri City is named after a hero of the Great Rebellion, Count Alla Yomani. Yomani was a gypsy who claimed royal blood lines but who was never accepted by Pun’s aristocracy. When the revolution began, Yomani became a spy for the rebels, providing much needed information about the royal troop strengths and movements. Eventually captured by Lord Elordi, Yomani refused to betray the rebel leaders and was sentenced to death. As the executioner stood poised with the ax above Yomani’s head, the count was given one last chance to betray his accomplices. He refused. Just as the ax began to fall, Yomani blurted out, “Wait! Wait! I’ll talk!” But it was too late. Yoamni’s death made him a hero to the rebels and also gave rise to the expression, “Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.”
The Highwayman is in Mimiatda Station. Back in the 18th century, highwaymen were a constant threat on Pun’s winding roads. One of them, Stan “Dandy” Liver, tried to go straight and built this inn. Tucked away beneath towering Banda trees, the Highwayman has always had a shady reputation.. It is rumored that thieves still use it as a hideout. Thus, now as always, The Highwayman is a place where the robber meets the road.
Lass Resort This inn is located in the town of Tennis on the Isle of Elba. Lass is an old name in Pun hotel history and has usually been associated with failure. The Lass Etude at Fort Etude, Pun, was noted for its lazy management. The Lass Wrights, located at Wright Tarn, took a tarn for the worse. At St. Spreservus, the Lass Supper Club was simply in poor taste. Lass Resort maintains the tradition. Stay here only as a …well, you know.