This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Step-By-Step, the Children’s School of Dance.  Owner and Instructor Skip Toomaloo says, “If you want your children to be able to trip the light fantastic without tripping, ask us about our Baby Steps program.”  Located at 1234 Wontu Tree Ford, Foot Falls, Pun.

November 30-December 1: The D’Jubilee ‘n’ Magic festival is held this weekend in Pun City. A kind of Renaissance Music Fair, the festival showcases the music of Johann Sebastian, who originated a new musical style when he baroque his harpsichord. His most noteworthy composition, the magical “Opus Pocus” is usually a festival high point. If you are looking for a good restaurant while attending the festival, take the thyme to eat at Lost In Spice, run by Australians, Rosemary and Basil Peppercorn. The menu is overflowing with Basil’s original recipes, which led one restaurant reviewer to say of this knowledgeable chef, “This old sage is an excellent cook. I’ve never cinnamon with so much talent. It does nutmeg any difference which dish you order; alum are superb! You won’t bay leaf the quality.” One taste and you’ll know what he mint. Cumin get it. (NOTE:  Rosemary and Basil are now ably assisted by anise and nephew, Ginger and Dill.)

December 4-8: The Christmas season rolls in this week and all eyes turn to DeKingand I, a heavily forested island south of pun. It is from this island that Pun’s yule trees are harvested. All this week, people clog Pun’s seaports to catch sight of the Yule Bringer, the ship that ferries the special cargo to the mainland. Check local listings for details on delivery dates and times.

All month: There are, of course, many seasonal events across the island this month. Many people head for eastern Pun and the Mary Carr Isthmus, which throughout the year offers a little something for everyone. It features a fairly large town, marshlands, a quiet harbor, mountains, and an offshore deep sea fishing area which are, respectively, Fort Collinburg, Three French Fen, Two Turtle Cove, Anna Peart Ridge, Anna Peart Reef, plus a spectacular view of the gulf from Lordsa Leap. All through December, there is a special yuletide festival in Fort Collinburg sponsored by clothing manufacturer Donna Gay Apparel, whose corporate headquarters are in the city. And for those who like local legends, actors re-create the activities associated with “The Ghost of Isthmus Pass,” who is said to haunt the area’s main highway at the bridge over Bah Canal. While in the area, be sure to take in the free tour of one of the island’s largest distilleries, Isthmus Spirits.

December 14: The regular college football season is over but all of Pun is flush with excitement as the championship game is held this day. This year, it’s Weir (No. 1) versus (No. 2) Pennsyl in the Tydee Bowl in Pun City.

December 31: Along with people around the world, Punsters will be ringing in the new year at midnight. The traditional song sung at the moment the clock strikes twelve celebrates the story of Doodle Lang, an old mountain bootlegger who would stand on the top of his house and, at midnight, toss jugs of his ‘mountain dew” moonshine to the revelers who had gathered below. Lang would post a large sign in nearby villages, inviting people to his house for the celebration. The “Dew Drop” has become a tradition celebrated across the island, albeit now with trinkets and candies instead of liquor. The familiar lyrics of the song begin, “There is a man who’s name is Lang and he has a great big sign/ And Mr. Lang is very old, so they call it Old Lang’s Sign.”

Happy holidays, everybody.

This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by Abb Originals Prehistoric Fashions.  See Abb Originals for pelts, furs, bones and teeth, and also stone-washed jeans.  Located at 327 Hunter’s Way, Iceburgh, Pun.  In the same location for the 20,000 years.

November 2-3: There are many fall festivals all across Pun and on this weekend the seaport city of Smorgasburg on the shore of Betonda Bay holds its Flounders Day celebration. The highlight is a fishing tournament held just for the halibut. The city also has many attractions that reflect its rich seafaring history. For over two hundred years, ships have been guided into Betonda Bay by Miller Light, which was built in 1782 and immortalized in the 1897 novel, Miller Light by Tess Grate and Les Philling. Tours of the lighthouse are available and visitors can learn the amount of work involved in lighthouse keeping. Just a short walk from the lighthouse is the Smorgasburg Maritime Museum. Here, visitors can view displays of representative sea vessels from throughout Pun’s history. Prominently exhibited are the ketch Yurbreath, the junk Yard Dog, the rum-running proa Bitchin’, the launch Ainy, the barge Rye Tin, the yacht Sea Roller, the brig Adoon, the dhow Jones, the schooner Orlater, the ferry Godmother and, for this weekend only, the submarine Sand Witch. Shoppers will enjoy Dock Holiday, a row of former warehouses on the bay front that have been converted into specialty shops. You can find antique sleepwear at Yesterday’s Snooze, garden herbs at Mother Nature and Father Thyme , men’s suits from China at Kuppensaucer’s, nautical knickknacks at Shipshapes, and Chippendale’s Furniture, featuring Maylund Dressers, just to name a few. Looking for a good place to eat while in Smorgasburg? Try Hearth and Sole and savor delicious seafood before a warm and inviting fireplace. This is north country dining at its finest. Home is where the hearth is.

November 11-16: This is Dinosaur Week at the Kolomaz Museum in Pun City. On display are fossils retrieved from the frozen wastes of the Dubbelon Tundra and from the ooze and mire of the Walter Wall Tar Pits. Some of the creatures whose bones have been pieced together apparently existed nowhere else on earth. You’ll see fossils of the Red Commisaur, Roget’s Thesaurus, the almost overlooked Nobodisaurus, the two-footed Dubbeldactyl, the very early Krackadon, the foul-smelling Tyrannosaurus Reex, the revolting Iamspartacus, the clone-like Peezinapod, the tiny Bikinitop, the annoying Mythroatisaur, and the nocturnal Dusktodon. Also on display are the fossils of early mammals such as the Wooly Bully, the Tame Minotta Shrew, the Chatterb Ox (also known as the Yakkity Yak), the Shuffelofta Buffalo, and a flying pig-like creature, the Hamm Hawk.

All month: The college football season on Pun winds down but there are still important games this month:  Gulliver travels to Lilliput, Fierman goes to Blaises, Dispun goes to Pharr, and, in four annual battles of military academies, it’s Stand at Attention, Sergeant at Arms, Soljer is at Parade-Wrest and Fyre at Will.

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by On and On-Anon, offering self-help groups for compulsive talkers.  At locations throughout Pun.

October 5-6: Ore Chasm in central Pun hosts the Flourish of Strumpets festival. Ore Chasm was a productive gold mining area in the late 1800’s and there are still many places in Ore Chasm where people still scratch and claw nuggets out of the once ore-rich rock. The festival celebrates the area’s history and features a hoedown on the floor of the ballroom of the homestead of Lady Moneydown, wife of Lord Halfmercy.

October 5-: Pun’s Baseball Championship Series gets underway with the Costa Living Razors, managed by Ron Wayan Flation meeting last year’s champions, the Pun Slingers, managed by Theophilus Punoval.

October 10: October 10 is Independence Day on Pun. In 1791, the death of the Great Pun King, Charlebrown, resulted in a political vacuum because he left no heir. This led to a titanic struggle among Pun’s nobility for control of the ship of state. Eventually, through four years of back-stabbing, arm-twisting and throat-cutting, Lord Elordi of St Spreservus succeeded in dismembering the body politic and emerged as the head of a new political force that he ruled with an iron hand. He was crowned the new monarch in 1795.  Elordi’s rise to power was so steeped in treachery that it is no wonder that his government soon found itself in hot water. His oppressive laws and taxes brought tensions to a boiling point and in 1800, Pun exploded in open rebellion.  Elordi was backed by the aristocracy while the rebel front was made up of lesser nobility and the common people. Elordi viewed the commoners with disgust. “The people are revolting,” he said. “They have no reason to complain. They are a rabble without a cause.” The two sides met in a climactic battle in the streets of Pun City in 1802. The rebels stormed Bustov Palace (the royal residence) and captured the king. In exchange for his life, Elordi was forced to sign the Countov Manifesto, which established a constitutional monarchy and provided for an elected parliament as the legislative branch of government. This was great victory for the common people who, for the first time, were to have a voice in their country’s future. The day is commemorated across the island by fireworks displays and parades. Before the parade in Pun City, catch the Ouida Peeple Pre-Amble (named for a revolutionary martyr) through the streets of the city. This year’s Grand Marshall for the Pun City parade is the Chief of Pun’s Supreme Court, Justus Ferrol.

October 12-13: The artist’s colony of Sound Retreat on Veronica Lake in central Pun is host to an art sale and wine tasting during the Arts and Carafe festival this weekend. Veronica Lake is is another of Pun’s beautiful lakes and offers boating, fishing, camping and water-skiing activities during summer months. The artists’ colony of Sound Retreat is on the lake’s south shore. It’s guest list reads like a Who’s Who of Pun’s artistic heritage. Over the years, the colony has been temporary home to the poets Tennyson Ewon, Almsford D. Poe, Whittier Want, Odette Burns, Sol Longfellow, Dee Frost, R.U. Donne, Marshall Dylan, and Wordsworth Reeding. Artists such as L.O. Dali, Herve Gaugain, E.Z. Monet, Kay Seurat-Seurat, Potters Klee and Geddup Van Gogh have also sojourned here, enjoying the peace, tranquility, and beauty of this lake settlement.

All month: College football continues across the island. In games of interest this month, it’s Wolfe at DeDorr, Kummeer at Wuntz, Just goes to Showya, Eacher meets Enveggies, and Possum plays Dedd.

All month: Special reduced pricing is featured all month long at The Edible Complex in Fort Issimo.  The Edible Complex is not one but several restaurants grouped together under one roof.  Because of Fort Issimo’s history as a mining town, all these eateries, such as Grub Steaks, use a mining motif, but each with a different specialty.  Panned Out features crepes.  Mine Furor specializes in German cuisine.  Shaft’s features soul food.  You’ll find grilled pork at Pig Iron.  There’s spicy cuisine from all over the world at Fire in the Hole.  For most people, however, the restaurant of choice is Seven Potato Ore, which undoubtedly has Pun’s finest potato bar.  All the restaurants are excellent.  Eat at The Edible Complex and you’ll swear you’ve hit the mother lode.

This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by Psychtherapist Sue Pareego, who says, “Let me find out what you have in mind.”  Located at 4 Honor Couchive Ln., Pun City, Pun.

As autumn begins on the islands of Pun and the Free Associations, the weather begins to turn foul. High winds, known as the Fish Gales, blow across the region, producing a wholly mackerel sky. High level storm clouds, comprised of whirled cirrus, bring baseball-sized hail. There is usually a two-week respite from the steadily declining temperatures late in the fall. This period of “Indian Summer” is accompanied by Apache Fog.

September 1-7:  The first full week in September is designated as “Gnu’s Week” on Pun, which is celebrated annually to honor Pun’s national symbols, Goode Gnus. See local sources for celebration details for each community.  It doesn’t matter if you’ve attended past years’ celebrations and think you’ve seen it all.  Each year, there is always something Gnu.

September 7: College football kicks off in the Tydee Bowl in Pun City as Joe College hosts its cross-town rival Wotsamadda U.  In other games of interest, Luna Tech is at Large, Alien visits Erth, Gulliver travels to Lilliput, Lady O’Dehaus is at Holm, Pastor visits Shuttins, it’s Stagg at Bay, Weerawl at Witsend, and Dante goes to Hale.

September 7-8: The Common Coal Festival is held in the Gesund Heights in Central Pun. The festival consists of displays of mountain arts and crafts, many of which are made with the wood of trees indigenous to the area such as the Aw-Aw Cashew. Also on display are coal industry exhibits which attempt to demonstrate that the importance of coal to the economy is nothing to sneeze at.

September 8-14: Santa Lucia, on Pun’s west coast, is host to the Maiden Fair, which runs through the entire week. The highlight of this Renaissance-style fair is the “Joust Between Friends,” which gives fair-goers a pointed reminder of what Pun life was like during the island’s feudal period.

September 15-September 21: The “Pirate Days Festival” is held in the southern Pun City of Seville to commemorate the city’s history as a pirate base in the late 1700’s. The pirate influence on Seville remains evident even today. The homes of pirates Long John Undaweir and Cap’n Gown still stand and are open for tours during the festival. At Booty Rest, a local cemetery where pirates were said to have buried some of their treasures, lie the remains of James Teach, alleged cousin of Edward Teach, who was known as Blackbeard. James Teach was known as Blackboard and also Jungle Jim. The festival is held near the Old Harbor Market, which is preserved as it was in its heyday when plunder from pirate raids – foods, wines, cloth, and jewels – was sold openly at exorbitant prices. Pirate corn, for example, was a buck an ear. Looking for a place to stay while in Seville for the festival? Try the Poopdeck Hotel. Many of the inns and hotels in Seville have adopted a nautical motif, reflective of the city’s history as a pirate base. The Poopdeck does it up big. The tip-hungry bellhops are all dressed in sailor suits (wolves in ship’s clothing), the restrooms off the lobby are labelled “Buoys” and “Gulls,” and each guest’s room features a live parrot on a stand, which probably explains the hotel’s name. Even local floozies parade through the lobby dressed as pirates (Yo-Ho-‘Ho’s), which in turn, explains why the hotel was originally known as the Admiral Bimbo Inn. Just across the street from the Poopdeck is The Pirate’s Blade, a restaurant where tasty food and good service provide an edge over the local competition. The house specialties are the swordfish and veal cutlass.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by paranormal investigator, Phoebe Jeebees.  Phoebe says, “Ghost removal is our specialty.  Just call us when the spirit moves you.”  Located at 8407 Paul Tergeist Place, Boogen Villa, Pun.

August 1-31: For the entire month of August, the Dog Days celebration takes place in Baskerville in northwestern Pun. Baskerville is widely known as the dog-breeding capital of the island. Many breeds of dogs, found only on Pun, originated here, including the the Watsop Dachshund, Allyn Shepherd, the Beemiup Scottie, the Jonathon Livingstone Beagle, the Knitten Afghan, the Angela Basset, both the Kathy and Merv Griffon,  the Penny Pinscher, the Skye Lab, the Bull Shih Tzu, the Finger Pointer,  the Habla Spaniel, the Melon Collie, the Skool-Kaffa Terrier, the Joe Cocker Spaniel, the Harmonna Cur, and the Jimmy Crack Cairn. Many activities are planned and include free trips across the Bay of DeHounds on the Hounds Tooth Ferry. The festivities conclude on the 31st with the National Dog Show finals and the naming of the Best Dog in Show. Last year, the winner was Teekayo, a Punch-Drunk Boxer.  Another highlight of the show is the customary singing of the puppy judges’ song, “I’m Going to Sit Right Down and Rate Myself a Litter.”

August 3-4: Nachos Island, off Pun’s southern coast, hosts the Chili con Carnival, with its chili cooking competition. Nine years ago, a new category – Hot and Sole – was added to introduce fish chili to the competition and was a big success. Five years ago, ingredients such as soy, quinoa, and kale were introduced in a category called “Go To Health.” Four years ago, a new category featuring liver and tripe was tested under the category name, “Blood and Guts,” but it was not continued because it turned out to be offal.  Instead, three years ago a spicy chicken chili category was introduced called “Pullet Surprise.”  Two years ago, rattlesnake meat was the surprise ingredient in a new category, “Bite Back Chili.”  Last year, lamb was featured in a brand new category, “Ewe Bean Served.”  This year, the new ingredient, crab meat, is being introduced  in a new category, “Claw in Order.”  Commemorative T-shirts of the cook-off are available and feature the carnival slogan, “Bean There – Downed That.”

August 10-11: Courtens Park in Pun City is the site of the annualNational Kiss-Off, where couples kiss and try to be the last one off the buss. Once again, the competition’s festivities include romantic poetry recitations by Pun’s Poet Laureate Wordsworth Reeding, romantic ballads sung by The Tulips, and love songs sung by Spanish songstress Bessie Mae Mucho.

All month: All this month, Bea’s Wax Museum is cutting admission prices in celebration of its 57th anniversary. Madame Toussaud can’t hold a candle to Bea Keeper, who has a wicked way with wax. Her creations represent all walks of life from the well-heeled to the pedestrian. Visitors can meet hundreds of notables from Pun history such as railroad tycoon Chevalle D. Cole, Lord I.C. Liverspots (The Earl of Olay), songstress Carrie Oakie, race car driver Mario Speedwagon, mystery writer Penny Dreadful, western writer, Hal Bentford Leather, champion wrestler Matt Burns, Italian-born general Vinnie Vidivici, and revolutionary martyrs Ouida Peeple and Doris O’Pun. In the Chamber of Horrors are represented the infamous such as highwaymen Avery Juan Reech and Stan “Dandy” Liver, arsonist Bern M. Down, cereal killer Curt Eldmilk, and the criminal duo of Phil O’Nee and Misty Meaner.

All month:  Darwin’s Garage in Pun City is celebrating the 27th anniversary of it’s rebuilding in 1997.  All Punsters know the story of this famous landmark where noted anthropologist Eve O’Lucien teamed up with military industrialist Darwin Savoir on an experiment involving rhesus monkeys.  Theorizing that monkeys could be trained to do mechanical tasks, the two placed one in Darwin’s Garage and put it to work on military vehicles.  It immediately invented the monkey wrench.  Soon after, garage owners throughout pun were clamoring to Darwin for grease monkeys of their own.  “Simian ape, quick!” they’d plead.  The experiment proved to be an unqualified success until one of Darwin’s team tried to teach the monkeys to weld. One monkey got too near a gas pump and the resulting explosion destroyed the garage and littered the area with rhesus pieces.  There are discounts all month for vehicle service and repairs, and also for the garage’s Monkeyshines Carwash.

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by Step-By-Step Children’s School of Dance.  Instructor Skip Toomaloo says, “Ask about our Baby Steps program.”  Located at 1234 Wontu Tree Ford, Foot Falls, Pun.

July 1-6: A surfing competition and subsequent crowning of the “Chairman of the Board” are part of the DeGraydis Capers week at (where else?) DeGraydis Cape on Pun’s southern coast. Please note that although the surfing competition is still scheduled, the event is subject to postponement if there are reports of sharks in the area. Periodic sightings of Lone, Card, Jumpty and Poole Sharks have had festival organizers worried. A few years ago, a surfer lost a toe to a shark and had to drop out of the Hang Ten competition.  Surfers are keen to compete but no one wants their attempt to be crowned champion to cost them an arm and a leg.

July 6: Northern Pun’s city of Smorgasburg hosts its annual Rat Race (also known as the C. Howdy Run), a 10-K event held each July along the shoreline of Betonda Bay. Last year’s repeat winners were Ronya Legzoff and Myles Tugo.  If you like to get your exercise on the dance floor, you might try Smorgasburg’s Swedish Meet Ball, held in conjunction with the Rat Race. This marathon dance is held in the ballroom of the Swede Dreams Hotel. While in Smorgasburg, we recommend dining at The Shipyard. This converted dockside warehouse, formerly known as the Barge Inn, is owned by Abel Seaman, a former whaler captain and current president of the Pun Sperm Bank. The Shipyard’s menu includes subs, steamers of clams, and a ketch of the day, all of which can be washed down with a schooner of ale. Seaman says, “Yawl come out for launch and eat a yacht.”

July 12-14: The local mental health clinics of Grape Harbor benefit from the proceeds of a wine-tasting celebration during the Days of Wine and Neuroses festival kicking off on the 12th and running through the weekend. Grape Harbor and the Rio McCoy valley to the northeast comprise Pun’s wine country. Vineyards are everywhere and produce wines for every taste. A partial listing of those available at the wine tasting include Bridgette Bordeaux – a light French-style wine that ages beautifully; Hello Madeira – a good introductory wine, light, pleasant, complimentary, promising better things; Wotz-Rongwitt Medoc – A curious wine, hard to define, tasting expensive but leaving a question on the palate; Garland-Avery Port – a low-class wine for the non-discriminating wine drinker; Madam Moselle – an exciting but underage wine that makes up in vitality what it lacks in depth and maturity; Mell Blanc, which expresses multiple characters, each different from the others, and Ringsov Sauterne – one of Pun’s most potent wines – one or two glasses will knock you flat on Uranus.

July 15-21:  The Home Owners, Renovators and Retailers Interior Design (H.O.R.R.I.D) Show has its fifth annual display this week in Pun City.  Companies displaying their home decorating and renovation products include Mickey Mantels, Tode Stools, Budd Lights, Matta Doors, Seek Lamps, Lila Carr Rug, Mike Rosoff Windows, La Brea Carpets, Horr’s Tables, Sauer Drapes, Repp Tiles, Howard Hues Paints, Geiger Counters, Bretha Fress Chairs, Harry Pottery, and Pharaoh Faucets.

July 22-27: The Pun National SETI Conference opens in St. Spreservus in southern Pun and is open to the public. SETI stands for Search for Evidential Traces of Ignoramia. The conference offers lectures and exhibits about this curious island. Don’t bother looking for Ignoramia on any recent maps of Pun and the Free Association Islands; it isn’t there. Ignoramia is is a legendary lost island, said to have sunk into Luna Sea under the weight of its own ineptitude.
Little is known about the land. Its form of government appears to have been an idiocracy – government by the stupid. Its Parliament, known as Fools’ Circle, was made up of 1000 Ignoramuses who met on the Asinine Heights mountain top of Numm’s Skull (also known as Bone Head and Addle Pate). So incompetent were its leaders that Ignoramia was also known as the Land of 1000 Dunces. Even the island’s forests were dense. The Black Forest, for example, was so dense that not even light escaped. Ignoramia had few cities. Those that did exist (Simpleton, Slow Downs, Ninny, Dolt, Oaf, Loon, Clod, Dullard) were surrounded by thick walls, set at obtuse angles to one another.
There is evidence that some Ignoramuses made their way to Pun, apparently brought in by dope smugglers. No other flora and fauna are known to have survived. Animals thought to have lived on the island include the Sillee Ass, Ding Bat, and the Lumm Ox. In addition, scientists have found on small isolated atolls in the region Dodo droppings and Ninkum poop, which would indicate the these species might have been there also.
Periodically, adventurers will get it into their heads to go search for Ignoramia, but the dark, muddled waters of the sea make this an extremely dangerous undertaking. The bottom line is that only someone whose heritage can be traced back to Ignoramia would attempt such a foolhardy enterprise.  So, if you’re actively searching for Ignoramuses, you probably are one.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Java – The Hut.  Caffiends all across Pun love this trendy coffee bar franchise which features such concoctions as Latte-Dah, G.I. Joe, and Mocha Cola, to name but a few.  At locations throughout Pun.

June 4-5: The Oh! Migration! festival, held in Babaloo on the island of Santa Lucia (the Isle of Lucy), celebrates Pun’s inland expansion from the coastal city-states. Thousands gather to participate in activities centered in and around Pepptobiz Mall to honor the spirit that settled the interior.

June 4: Batteries Park, on the south side of Point Spread in south-central Pun, is the site of a special celebration honoring the city’s history as an important military post. The artillery battery cannons, known as the Guns of Neveron, which for years protected Honorondo Bay and Pun’s capital from marauding pirates such as Cap’n Gown and Long John Undaweir, are still fired once a year to recreate their historic role in Pun’s history. The city creates a festival around the event, held each year on Neveron Sunday.

June 6-11: Mon Key holds its annual Mon Key Shines festival through this week, highlighted by barrel races, business exhibits, a greased pole climbing competition, a wrench toss, and the Gorilla My Dreams beauty pageant.

June 21: In eastern Pun, the longest day of the year is celebrated in a huge arts and crafts festival at the site of Pun’s largest waterfall (720 feet). Check out The Bigger Day Arts at DeHarderday Falls.

June 30: Judge Crater was formed in eastern Pun about 10,000 years ago when a meteorite crashed into the earth. The crater is named for Hubie D. Judge, the man who discovered and mapped it in 1741, and is primarily known for its vast fields of mint that grow in the crater. The rich land of the area gives the mint a strong bouquet and flavor that is highly prized by Pun citizens. A celebration is held every year and people come from all over the island to partake in the festivities on June 30, Judge Mint Day.

All month: In what has now become an annual event, the Pun National Museum of Dance History in Foot Falls has special exhibits all month with reduced admission prices. Visitors can view films and displays and also follow footprint patterns on the floor to do the King Conga, One Trick Pony, the Land, Rock, and Mud Slide, Sour Mash, Weirdos’ Disco, Kaffi Break Dance, Plummers Clog, the Pyar Square Dance (actually a Round Dance) Izzit Reel, Cold Turkey Trot, the Oliver, Plot, and Arm Twists, Lapp Dance, Front Porch Swing, Pink Flamenco, Fazz Shuffle, Watcher Step, Lemon Merengue, Thingma Jig, Mild, Medium or Spicy Salsa, the Carr Rhumba (also known as the Carr Hop and the Front End Shimmy) or the North, South, Tenfoot, Bean, Totem, or Gallop Pole Dances. There are even displays covering the outlawed Strip Polka and the Buttin’s Key Cannibals’ dance, the Hominy Minuet.

Featured Restaurant of the Month: Owner Runford DeRoses used to tend the old race horses that had been put out to pasture from the tracks of in Doodah, Pun.  After he retired, he opened Pasture Prime, a little eatery just up the coast in Bjornburg.  Despite the tacky decor, this is a fine restaurant with an impressive a la carte selection.  Try the house specialty Pasture Prime, or the Belmont Steaks, or Filly Mignon, and tell us if there isn’t something different about the flavor and texture of DeRoses’s cooking.  Fresh baked Thoro Bread is served with each meal.  Ample parking and quick service means you won’t have to wait furlong.  Overlooking Betonda Bay.

This installment  of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Sunsets Trips, which features Senior Citizens Excursion Packages.  Travel agents Ben Dare and Dawn Datt are available to handle all your travel needs.  Located at 1448 Doan Dilleed Alley, Fairthy Wells, Pun.

May 1: At Forest Landing, a town on the Stream of Consciousness, the Pun Communist Party holds its yearly May Day celebration. The party’s society for men (The Marx Brothers) and its female counterpart (the Lenin Sisters), hold rallies, give speeches and, in general, attempt to recapture the glory of the Tsar Wars. Another Communist rally will take place in San Inyorchoos in southwest Pun at a restaurant called A Familiar Fez. The restaurant specializes in Arabian cuisine and is located across from the Camel Lot. The restaurant’s name refers to the fezzes worn by a fanatical Communist organization known as the Rogue Island Reds, who regularly met at this site. In 1915, this fez and cape wearing group attempted to stage the infamous Cock-a-Doodle Coup. The Reds objective was to overthrow the government by pullets, not ballots. To a man, each member had vowed, if not successful in the attempt, to die with his fez and capon. The Reds’ first seditious endeavor was an assault on the arsenal at Duck Downs. But the attack never got off the ground. A dispirited faction of the Reds, known as the Cock-A-Doodle Dandies, failed to show up at the rendezvous point and the attack had to be cancelled. The leader of the Reds, Layne Hens, denounced the Dandies as cowards. In an attempt to re-establish their honor, the Dandies, led by Rooster Cockborn, hatched a plot to raid the arsenal on their own. Ill equipped and out-manned, the raiders were soon discovered, quickly succumbed to government shelling, and eventually cracked. The coup a failure, the conspirators were all banished to Eggs Isle in the Ova Bight (now Center Isle of Honorondo Bay) where they lived out their lives and died martyrs to their cause. Despite the fact that the restaurant is named A Familiar Fez, you don’t see many fezzes around Pun these days. Apparently it is a fez only a martyr can love.

May 4-5: Check out the William Frolic in the town of Babaloo on Santa Lucia (the Isle of Lucy). Once again, except for the traditional grape-stomping, candy-eating competitions, and Conga demonstrations, and the annual performance by the zany rock band Dizzy Lou, activities for this year’s Frolic were not available at press time. Expect the unexpected and you won’t be disappointed. Usually, everybody has a ball.

May 9-12: We don’t know why we even publicize the Lazy Fair, held these four days at Fort Ewinks. No activities are planned, no arts and crafts demonstrated or displayed. Tourists are advised to leave this one alone.

May 21: Once again, it’s Dennis Day in Pun City in honor of Seeyor Dennis, one of Pun’s most creative citizens. Dennis was a noted architect, engraver, and designer. He constructed many of the country’s bridges, engraved the currency plates, and designed the royal crowns. His house, in Tooth Acres at the corner of Ake and Payne, is open wide from 9-5 daily for tours.

All month: Admission fees are greatly reduced this month at Pun City’s Aboynem Zoo. The zoo is one of the most delightful attractions in Pun City and a must-see for tourists. Because Pun is an isolated island, the animal life is unique. Simulated natural environments showcase the wildlife to its best advantage. The “Tenk Yew Berry Marsh” simulates the environments of the Huckleberry Fen and Howe’s Bayou regions of the island. You’ll see Mad Adders and Dew Azure Toads and shore birds including George and Bugsy Sea Gulls, Frasier and Niles Cranes and Wright, Yu, and Leff Terns. The “Ape Pre-Cut Preserve” chronicles the devastating effects that rain forest clearing is having on the homes of mountain gorillas and and other species, such as the Barbara Mandrill, the Gray Disc Ape, and the Urban Gorilla. The special class of animals in the “Black Boar Jungle” offers a mix of savage and violent predators, such as the Dotted Lion and the Rod’s Tiger (which only hunts in the heat of the night). The “Borntabee Wilds” replicates Pun’s grasslands areas. You’ll see Saracen Roebuck, Hecklin Jackals, and Dix Eland, to name but a few. The “Forty Birds Aviary” is dedicated to preserving and replenishing the forty kinds of birds currently on Pun’s endangered species list. Here you’ll see the Harda Swallow, Peter Finch, Oh Jay, Christopher Robin, Sanfran Siskin, Baldy Moore Oriole, and Saint Louis Cardinal. The “Dubbelon Tundra” exhibit presents many of the inhabitants of the same-named area of northern Pun, including the Wooly Bully, Cold Turkey, Chilly Dog, and North Pole Cat.  The Zoo’s Aquarium, “Dire Straits,” is named for the waterway off Pun’s west coast.  This heavily polluted area of Pun’s seashore contains fish that are incorporating the pollution detritus into their biology, resulting in cybernetic fish such as those exhibited here.  You’ll see the Scrappie, Scum Sucker, Garbage Man-O-War, Grunt of the Litter, and the Plastic Sturgeon.  The creepy “Crawley Insectatorium”,features insects and bugs from all over Pun, including the Pop Fly, Brie Fleas, Gemini Crickets, Correz Pond Ants, and the No-See-Um (The Imagine Gnat).  The “For River and Ever” exhibit tells the story of conservation efforts on Pun’s inland waterways, including Jimmida Creek, Crimea River, Dadooron Run and Stream of Conciousness, to name but a few.  Here you’ll see river denizens like the Hareep Otter, the Leevitta Beaver,  the Odie Hyu Manatee, the Elijah Woodchuck, and the Elon Muskrat. The “Taloned Scouts” birds of prey exhibit, features avian predators such as the Orr Kestrel, the Goflya Kite, the Anna Condor, the Add Hawk, Ford Falcon, the Spredd Eagle, and the Beached Owl.  The “Peak Experience” exhibit is a four-story tall construction which seeks to replicate the mountaintop settings of the Amana Range, Kay Serah Sierra, Gesund Heights, Fittov Peak, and other high altitude regions of pun.  Featured here are the Yakkity Yak (also known as the Chatturb Ox), Mykeljay Fox, Nero Wolf, Hill Billy Goat, and the Cross, Horse, Split, Short, and Hydnor Hares.   And new this year is “Micro Fauna”, where guests can peer through microscopic lenses to view the smallest of Pun’s life forms.  Here you’ll see Streptudeerhea, Spiroagnew, Cheefostaph, and Congressionalcoccus.  There is also a petting zoo for the kids at “Nocturnal Farm” where children can come face to face with Night Mares, Rapid Hartebeests, and Gotch Ewes.  There’s a lot to see and do at Aboynem Zoo, so plan on spending several days.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Nytakes Pawn.  Pawnshop owner, Chick Mait, says, “Nytakes Pawn is the place where you’ll never get rooked.”  Located at 2D Bishop’s Row (near Castle-Queen Side Hotel), Pun City, Pun.

After a rather brutal winter, Spring again has returned to Pun, characterized by temperate weather across most of the island and seasonal precipitation in the form of the Claude Rains. Early in the month, however, a low pressure area will be stalled over the southeast and consequently many inhabitants of this area will be feeling under the weather.

April weekends: Young and old alike look forward to the annual re-opening of Shadowlands Theme Park just south of Fort Knight in central Pun. At Shadowland, you can hearken back to the days of Pun’s Dark Ages (the Age of Knights). Visitors to the this medieval village can find adventure on thrill rides such as the “Dragontrain” roller coaster, frolic on a typical village common in the “Plague Ground,” pick a crossbow and a quarrel at the “Archery Bunker,” watch simulated torture and beheadings at “Rack and Roll at the Palace,” get a bite to eat at “Serf’s Sup,”  “Fryer Tuck’s,” or “Mutton Jeff’s,” find medieval attire to fit every taste and budget at “Hides and Chic”, “Tailor Maids”, “The Mail (and Fe-Mail) Room”, and “Knights in White Satin,” compare the way of life of the affluent and downtrodden at “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famished,” learn from an expert stone-cutter how to carve grotesque stone faces at Gargoyle! with Sol Twadder, enjoy a complementary cup of tea and listen to travelers’ tales at “Cup and Chaucer,” located on Canterbury Trail, master the art of tossing and catching with Gofer the Juggler, explore spells, potions and amulets that work like a charm in the many shops along Every Witch Way, and enjoy the daily parade of costumed cast members, the “Motley Crusade.” Music is provided by a wandering band of musicians, The Minstrel Cycle, all of whom play period instruments.  And, new this year, the 2nd and 4th weekends of the month will be Pirate Days.  The village will be invaded by the crews of legendary Pun pirates Cap’n Gown and Long John Undaweyer.

April 4:April 4 is Doris Day in Pun, a national holiday honoring Doris O’Pun, a revolutionary leader during the rebellion of 1800 which opened the door to constitutional government in Pun. Check with local city tourist bureaus for information on local celebration events. The O’Pun Arms Hotel (named for Doris O’Pun) in Pun City is offering discount rates on its rooms for the week’s festivities in the capital. Built in 1875, the O’Pun Arms is one of Pun’s oldest and grandest hotels, hospitable and inviting.

April 7-13: This week on the Bikini Islands finds the Bum’s Rush Festival in full swing. The highlights are the Keister Parade held on the 9th and an Irish-themed semi-nude beauty contest, the Erin-Go-Bragh-less Pageant, on the 13th.

April 14-20: This week the town of Coopdyville hosts the Punderground Festival but, as usual, we advise that you skip this event. Back in the 1920’s, the street level around the old courthouse in the downtown area was raised. The stores on two adjoining streets, Investigation Alley and Contempt Avenue, were buried underground. In the 1980’s, these underground shops were re-opened by entrepreneurs and the Punderground was born. It was designed to be home to trendy shops, restaurants and taverns but now sports a notorious reputation for high prices and outright fraud. Many of the shops are under Investigation and most of the rest are beneath Contempt. In addition, part of the city’s old waste disposal system has been turned into a water park called Sewerslide. If you choose to attend, you’ll find the most reputable shops to be Peter’s Cellars (a wine shop), Subs Terranean (featuring health-food sandwiches based mainly on locally grown mushrooms), Buried Treasures (antiques), Down Under (Australian goose-feather pillows and comforters), Deep Doodoo (organic fertilizers based mainly on locally grown mushrooms), the Doughnut Hole (pastries), Rock Bottom (geodes, gems and Depression-Era glass), Pit Stop (deodorants), and The Under Warehouse (lingerie).

All Month: To celebrate it’s 55rd anniversary, The Game Room restaurant in Electri City is offering discounts on its meals. Sublime tastes will compete for your attention over checkered tablecloths as you sample the wonderful cuisine of The Game Room. Try the Chicken Croquet, Rubix Cube Steak, a salmon dish such as Parr-Cheesy, or an exotic Pool Shark filet as an entree. The summer squash and Monterrey Jacks are also delicious and don’t miss the Dice Rolls, Guitar Heroes, or the  marble cakes and chess pie for dessert. After dinner, relax with a bit of gin or Hop’s Scotch and you’ve got the makings of a winning evening.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by A Cut Above Tree Surgeons.  Owner and Crew Chief, Cotter Down, says, “Our bite is worse than your bark.”  Located at 223 Wendy Baugh Braxe Rd., Fort Etrees, Pun.

All Month: March is Fine Arts Month at the Karramel Center in Pun City. This year’s performances include a concert by the Cannibals, a stomach-acid rock band (1st), a ragtime piano concert by Ivory Tickler (2nd), show tunes from Sam and Janet Evening (3rd), electronic music stylings by Techno Prisoners (4th), a production of the new Batman-inspired musical, Riddler on the Roof (5th), hard rock from The Roxanne Boulders Band  (6th), the Pranzeran Dancers (7th), a demonstration of primitive tribal music by Logorhythms (8th), Cuban Conga Rhythms by Baba Lou (9th), an evening of quiet hilarity with mimes Kent Tawknow and Ameena Boxx (10th), jazz stylings by the Caspar Jammers Jazz Band (11th), stand-up comedy by comics Hardy Harhar and Shirley Yujest (12th), a poetry recital by Pun Poet Laureate Wordsworth Reeding (14th), Hip-Hop concert by Bum Rap (15th), a Caribbean music celebration by Greg Gay and Cal Ipso (18th),  Southern crooner Bubba Baboo (19th), a concert by Spanish song-stylist Bessie Mae Mucho (21st),  a  concert by heavy medal band Iron Cross (22nd),  the “Black and Blues” national tour by the Bruise Brothers (24th), a concert by a Country/Western trio (Shelby Cumming, Rhonda Mountain, Gwen Sheekums) (25th), an evening of connections between attendees and deceased loved ones via celebrated medium Dave Pastawn (26th), the Pun National Symphony, featuring conductor Phil Harmonic (27th), a concert by singer Bertha DeBlooz (28th), an evening of prestidigitation with magician Allie Kazam (29th), and a performance by the South Pacific dance troupe Ballet Hai (30th).  The city of MacTruck’s Citizens’ Band always concludes the month-long festivities by playing Handel (31st). Handel usually loses.

Elsewhere this month:

March 4-March 10:The Pun Industrial Trade Show (PITS) is held this week in Artich Oaks. Situated at the north end of Safen Sound at the junction of Jimmida Creek, the Alimentary Canal, and three railroads, Artich Oaks became an important trading and manufacturing center. The bustling city boasts corporate headquarters and manufacturing plants for such diverse industries as plumbing (Pharoah Faucets, Bryer Pipes), ceramics (Repp Tile and Thick Casa Brick), food processing (Sean Cannery, Herb Farmer Organic Foods, and Macon-Enz Meat), interior design (Micky Mantels, Carpet Diem, Guyger Counters, and Lou’s Stools), furriers (Fursthings Furs), paints (Howard Hues, Pigments of Imagination), tobacco (C. Garbutt Company and C.U. Inhale), distilling (Boot Liquors and Spirits of St.Louis). security systems (Sure-Lock Homes), utility sheds (Gimmee Shelter), publishing (Juan Ferdy Books and Imm Printing), computer software (Over Byte, Buffalo Chips, and Silicon-Carney), textiles (Storyteller Yarns, Knights and Wight Satin, DeLando Cotton, Vladmir Linen, National Velvet, and Al Packa Wool), optical equipment and lenses (Folsom Prisms, Trudy Luken Glass,  and Saury Spectacles), electrical components (Ringaling Bros. Circuits, Heavenleek Wires, Hickory Switches, Ellendy Generators), and graphic arts (The Artist (formerly known as Prints)). You can see displays of new innovations and product samples from these and other Pun companies and pick up brochures as well. If you’re looking for a different place to spend a day, it’s the PITS.

March 21: Crowds gather each year on this day to watch the Changing of the Garb ceremony at the Royal Palace in Pun City, when the Royal Militia changes from its winter uniforms into its summer dress right in front of everybody.

March 27: Odie Doodah Day is celebrated on the shores of Betonda Bay in north Pun. Discovered in the late 1500’s by English explorers Bob Talnag and Odie Doodah, Betonda Bay’s natural harbor served as a refuge from the turbulent waters of Kissov Depth. The bay’s first colony, Camptown, later became the town of Doodah. The village celebrates its founding each year on this date. Principal events are a horse race and wine-tasting festival. The Chamber of Commerce promises sufficient “wine to run all night and wine to run all day.”

All Month: The Sevend Wharves, located on Honorondo Bay in Pun City is celebrating its 31st anniversary this month with special sales at all its shops. Wharves manager Prince Charmine says of this bay-front reclamation project’s anniversary, “This one time sleepy dock area is now alive with shops and boutiques, so dopey bashful about visiting. And leave your grumpy disposition behind because being happy at the Sevend Wharves isn’t a difficult task. Sneezy one.”