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This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Feever Temps Temporary Services.  Director Colin M. Dee says, “Our staff’s enthusiasm is infectious.”  Located at 103.2 Farron Height, New Monia, Pun.

All Month: March is Fine Arts Month at the Karramel Center in Pun City. This year’s performances include a concert stop on the “Black and Blues” national tour by the Bruise Brothers (1st), the Pranzeran Dancers (3rd), a Hip-Hop concert by Bum Rap (4th), a Caribbean music celebration by Greg Gay and Cal Ipso (5th), a performance by the South Pacific dance troupe Ballet Hai (6th),  jazz stylings by the Caspar Jammers Jazz Band (7th), a concert by the Cannibals, a stomach-acid rock band (8th), show tunes from Sam and Janet Evening (11th), Southern crooner Bubba Baboo (12th), a ragtime piano concert by Ivory Tickler (13th), aria selections by vocalists from the The Grandol Opera (14th), a  concert by heavy medal band Iron Cross (15th), the Pun National Symphony, featuring guest conductor Phil Harmonic (19th), hard rock from the Roxanne Boulders Band (20th), stand-up comedy by comics Hardy Harhar and Shirley Yujest (21st), an evening of prestidigitation with magician Allie Kazam (22nd), a poetry recital by Pun Poet Laureate Wordsworth Reeding (25th), a concert by singer Bertha DeBlooz (28th), and a concert by Spanish song-stylist Bessie Mae Mucho (29th),  The city of MacTruck’s Citizens’ Band always concludes the month-long festivities by playing Handel (31st). Handel usually loses.

Elsewhere this month:

March 2-6:The Pun Industrial Trade Show (PITS) is held this week in Artich Oaks. Situated at the north end of Safen Sound at the junction of Jimmida Creek, the Alimentary Canal, and three railroads, Artich Oaks became an important trading and manufacturing center. The bustling city boasts corporate headquarters and manufacturing plants for such diverse industries as plumbing (Pharoah Faucets), ceramics (Repp Tile and Thick Casa Brick), interior design (Micky Mantels, Carpet Diem, Guyger Counters, and Lou’s Stools), furriers (Fursthings Furs), paints (Howard Hues), tobacco (C. Garbutt Company and C.U. Inhale), distilling (Boot Liquors and Spirits of St.Louis). utility sheds (Gimmee Shelter), publishing (Juan Ferdy Books and Imm Printing), computer software (Over Byte and Silicon-Carney), textiles (Storyteller Yarns, Knights and Wight Satin, DeLando Cotton, Vladmir Linen, National Velvet, and Al Packa Wool), optical equipment and lenses (Folsom Prisms and Saury Spectacles), and graphic arts (The Artist (formerly known as Prints)). You can see displays and product samples from these and other Pun companies and pick up brochures as well. If you’re looking for a different place to spend a day, it’s the PITS.

March 21: Crowds gather each year on this day to watch the Changing of the Garb ceremony at the Royal Palace in Pun City, when the Royal Militia changes from its winter uniforms into its summer dress right in front of everybody.

March 27: Odie Doodah Day is celebrated on the shores of Betonda Bay in north Pun. Discovered in the late 1500’s by English explorers Bob Talnag and Odie Doodah, Betonda Bay’s natural harbor served as a refuge from the turbulent waters of Kissov Depth. The bay’s first colony, Camptown, later became the town of Doodah. The village celebrates its founding each year on this date. Principal events are a horse race and wine-tasting festival. The Chamber of Commerce promises sufficient “wine to run all night and wine to run all day.”

All Month: The Sevend Wharves, located on Honorondo Bay in Pun City is celebrating its 27th anniversary this month with special sales at all its shops. Wharves manager Prince Charmine says of this bay-front reclamation project’s anniversary, “This one time sleepy dock area is now alive with shops and boutiques, so dopey bashful about visiting. And leave your grumpy disposition behind because being happy at the Sevend Wharves isn’t a difficult task. Sneezy one.”

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Ernest, Frank & Blount Assertiveness Training Seminars.  Co-founder Albie Blount says, “Here’s our guarantee:  complete our course and you’ll get what’s coming to you.  Come in and sign up. NOW!””  Headquartered at 10-2 Haviture Way, Hutz Spa, Pun.

February 2: It’s Garrand Aug Day in Pun, named for a French-born Punster who lives in Boogen Villa. Each February 2, Mssr. Aug walks down onto the foggy shore of Safen Sound and looks back toward his home. Legend states that if he can see his chateau, Pun’s winter will continue another six weeks. Large crowds and media representatives gather every year to learn of his prediction and the children have even made up a rhyme about it. “Mssr. Aug, into the fog/He walks on down and enters/Turns and, oh! sees his chateau/Six more weeks of winter.”

February 2-3: The cannibal tribes of Buttin’s Key host the Beauty and the Feast pageant this weekend, when the pageant’s beauties are ceremoniously wined and dined on. If you get there late, don’t be surprised if everybody’s eaten.

February 3-9: The Railroad Days Festival is celebrated at Pun-Sylvania Station in Pun City. The story of Pun-Sylvania station is largely the story of one man, one of Pun’s greatest successes, railroad tycoon Chevalle D. Coal. The son of a shipping magnate, Cole found himself attracted to the steel rails even as a young boy when he accompanied his father on extensive business trips across Pun. While his father conducted business, Cole would station himself at the local rail depot, learning all he could from the employees about life on the railroads. At age 18, Cole got a job as an assistant clerk for the Maccabee Line in eastern Pun. Here he found that his early observations served him well. He rose quickly through the administrative ranks. By age 21, he was a Junior Vice-President with the company and had saved enough for a small down payment on a rail line of his own, the Wiss Spur. Even at this point in his young career, Cole’s ambitions and goals were clear. He saw Pun as a land of unlimited potential. “Pun is a wonderland,” he once stated. “And in a wonderland, even a cabbage can be King. That’s Cole’s Law.”
Cole set out to be the King of Pun’s rail lines. He believed he would be an old man before he achieved his goal. But starting with just one short line, he bought up other small, failing railroads and turned them into money-makers. Soon the other rail tycoons were reading the writing on the wall. Within ten short years, Cole had built magnificent Pun-Sylvania Station as his corporate headquarters in Pun City. He had gained control of every rail line in Pun – a veritable monopoly.
Even though he was a millionaire, Old King Cole (as he was affectionately known to Punsters) was a decent, benevolent man. He was especially loved by his employees. Cole engineers, conductors, firemen and brakemen considered it an honor to work for him. Even Cole porters sang his praises.
Today, Pun-Sylvania Station stands as a glass and steel testament to Cole’s vision and determination. The Railroad Days Festival is held in collaboration with the railroad museum located just off the main hall. Nineteenth century railroad cars and vintage locomotives and Cole memorabilia will be on display and there are games and rides for the kids, with free ice cream from the Toot-Sweet Creamery.

February 16-19: The annual Widow’s Peak Ski Festival takes place this weekend at (where else?) Widow’s Peak in central Pun. Also known as Haff Bald, this mountain offers some of the best skiing on the island. Downhill runs range from the comfortable and conservative (Horsencair Ridge, Snow Big Deal, and Jahn Glen) to the downright dangerous (Fool’s Rush, Balder Dash, and Ski Daddle).

All Month:  The Opera House restaurant in Figaro, Pun, is offering specials all through February.  It’s located just north of Figaro, overlooking the Harbor of Seville, Owned and operated by Carmen Geddit, The Opera House features a sophisticated selection of fine foods, but is best known for its rich desserts, most notably Madame’s Butter Fries and Cosi Fan Tutti-Frutti.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Armand Alleg Prosthetics, the company of choice when cost is no object.  Armand Alleg says, “We’ll go out on a limb to give you a hand in putting your best foot forward.”  Located at 1642 Kent Kump Ln., Foot Falls, Pun.

January 3-5:Get away from the cold winter of north Pun by taking in the Fedder Rallies, Baja-style road races held this Friday through Sunday just outside the south Pun town of San Inyorchoos, also known as Sunburnadino. The rallies are held on the salt beds of what used to be a large body of water, Lake O’Lamb, that once existed north of the city. At one time, its shore was home to the Dalai Parton, titular head and chief prophet of a mystical religious cult who arrived from Back Bend as part of a prophet-sharing plan.. The Dalai Parton’s followers proclaimed him a messiah and believed he could perform miracles and walk on water. He never got the chance to prove the latter, however, because Lake O’Lamb dried up, leaving the prophet without a lake to stand on. If desert excursions are your cup of tea, take the opportunity while you’re attending the rallies, to rent a camel from The Camelot (home of the Knights of the Round Stable) and explore on your own.

January 11-12: The town of New Monia celebrates its founding this weekend with exhibits and a parade. Located on Pun’s eastern coast, the town’s name was originally spelled Numonia in honor of its founder, 15th century Portuguese explorer Joaquin Numonia. Numonia’s flagship, the Plura Sea, is on display in the city’s maritime museum in the Colla Dock area. A sled dog race along the waterfront, the Sea Spot Run, is also scheduled. If you’re looking for a good place to eat while in New Monia, try Casa Blanca. This fine restaurant is owned and operated by Sam Blanca, who has perfected the preparation of seafood to a fine art. Filet it again, Sam.

January 18-19: The Tchaikov Ski Lodge in central Pun is the site for this weekend’s Eiffel Downhill Ski Championship. Ski industry manufacturers from all over the island will be on hand promoting their products and hoping for endorsements from the top skiers who will be in attendance, such as Al Pine, Cher Lift, Freese Tile, Arty Fishell Snow, Kay Belkar, Telly Yuride, Bunny Slope, Ava Lanch, Sugar Lofe, Moe Gull, Ariel Mann Uber and even rapper-turned-skier T-Bar.

This weekend also finds the waters of Dire Straits the site of the “Regatta Get Out of This Place” sailboat races. Boat entries this year include O’Pun Sea, Hang on Sloop, Loco Mocean, Tom Cruiser, Ruby Yacht, Wind in the Billows, Aquaholic, Sea Yawl, Second Wind, All For Knot, Just Mist, Seaweed Dreams, Midlife Cry Seas, Hull in High Water, Up For Sail, Mizzen in Action, last year’s winner, Wave Goodbye. as well as the runner up, Knott Enough.

All Month: Celebrating the 85th anniversary of its opening in 1935, Home Plate restaurant in Mimiatda Station in central Pun has specials going on all month long. Located in the same town as the Pun Baseball Hall of Fame, the restaurant was established by Pun baseball legend Bubba Leenhot. Home Plate offers good food at prices that won’t make you balk. Try the Batter Up Pancakes for breakfast or the Fielder’s Choice Buffet for lunch. For supper, there are any number of succulent dishes such as Baltimore Chops, Bunted Fowl or Granny’s Lamb, garnished with National or American Leeks. There’s a seafood special (Basket Catch), a meatless dish (Goose Eggs), and assorted pickles, jams and Cracker Jack cheese. Kids can order off the Minor League menu (featuring Hot Dogs, Pop Fries, Strained Ham Strings, and Fowl Tips, among others) but all adult meals are served with Home Plate’s own home-brewed lager, Root, Root, Root Beer.  And for dessert, try the Wild Peaches. A sure hit.  Also, on weekends this month, Pun Baseball Hall of Famers  Babe DeBluox, Dutch Ubben, and Pee Wee Udd will be appearing at the restaurant, signing autographs.

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by The Dropped Leaf, specializing in distressed furniture, featuring ruptured desks, dented canopies, loose stools, game-legged card tables, and much more.  Located at the corner of Olde and Wirthless, on The Battery, Point Spread, Pun.

BIG NEWS! The discoverers of Pun, Hugo Yurway and Al Gomine, will be at the Market Days Fair in Tallahassee, Florida on December 7 and 8, selling pun maps and guidebooks. They hope to see you there!

December 1-7: The Christmas season rolls in this week and all eyes turn to DeKingand I.,  a heavily forested island south of pun. It is from this island that Pun’s yule trees are harvested. All this week, people clog Pun’s seaports to catch sight of the Yule Bringer, the ship that ferries the special cargo to the mainland. Check local listings for details on delivery dates and times.

December 7-8: The D’Jubilee ‘n’ Magic festival is held this weekend in Pun City. A kind of Renaissance Music Fair, the festival showcases the music of Johann Sebastian, who originated a new musical style when he baroque his harpsichord. His most noteworthy composition, the magical “Opus Pocus” is usually a festival high point. If you are looking for a good restaurant while attending the festival, try Shakespeare’s Hamlet.  Measure for measure, this is old English cuisine served as you like it.  Start with MacBroth, add Julius Caesar Salad, Romanov and Juliennes, Merchant of Venison and, for dessert, Oh! Jello!  What foods these morsels be!

All month: There are, of course, many seasonal events across the island this month. Many people head for eastern Pun and the Mary Carr Isthmus, which throughout the year offers a little something for everyone. It features a fairly large town, marshlands, a quiet harbor, mountains, and an offshore deep sea fishing area which are, respectively, Fort Collinburg, Three French Fen, Two Turtle Cove, Anna Peart Ridge, Anna Peart Reef, plus a spectacular view of the gulf from Lordsa Leap. All through December, there is a special yuletide festival in Fort Collinburg sponsored by clothing manufacturer Donna Gay Apparel, whose corporate headquarters are in the city. And for those who like local legends, actors re-create the activities associated with “The Ghost of Isthmus Pass,” who is said to haunt the area’s main highway at the bridge over Bah Canal. While in the area, be sure to take in the free tour of one of the island’s largest distilleries, Isthmus Spirits.

December 14: The regular college football season is over but the championship game is played this date at Pun City’s Tydee Bowl and the whole island is flush with excitement.  The game pits (No. 2) Pennsyl versus Puplick-Ennemie (No. 1).

December 31: Along with people around the world, Punsters will be ringing in the new year at midnight. The traditional song sung at the moment the clock strikes twelve celebrates the story of Doodle Lang, an old mountain bootlegger who would stand on the top of his house and, at midnight, toss jugs of his ‘mountain dew” moonshine to the revelers who had gathered below. Lang would post a large sign in nearby villages, inviting people to his house for the celebration. The midnight “Dew Drop” has become a tradition celebrated across the island, albeit now with trinkets and candies instead of liquor. The familiar lyrics of the song begin, “There is a man who’s name is Lang/ And he has a great big sign/ And Mr. Lang is very old, / So they call it Old Lang’s Sign.”

Happy holidays, everybody.

This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by the Eeny Meany Dynamo Company, where the company motto is “Eeny Meany dynamos are the generators of choice.  We make things hum.”  Located at 6569 Battery Road, Electri City, Pun.

November 2-3: There are many fall festivals all across Pun and on this weekend the seaport city of Smorgasburg on the shore of Betonda Bay holds its Flounders Day celebration. The highlight is a fishing tournament held just for the halibut. The city also has many attractions that reflect its rich seafaring history. For over two hundred years, ships have been guided into Betonda Bay by Miller Light, which was built in 1782 and immortalized in the 1897 novel, Miller Light by Tess Grate and Les Philling. Tours of the lighthouse are available and visitors can learn the amount of work involved in lighthouse keeping. Just a short walk from the lighthouse is the Smorgasburg Maritime Museum. Here, visitors can view displays of representative sea vessels from throughout Pun’s history. Prominently exhibited are the ketch Yurbreath, the junk Yard Dog, the rum-running proa Bitchin’, the launch Ainy, the barge Rye Tin, the schooner Orlater, the ferry Godmother and, for this weekend only, the submarine Sand Witch. Shoppers will enjoy Dock Holiday, a row of former warehouses on the bay front that have been converted into specialty shops. You can find antique sleepwear at Yesterday’s Snooze, garden herbs at Mother Nature and Father Thyme , men’s suits from China at Kuppensaucer’s, and nautical knickknacks at Shipshapes, just to name a few. Looking for a good place to eat while in Smorgasburg? Try Hearth and Sole and savor delicious seafood before a warm and inviting fireplace. This is north country dining at its finest. Home is where the hearth is.

November 10-16: This is Dinosaur Week at the Kolomaz Museum in Pun City. On display are fossils retrieved from the frozen wastes of the Dubbelon Tundra and from the ooze and mire of the Walter Wall Tar Pits. Some of the creatures whose bones have been pieced together apparently existed nowhere else on earth. You’ll see fossils of the Red Commisaur, Roget’s Thesaurus, the almost overlooked Nobodisaurus, the two-footed Dubbeldactyl, the deadly Mafiadon, the foul-smelling Tyrannosaurs Reex, the clone-like Peezinapod, the annoying Mythroatisaur, and the nocturnal Dusktodon. Also on display are the fossils of early mammals such as the Wooly Bully, the Tame Minotta Shrew, the Chatterb Ox (also known as the Yakkity Yak), the Shuffelofta Buffalo, and a flying pig-like creature, the Hamm Hawk.

All month: The college football season on Pun winds down but there are still important upcoming games this month. Early in November, it’s Kumm at Wuntz.  Later in the month,  Just goes to Shoya, Buoy meets Gull, DeWolfe is at Midor, Gulliver travels to Lillliput, and in the annual battle of military academies, it’s Sergeant at Arms.

Special Notice:  On December 7-8, 2019, the discoverers of the Island of Pun and the Free Associations, Hugo Yurway and Al Gomine, will be at the Market Days Arts and Crafts Festival in Tallahassee, Florida, selling Pun maps and copies of their Pun travel guide, Isthmus Be the Place.  They look forward to seeing you there!

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by Private Investigator Trent Shkote, who advertises as “The P.I best suited for the job.”  Located at the corner of Leeds and Clews,  Boogen Villa, Pun.

October 3-: Pun’s Baseball Championship Series gets underway with a rematch of last year’s series as the Baskin Robins, under manager Dibble “Scoop” Sunday, again take on the Seville Engineers, led by manager Bill DeDamm.

October 5-6: Ore Chasm in central Pun hosts the Flourish of Strumpets festival. Ore Chasm was a productive gold mining area in the late 1800’s and there are still many places in Ore Chasm where people still scratch and claw nuggets out of the once ore-rich rock. The festival celebrates the area’s history and features a hoedown on the floor of the ballroom of the homestead of Lady Moneydown, wife of Lord Halfmercy.

October 10: October 10 is Independence Day on Pun. In 1791, the death of the Great Pun King, Charlebrown, resulted in a political vacuum because he left no heir. This led to a titanic struggle among Pun’s nobility for control of the ship of state. Eventually, through four years of back-stabbing, arm-twisting and throat-cutting, Lord Elordi of St Spreservus succeeded in dismembering the body politic and emerged as the head of a new political force that he ruled with an iron hand. He was crowned the new monarch in 1795.  Elordi’s rise to power was so steeped in treachery that it is no wonder that his government soon found itself in hot water. His oppressive laws and taxes brought tensions to a boiling point and in 1800, Pun exploded in open rebellion.  Elordi was backed by the aristocracy while the rebel front was made up of lesser nobility and the common people. Elordi viewed the commoners with disgust. “The people are revolting,” he said. “They have no reason to complain. They are a rabble without a cause.” The two sides met in a climactic battle in the streets of Pun City in 1802. The rebels stormed Bustov Palace (the royal residence) and captured the king. In exchange for his life, Elordi was forced to sign the Countov Manifesto, which established a constitutional monarchy and provided for an elected parliament as the legislative branch of government. This was great victory for the common people who, for the first time, were to have a voice in their country’s future. The day is commemorated across the island by fireworks displays and parades. Before the parade in Pun City, catch the Ouida Peeple Pre-Amble (named for a revolutionary martyr) through the streets of the city. This year’s trio of Grand Marshalls for the Pun City parade are the Curators of the Pun Museum of Folk Music, Shelby Cumming, Rhonda Mount & Gwen Sheekums.

October 19-20: The artist’s colony of Sound Retreat on Veronica lake in central Pun is host to an art sale and wine tasting during the Arts and Carafe festival this weekend. Veronica Lake is is another of Pun’s beautiful lakes and offers boating, fishing, camping and water-skiing activities during summer months. The artists’ colony of Sound Retreat is on the lake’s south shore. It’s guest list reads like a Who’s Who of Pun’s artistic heritage. Over the years, the colony has been temporary home to the poets Tennyson Ewon, Whittier Want, Odette Burns, Sol Longfellow, Dee Frost, R.U. Donne, Marshall Dylan, and Wordsworth Reeding. Artists such as L.O. Dali, Herve Gaugain, E.Z. Monet, Kay Seurat-Seurat, Potters Klee and Geddup Van Gogh have also sojourned here, enjoying the peace, tranquility, and beauty of this lake settlement.

All month: College football continues across the island. In games of interest this month, it’s Kumeer at Wunce, Stork visits Newly-Wedz, Fellon goes to Jayle, Hippie goes to Pott, Marz invades Erth, Eacher meets Enveggies, Dante goes to Hale, and Gambler receives Io U.

All month: Special reduced pricing is featured all month long at The Edible Complex in Fort Issimo.  The Edible Comples is not one but several restaurants grouped together under one roof.  Because of Fort Issimo’s history as a mining town, all these eateries, such as Grub Steaks, use a mining motif, but each with a different specialty.  Panned Out features crepes.  Mine Furor specializes in German cuisine.  Shaft’s features soul food.  For most people, however, the restaurant of choice is Seven Potato Ore, which undoubtedly has Pun’s finest potato bar.  All the restaurants are excellent.  Eat at The Edible Complex and you’ll swear you’ve hit the mother lode.

This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by Eva Lye Potions and Magic.  Eva Lye’s hocus-pocus focus will help you with all your magical needs.  Low on good luck?  Eva’s amulets work like a charm.  Located at 13 Every Witch Way, Boogen Villa, Pun.

As autumn begins on the islands of Pun and the Free Associations, the weather begins to turn foul. High winds, known as the Fish Gales, blow across the region, producing a wholly mackerel sky. High level storm clouds, comprised of whirled cirrus, bring baseball-sized hail. There is usually a two-week respite from the steadily declining temperatures late in the fall. This period of “Indian Summer” is accompanied by Apache Fog.

September 1-7:The first week in September is designated as “Gnu’s Week” on Pun, which is celebrated annually to honor Pun’s national symbols, Goode Gnus. See local sources for celebration details for each community.  It doesn’t matter if you’ve attended past years’ celebrations.  Each year, there is always something Gnu.

September 7-8: The Common Coal Festival is held in the Gesund Heights in Central Pun. The festival consists of displays of mountain arts and crafts, many of which are made with the wood of trees indigenous to the area such as the Aw-Aw Cashew. Also on display are coal industry exhibits which attempt to demonstrate that the importance of coal to the economy is nothing to sneeze at.

September 7: College football kicks off in the Tydee Bowl in Pun City as Joe College hosts its crosstown rival, Wotsamadda U.  In other games of interest, Stanley meets Livingston, Luna Tech is at Large, Spark is matched against Flame,  Gulliver travels to Lilliput, and Iam at Wittsend.  Additionally, in match-ups of similarly named schools, it’s Kramer versus Kramer and Hope against Hope.

September 16-22: Santa Lucia, on Pun’s west coast, is host to the Maiden Fair, which runs through the entire week. The highlight of this Renaissance-style fair is the “Joust Between Friends,” which gives fair-goers a pointed reminder of what Pun life was like during the island’s feudal period.

September 23-September 29: The “Pirate Days Festival” is held in the southern Pun City of Seville to commemorate the city’s history as a pirate base in the late 1700’s. The pirate influence on Seville remains evident even today. The homes of pirates Long John Undaweir and Cap’n Gown still stand and are open for tours during the festival. At Booty Rest, a local cemetery where pirates were said to have buried some of their treasures, lie the remains of James Teach, alleged cousin of Edward Teach, who was known as Blackbeard. James Teach was known as Blackboard and also Jungle Jim. The festival is held near the Old Harbor Market, which is preserved as it was in its heyday when plunder from pirate raids – foods, wines, cloth, and jewels – was sold openly at exorbitant prices. Pirate corn, for example, was a buck an ear. Looking for a place to stay while in Seville for the festival? Try the Poopdeck Hotel. Many of the inns and hotels in Seville have adopted a nautical motif, reflective of the city’s history as a pirate base. The Poopdeck does it up big. The tip-hungry bellhops are all dressed in sailor suits (wolves in ship’s clothing), the restrooms off the lobby are labelled “Buoys” and “Gulls,” and each guest’s room features a live parrot on a stand, which probably explains the hotel’s name. Even local floozies parade through the lobby dressed as pirates (Yo-Ho-‘Ho’s), which in turn, explains why the hotel was originally known as the Admiral Bimbo Inn. Just across the street from the Poopdeck is The Pirate’s Blade, a restaurant where tasty food and good service provide an edge over the local competition. The house specialties are the swordfish and veal cutlass.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Pun’s self help group for compulsive talkers, On and On Anon. Check your local mental health providers for group meetings in your area.  Forget what you’ve heard about other compulsive talker treatments.  On and On Anon will leave you speechless.

August 1-31: For the entire month of August, the Dog Days celebration takes place in Baskerville in northwestern Pun. Baskerville is widely known as the dog-breeding capital of the island. Many breeds of dogs, found only on Pun, originated here, including the the Allyn Shepherd, the Penny Pinscher, the Finger Pointer, the Jonathon Livingstone Beagle, the Knitten Afghan, the Angela Basset, the Kathy Griffon,  the Beemiup Scottie, the Bull Shih Tzu, the Habla Spaniel, the Melon Collie, the Harmonna Cur, and the Jimmy Crack Cairn. Many activities are planned and include free trips across the Bay of DeHounds on the Hounds Tooth Ferry. The festivities conclude on the 31st with the National Dog Show finals and the naming of the Best Dog in Show. Last year, the winner was Barf, a Skool-Kaffa Terrier. Another highlight of the show is the customary singing of the puppy judges’ song, “I’m Going to Sit Right Down and Rate Myself a Litter.”

August 3-4: Nachos Island, off Pun’s southern coast, hosts the Chili con Carnival, with its chili cooking competition. Four years ago, a new category – Hot and Sole – was added to introduce fish chili to the competition and was a big success. Last year, ingredients such as soy, quinoa, and kale were introduced in another new category called “Go To Health.” Commemorative T-shirts of the cook-off are available and feature the carnival slogan, “Bean There – Downed That.”

August 10-11: Courtens Park in Pun City is the site of this year’s National Kiss-Off, where couples kiss and try to be the last one off the buss. Once again, the competition’s festivities include romantic poetry recitations by Pun’s Poet Laureate Wordsworth Reeding, and love songs sung by Spanish songstress Bessie Mae Mucho.

All month: All this month, Bea’s Wax Museum is cutting admission prices in celebration of its 52nd anniversary. Madame Toussaud can’t hold a candle to Bea Keeper, who has a wicked way with wax. Her creations represent all walks of life from the well-heeled to the pedestrian. Visitors can meet hundreds of notables from Pun history such as railroad tycoon Chevalle D. Cole, Lord I.C. Liverspots (The Earl of Olay), songstress Carrie Oakie, race car driver Mario Speedwagon, champion wrestler Matt Burns, Italian-born general Vinnie Vidivici, and revolutionary martyrs Ouida Peeple and Doris O’Pun. In the Chamber of Horrors are represented the infamous such as highwaymen Avery Juan Reech and Stan “Dandy” Liver and the criminal duo of Phil O’Nee and Misty Meaner.

This issue is dedicated to the memory of the late Marcus Tardy, President of the Pun Procrastination Society.

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by Rahfish Sushi Bar and Bait Shop, where proprietor Chum N.D Watter says, “One bite and you’ll be hooked.”  Located at 478 Eel Barrow Rd, just off the waterfront at Wotsop Dock in Pun City.

July 3-7: A surfing competition and subsequent crowning of the “Chairman of the Board” are part of the DeGraydis Capers week at (where else) DeGraydis Cape on Pun’s southern coast. Please note that although the surfing competition is still scheduled, the event is subject to postponement if there are reports of sharks in the area. Periodic sightings of Lone, Card, and Poole Sharks have had festival organizers worried. Four years ago, a surfer lost a toe to a shark and had to drop out of the Hang Ten competition.  Surfers are keen to compete but no one wants their attempt to be crowned champion to cost them an arm and a leg.

July 6: Northern Pun’s city of Smorgasburg hosts its annual Rat Race (also known as the C.Howdy Run), a 10-K event held each July along the shoreline of Betonda Bay. Last year’s winners were Mary Thon and Amahl Tucker Dout.  If you like to get your exercise on the dance floor, you might try Smorgasburg’s Swedish Meet Ball, held in conjunction with the Rat Race. This marathon dance is held in the ballroom of the Swede Dreams Hotel. While in Smorgasburg, we recommend dining at The Shipyard. This converted dockside warehouse, formerly known as the Barge Inn, is owned by Abel Seaman, a former whaler captain and current president of the Pun Sperm Bank. The Shipyard’s menu includes subs, steamers of clams, and a ketch of the day, all of which can be washed down with a schooner of ale. Seaman says, “Yawl come out for launch and eat a yacht.”

July 14-16: The local mental health clinics of Grape harbor benefit from the proceeds of a wine-tasting celebration during the Days of Wine and Neuroses festival kicking off on the 14th and running through the weekend. Grape Harbor and the Rio McCoy valley to the northeast comprise Pun’s wine country. Vineyards are everywhere and produce wines for every taste. A partial listing of those available at the wine tasting include Bridgette Bordeaux – a light French-style wine that ages beautifully; Hello Madeira – a good introductory wine, light, pleasant, complimentary, promising better things; Wotz-Rongwitt Medoc – A curious wine, hard to define, tasting expensive but leaving a question on the palate; Garland-Avery Port – a low-class wine for the non-discriminating wine drinker; Madam Moselle – an exciting but underage wine that makes up in vitality what it lacks in depth and maturity; and Ringsov Sauterne – one of Pun’s most potent wines – one or two glasses will knock you flat on Uranus.

July 22-27:  The Home Owners, Renovators and Retailers Interior Design (H.O.R.R.I.D) Show debuts this week in Pun City.  Companies displaying their home decorating and renovation products include Mickey Mantels, Lou’s Stools, Matta Doors, Seek Lamps, Lila Carr Rug, Mike Rosoff Windows, La Brea Carpets, Horr’s Tables, Sauer Drapes, Repp Tiles, Howard Hues Paints, Geiger Counters, Bretha Fress Chairs, and Pharaoh Faucets.

July 24-28: The Pun National SETI Conference opens in St. Spreservus in southern Pun and is open to the public. SETI stands for Search for Evidential Traces of Ignoramia. The conference offers lectures and exhibits about this curious island. Don’t bother looking for Ignoramia on any recent maps of Pun and the Free Association Islands; it isn’t there. Ignoramia is is a legendary lost island, said to have sunk into Luna Sea under the weight of its own ineptitude.
Little is known about the land. Its form of government appears to have been an idiocracy – government by the stupid. Its Parliament, known as Fools’ Circle, was made up of 1000 Ignoramuses who met on the Asinine Heights mountain top of Numm’s Skull (also known as Bone Head and Addle Pate). So incompetent were its leaders that Ignoramia was also known as the Land of 1000 Dunces. Even the island’s forests were dense. The Black Forest, for example, was so dense that not even light escaped. Ignoramia had few cities. Those that did exist (Simpleton, Slow Downs, Ninny, Oaf) were surrounded by thick walls, set at obtuse angles to one another.
There is some evidence that some Ignoramuses made their way to Pun, apparently brought in by dope smugglers. No other flora and fauna are known to have survived. Animals thought to have lived on the island include the Sillee Ass and the Lumm Ox. In addition, scientists have found on small isolated atolls in the region Dodo droppings and Ninkum poop, which would indicate the these species might have been there also.
Periodically, adventurers will get it into their heads to go search for Ignoramia, but the dark, muddled waters of the sea make this an extremely dangerous undertaking. The bottom line is that only someone whose heritage can be traced back to Ignoramia would attempt such a foolhardy enterprise, so if you’re actively searching for Ignoramuses, you probably are one.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by The Bridal Path, Wedding Consultants.  Bridal Path proprietor Gwen Toody Chapel says,  “When you’re through horsing around, we’ll help you rope him in, bit by bit.”  Located on Center Isle, Pun.

June 1-2: The Oh! Migration! festival, held in Babaloo on the island of Santa Lucia (the Isle of Lucy), celebrates Pun’s inland expansion from the coastal city-states. Thousands gather to participate in activities centered in and around Pepptobiz Mall to honor the spirit that settled the interior.

June 2: Batteries Park, on the south side of Point Spread in south-central Pun, is the site of a special celebration honoring the city’s history as an important military post. The artillery battery cannons, known as the Guns of Neveron, which for years protected Honorondo Bay and Pun’s capital from marauding pirates such as Cap’n Gown and Long John Undaweir, are still fired once a year to recreate their historic role in Pun’s history. The city creates a festival around the event, held each year on Neveron Sunday.

June 10-16: Mon Key holds its annual Mon Key Shines festival through this week, highlighted by barrel races, business exhibits, a greased pole climbing competition, a wrench toss, and the Gorilla My Dreams beauty pageant.

June 21: In eastern Pun, the longest day of the year is celebrated in a huge arts and crafts festival at the site of Pun’s largest waterfall (720 feet). Check out The Bigger Day Arts at DeHarderday Falls.

June 30: Judge Crater was formed in eastern Pun about 10,000 years ago when a meteorite crashed into the earth. The crater is named for Hubie D. Judge, the man who discovered and mapped it in 1741, and is primarily known for its vast fields of mint that grow in the crater. The rich land of the area gives the mint a strong bouquet and flavor that is highly prized by Pun citizens. A celebration is held every year and people come from all over the island to partake in the festivities on June 30, Judge Mint Day.

All month: In what has now become an annual event, the Pun National Museum of Dance History in Foot Falls has special exhibits all month with reduced admission prices. Visitors can view films and displays and also follow footprint patterns on the floor to do the King Conga, Sour Mash, Weirdos’ Disco, Little Black Samba, Plummers Clog, the Pyar Square Dance (actually a Round Dance) Izzit Reel, Cold Turkey Trot, the Oliver, Plot, and Arm Twists, Lapp Dance, Front Porch Swing, Pink Flamenco, Fazz Shuffle, Watcher Step, Lemon Merengue, Thingma Jig, Mild, Medium or Spicy Salsa, or the Carr Rhumba (also known as the Carr Hop and the Front End Shimmy). There are also displays covering the outlawed Strip Polka and the Buttin’s Key Cannibals’ dance, the Hominy Minuet.

Featured Restaurant of the Month: If you can resist anything but temptation, try Hell’s Kitchen in Foot Falls, Pun.  This new eatery features a host of deviled foods such as ham, eggs and crab, and also a variety of meat dishes cooked over an open flame.  Crowds gravitate to this place like lost souls.  The attractive corps of waitresses are known collectively as Hell’s Belles.  This is the hottest restaurant on the island.