This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by Invictus Shoes, where the company motto is, “I am the master of my feet; I am the captain of my soles.” Located at fine shoe stores throughout Pun.

November 5-6: There are many fall festivals all across Pun and on this weekend the seaport city of Smorgasburg on the shore of Betonda Bay holds its Flounders Day celebration. The highlight is a fishing tournament held just for the halibut. The city also has many attractions that reflect its rich seafaring history. For the last two hundred years, ships have been guided into Betonda Bay by Miller Light, which was built in 1782 and immortalized in the 1897 novel, Miller Light by Tess Grate and Les Philling. Tours of the lighthouse are available and visitors can learn the amount of work involved in lighthouse keeping. Just a short walk from the lighthouse is the Smorgasburg Maritime Museum. Here, visitors can view displays of representative sea vessels from throughout Pun’s history. Prominently exhibited are the ketch Yurbreath, the junk Yard Dog, the rum-running proa Bitchin’, the launch Ainy, the barge Rye Tin, the schooner Orlater, the ferry Godmother and, for this weekend only, the submarine Sand Witch. Shoppers will enjoy Dock Holiday, a row of former warehouses on the bay front that have been converted into specialty shops. You can find antique sleepwear at Yesterday’s Snooze, garden herbs at Mother Nature and Father Thyme , men’s suits from China at Kuppensaucer’s, and nautical knickknacks at Shipshapes, just to name a few. Looking for a good place to eat while in Smorgasburg? Try the Hearth and Sole and savor delicious seafood before a warm and inviting fireplace. This is north country dining at its finest. Home is where the hearth is.

November 14-19: This is Dinosaur Week at the Kolomaz Museum in Pun City. On display are fossils retrieved from the frozen wastes of the Dubbelon Tundra and from the ooze and mire of the Walter Wall Tar Pits. Some of the creatures whose bones have been pieced together apparently existed nowhere else on earth. You’ll see fossils of the Roget’s Thesaurus, the almost overlooked Nobodisaurus, the two-footed Dubbeldactyl, the deadly Red Commisaur, the foul-smelling Tyrannosaurs Reex, the annoying Mythroatisaur, and the nocturnal Dusktodon. Also on display are the fossils of early mammals such as the Wooly Bully, the Tame Minotta Shrew, the Chatterb Ox (also known as the Yakkity Yak), the Shuffelofta Buffalo, and a flying pig-like creature, the Hamm Hawk.

All month: The college football season on Pun winds down but there are still important upcoming games this month. Early in November, Electorate is at Frenzeed State. Later in the month, Turrist travels to Farr-Enlands, Retyree is at Ease, Olive and Proon are pitted against one another and in the annual battle of military academies, it’s Sergeant at Arms.

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by The Will Svargo Stage Company. This theatrical company is now casting for “A Fish Called Wanda” at 240 Dress Circle, Wheelboro, Pun.

October 4-: Pun’s Baseball Championship Series gets underway as the Robins Sun-Cruisers, under manager Mann Friday, take on the Pun Slingers, led by manager Theophilus Punoval.

October 10: October 10 is Independence Day on Pun. In 1791, the death of the Great Pun King, Charlebrown, resulted in a political vacuum because he left no heir. This led to a titanic struggle among Pun’s nobility for control of the ship of state. Eventually, through four years of back-stabbing, arm-twisting and throat-cutting, Lord Elordi of St Spreservus succeeded in dismembering the body politic and emerged as the head of a new political force that he ruled with an iron hand. He was crowned the new monarch in 1795. Elordi’s rise to power was so steeped in treachery that it is no wonder that his government soon found itself in hot water. His oppressive laws and taxes brought tensions to a boiling point and in 1800, Pun exploded in open rebellion. Elordi was backed by the aristocracy while the rebel front was made up of lesser nobility and the common people. Elordi viewed the commoners with disgust. “The people are revolting,” he said. “They have no reason to complain. They are a rabble without a cause.” The two sides met in a climactic battle in the streets of Pun City in 1802. The rebels stormed Bustov Palace (the royal residence) and captured the king. In exchange for his life, Elordi was forced to sign the Countov Manifesto, which established a constitutional monarchy and provided for an elected parliament as the legislative branch of government. This was great victory for the common people who, for the first time, were to have a voice in their country’s future. The day is commemorated across the island by fireworks displays and parades. Before the parade in Pun City, catch the Ouida Peeple Pre-Amble(named for a revolutionary martyr) through the streets of the city. The Grand Marshall for the Pun City parade is the Chief Historian for the Pun City Revolution Museum, Bertha Van Nation. Check local sources for information about celebration details in other areas.

October 8-9: Ore Chasm in central Pun hosts the Flourish of Strumpets festival. Ore Chasm was a productive gold mining area in the late 1800’s and there are still many places in Ore Chasm where people still scratch and claw nuggets out of the once ore-rich rock. The festival celebrates the area’s history and features a hoedown on the floor of the ballroom of the homestead of Lady Moneydown, wife of Lord Halfmercy.

October 22-23: The artist’s colony of Sound Retreat on Veronica lake in central Pun is host to an art sale and wine tasting during the Arts and Carafe festival this weekend. Veronica Lake is is another of Pun’s beautiful lakes and offers boating, fishing, camping and water-skiing activities during summer months. The artists colony of Sound Retreat is on the lake’s south shore. It’s guest list reads like a Who’s Who of Pun’s artistic heritage. Over the years, the colony has been temporary home to the poets Tennyson Ewon, Whittier Want, Odette Burns, Sol Longfellow, R.U. Donne, Marshall Dylan, and Wordsworth Reeding. Artists such as L.O. Dali, Herve Gaugain, E.Z. Monet, and Geddup Van Gogh have also sojourned here, enjoying the peace, tranquility, and beauty of this lake settlement.

All month: College football continues across the island. This month’s schedule finds Iam at Lucends, Stanley meets Livingstone, Schipp takes on Kargo, Yaybull goes up against DeWall, DeThyme is at Hand, and Tell-Meagg hosts Storrey.

This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by Dr. Ben Dover, M.D., proctologist. See Dr. Ben Dover and all your problems will be behind you. Office at the end of Alimentary Canal, Artich Oaks, Pun.

As autumn begins on the islands of Pun and the Free Associations, the weather begins to turn foul. High winds, known as the Fish Gales, blow across the region, producing a wholly mackerel sky. High level storm clouds, comprised of whirled cirrus, bring baseball-sized hail. There is usually a two-week respite from the steadily declining temperatures late in the fall. This period of “Indian Summer” is accompanied by Apache Fog.

August 29-September 4:The first week in September is designated as “Gnu’s Week” on Pun, which is celebrated annually to honor Pun’s national symbols, Goode Gnus.See local sources for celebration details for each community.

September 3-4: The Common Coal Festival is held in the Gesund Heights in Central Pun. The festival consists of displays of mountain arts and crafts, many of which are made with the wood of trees indigenous to the area such as the Aw-Aw Cashew. Also on display are coal industry exhibits which attempt to demonstrate that the importance of coal to the economy is nothing to sneeze at.

September 3: College football kicks off in the Tydee Bowl in Pun City as Joe College hosts crosstown rival Wotsamadda U. In other games of interest, Stanley meets Livingston, Luna Tech is at Large, Minister visits Shuttins, Reckloose is at Holm, Deeds goes to Town, Smith goes to Washington, DeLon goes to Seed and Dante goes to Hale.

September 19-25: Santa Lucia, on Pun’s west coast, is host to the Maiden Fair, which runs through the entire week. The highlight of this Renaissance-style fair is the “Joust Between Friends,” which gives fair-goers a pointed reminder of what Pun life was like during the island’s feudal period.

September 26-October 2: The “Pirate Days Festival” is held in the southern Pun City of Seville to commemorate the city’s history as a pirate base in the late 1700’s. The pirate influence on Seville remains evident even today. The homes of pirates Long John Undaweir and Cap’n Gown still stand and are open for tours during the festival. At Booty Rest, a local cemetery where pirates were said to have buried some of their treasures, lie the remains of James Teach, alleged cousin of Edward Teach, who was known as Blackbeard. James Teach was known as Blackboard and also Jungle Jim. The festival is held near the Old Harbor Market, which is preserved as it was in its heyday when plunder from pirate raids – foods wines, cloth, and jewels – was sold openly at exorbitant prices. Pirate corn, for example, was a buccaneer. Looking for a place to stay while in Seville for the festival? Try the Poopdeck Hotel. Many of the inns and hotels in Seville have adopted a nautical motif, reflective of the city’s history as a pirate base. The Poopdeck does it up big. The tip-hungry bellhops are all dressed in sailor suits (wolves in ship’s clothing), the restrooms off the lobby are labelled “Buoys” and “Gulls,” and each guest’s room features a live parrot on a stand, which probably explains the hotel’s name. Even local floozies parade through the lobby dressed as pirates (Yo-Ho-‘Ho’s), which in turn, explains why the hotel was originally know as the Admiral Bimbo Inn. Just across the street from the Poopdeck is The Pirate’s Blade, a restaurant where tasty food and good service provide an edge over the local competition. The house specialties are the swordfish and veal cutlass.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by On and On-Anon, self-help groups for compulsive talkers, found in various locations throughout Pun.

August 1-31: For the entire month of August, the Dog Days celebration takes place in Baskerville in northwestern Pun. Baskerville is widely known as the dog-breeding capital of the island. Many breeds of dogs, found only on Pun, originated here, including the the Allyn Shepherd, the Penny Pinscher, the Finger Pointer, the Johnathon Livingstone Beagle, the Knitten Afghan, the Angela Basset, the Skool-Kaffa Terrier, the Mellon Collie, and the Jimmy Crack Cairn. Many activities are planned and include free trips across the Bay of DeHounds on the Hounds Tooth Ferry. The festivities conclude on the 31st with the National Dog Show finals and the naming of the Best Dog in Show. Last year, two time winner Perro, an Habla Spaniel, was dethroned by Spock, a Beemiup Scottie. Another highlight of the show is the customary singing of the puppy judges’ song, “I’m Going to Sit Right Down and Rate Myself a Litter.”

August 6-7: Nachos Island, off Pun’s southern coast, hosts the Chili con Carnival, with its chili cooking competition. Two years ago, a new category – Hot and Sole – was added to introduce fish chili to the competition and was a big success. Commemorative T-shirts of the cook-off are available and feature the carnival slogan, “Bean There – Downed That.”

August 13-14: Courtens Park in Pun City is the site of this year’s National Kiss-Off, where couples kiss and try to be the last one off the buss. Once again, the competition’s festivities include romantic poetry recitations by Pun’s Poet Laureate Wordsworth Reading, and love songs sung by Spanish songstress Bessie Mae Mucho.

This Month’s Special Report: The Isle of Nachos: “It was a dark and stormy knight that approached Queen Faraday’s castle on the Isle of Nachos on that bleak November day.” So begins Mort DeArthur’s account of Queen Faraday’s legendary city of Buenos Nachos and the Court of Good Knights. The gallant knights traversed the islands, performing acts of derring-do (and what men of daring don’t?). Sir Jeckyl Steele, for example, used his blade to carve quite a name for himself by cutting many an evil foe down to size. Sir Lee Muldowny, on the other hand, was a dragon specialist. Sir Ron D’Pitty was always finding himself in unexpected adventures.
The knight mentioned in DeArthur’s opening above is, of course, Nomoon, the Black Knight. His arranged marriage to Queen Faraday, his repeated unfaithfulness, and her revenge through the bloody Seven-Year-Itch War are all parts of the legend that even Pun’s grade school children know. For the past ten years, however, DeArthur has been researching the Buenos Nachos myth, has pored over ancient manuscripts, and has even walked the areas of Ruffles Ridge where the legendary city is said to have stood. The result is DeArthur’s new book A Little Myth Understanding, in which he reveals newly discovered pieces of the legend.
For example, the Court of Good Knights had a resident magician, Merlin the Haggard, who was said to have risen from his tomb in the small village of Abra and is therefore sometimes referred to as the Abra Cadaver. Merlin was wrongfully accused of putting a curse on Nomoon which led to Nomoon’s infidelity.
Also in the court was the knights’s fencing instructor, Perry Enthrust. Known for his rapier wit, Enthrust was actually a spy for Queen Faraday’s old enemy, Lord I.C. Liverspots, the Earl of Olay. Enthrust’s allegiance changed, however, and with a desperate sword duel with Liverspots, Enthrust ran his sword through the old Earl’s chest. “Curses!” Liverspots shrieked, “Foiled again!”
During the Seven-Year-Itch War, Queen Faraday received help from an unlikely source, her court entertainer, Gofer the Juggler. Pressed into service as a courier during the climactic Battle of the Bands, Gofer came upon a regiment of the Queen’s trooos trapped in a mountain pass by a river of molten lava spewing from the island’s volcano, Mauna Roll. “We’re trapped!” called out the captain to Gofer. “There is no way direction in which we can proceed.”
“Nonsense!” replied Gofer. “There must be fifty ways to leave your lava.” And with that, Gofer proceeded to lead the Queen’s troops through a mountain tunnel until they were behind Nomoon’s lines.
For his heroism, Gofer was a made an honorary member of the Queen’s Lavaliers. He also remained Queen Faraday’s most beloved entertainer. In his later years, he is said to have developed a new style of music subsequently named in his honor, Gofer Baroque.
There are some historians who claim that Buenos Nachos and the Court of Good Knights actually existed. They note the discovery at excavation sites of jewelry and precious stones, such as the Teerzoffa Crown, Tiara Boomdiay, and the Verne Jewels, as evidence that the ancient ruins on the island were once a thriving city. Whether these items are the sole remaining relics from the fabled court or perhaps part of some pirate’s long lost treasure is still open to speculation.

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by Omar Akin Bach, Chiropractor. Bach says, “Forget what you might have heard; we’ll straighten you out.” Located at the corner of Twist and Popp in Back Bend, Pun.

July 4-9: A surfing competition and subsequent crowning of the “Chairman of the Board” are part of the DeGraydis Capers week at (where else) DeGraydis Cape on Pun’s southern coast. Please note that although the surfing competition is still scheduled, the event is subject to postponement due to the presence of sharks in the area. Recent sightings of Lone, Card, and Poole Sharks have festival organizers worried.

July 9: Northern Pun’s city of Smorgasburg hosts its annual Rat Race (also known as the C.Howdy Run), a 10-K event held each July along the shoreline of Betonda Bay. Last year’s winners were Mary Thon and Gaspin Ferrer. If you like to get your exercise on the dance floor, you might try Smorgasburg’s Swedish Meet Ball, held in conjunction with the Rat Race. This marathon dance is held in the ballroom of the Swede Dreams Hotel. While in Smorgasburg, we recommend dining at The Shipyard. This converted dockside warehouse, formerly known as the Barge Inn, is owned by Abel Seaman, a former whaler captain and current president of the Pun Sperm Bank. The Shipyard’s menu includes subs, steamers of clams, and a ketch of the day, all of which can be washed down with a schooner of ale. Yawl come out for launch and eat a yacht.

July 15-17: The local mental health clinics of Grape harbor benefit from the proceeds of a wine-tasting celebration during the Days of Wine and Neuroses festival kicking off on the 15th and running through the weekend. Grape Harbor and the Rio McCoy valley to the northeast comprise Pun’s wine country Vineyards are everywhere and produce wines for every taste. A partial listing of those available at the wine tasting include Bridgette Bordeaux – a light French-style wine that ages beautifully; Hello Madeira – a good introductory wine, light, pleasant, complimentary, promising better things; Wotz-Rongwitt Medoc – A curious wine, hard to define, tasting expensive but leaving a question on the palate; Garland-Avery Port – a low-class wine for the non-discriminating wine drinker; Madam Moselle – an exciting but underage wine that makes up in vitality what it lacks in depth and maturity; and Ringsov Sauterne – one of Pun’s most potent wines – one or two glasses will knock you flat on Uranus.

July 25-29: The Pun National SETI Conference opens in St. Spreservus in southern Pun and is open to the public. SETI stands for Search for Evidential Traces of Ignoramia. The conference offers lectures and exhibits about the curious island of Ignoramia. Don’t bother looking for Ignoramia on any recent maps of Pun and the Free Association Islands; it isn’t there. Ignoramia is is a legendary lost island, said to have sunk into Luna Sea under the weight of its own ineptitude.
Little is known about the land. Its form of government appears to have been an idiocracy – government by the stupid. Its Parliament, known as Fools’ Circle, was made of of 1000 Ignoramuses who met on the Asinine Heights mountain top of Numm’s Skull (also known as Bone Head and Addle Pate). So incompetent were its leaders that Ignoramia was also known as the Land of 1000 Dunces. Even the island’s forests were dense. The Black Forest, for example, was so dense that not even light escaped. Ignoramia had few cities. Those that did exist (Simpleton, Slow Downs, Oaf) were surrounded by thick walls, set at obtuse angles to one another.
There is some evidence that some Ignoramuses made their way to Pun, apparently brought in by dope smugglers. No other flora and fauna are known to have survived. Animals thought to have lived on the island include the Sillee Ass and the Lumm Ox. In addition, scientists have found on small isolated atolls in the region Dodo droppings and Ninkum poop, which would indicate the these species might have been there also.
Periodically, adventurers will get it into their heads to go search for Ignoramia, but the dark, muddled waters of the sea make this an extremely dangerous undertaking. The bottom line is that only someone whose heritage can be traced back to Ignoramia would attempt such a foolhardy enterprise, so if you’re actively searching for Ignoramuses, you probably are one.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Straight Chuters Skydiving Club. “At Straight Chuters, we let you down easy,” says Chief instructor Hy Hopes. Located at 123 Geronimo, Happy Landing, Pun.

June 1-5: The Oh! Migration! festival, held in Babaloo on the island of Santa Lucia (the Isle of Lucy), celebrates Pun’s inland expansion from the coastal city-states. Thousands gather to participate in activities centered in and around Pepptobiz Mall to honor the spirit that settled the interior.

June12: Batteries Park, on the south side of Point Spread in south-central Pun, is the site of a special celebration honoring the city’s history as an important military post. The artillery battery cannons, known as the Guns of Neveron, which for years protected Honorondo Bay and Pun’s capital from marauding pirates such as Long John Undaweir, are still fired once a year to recreate their historic role in Pun’s history. The city creates a festival around the event, held each year on Neveron Sunday.

June 11-18: Mon Key holds its annual Mon Key Shines festival through this week, highlighted by barrel races, business exhibits, a wrench toss, and the Gorilla My Dreams beauty pageant.

June 21: In eastern Pun, the longest day of the year is celebrated in a huge arts and crafts festival at the site of Pun’s largest waterfall (720 feet). Check out The Bigger Day Arts at DeHarderday Falls.

June 30: Judge Crater was formed in eastern Pun about 10,000 years ago when a meteorite crashed into the earth. The crater is named for Hubie D. Judge, the man who discovered and mapped it in 1741, and is primarily known for its vast fields of mint that grow in the crater. The rich land of the area gives the mint a strong bouquet and flavor that is highly prized by Pun citizens. A celebration is held every year and people come from all over the island to partake in the festivities on June 30, Judge Mint Day.

All month: In what has now become an annual event, the Pun National Museum of Dance History in Foot Falls has special exhibits all month with reduced admission prices. Visitors can view films and displays and also follow footprint patterns on the floor to do the King Conga, Sour Mash, Little Black Samba, the Pyar Square Dance (actually a Round Dance) Izzit Reel, Lemon Twist, Lapp Dance, Pink Flamenco, Fazz Shuffle, Thingma Jig, Mild, Medium or Spicy Salsa, or the Carr Rhumba (also known as the Carr Hop and the Front End Shimmy). There are also displays covering the outlawed Strip Polka and the Buttin’s Key Cannibals’ dance, the Hominy Minuet.

Featured Restaurant of the Month: The Brown Hurby-Curby: This little restaurant, located in Kukuborough and shaped like a big brown refuse container, is famous as a celebrity meeting spot. The back room of the establishment is where noted Pun actress Lotta Cleavage was discovered. It is also the site of the death of well known actor Roman Hands, with whom Lotta was discovered. The foods are plentiful, rich and famous. Try the BLT sandwich made with Kevin Bacon, the Lorne Greens, Okra Winfrey, Anne Rice, and the Rocky Road ice cream, replete with Chuckberries and Gregg Almonds.

The May installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by The Talon Show Nail Salon. The Talon Show’s proprietor is Klaus Sharpener who invites you to his shop’s location at 123 Manny Curanf Isle in Pun City.

May 1: At Forest Landing, a town on the Stream of Consciousness, the Pun Communist Party holds its yearly May Day celebration. The party’s society for men (The Marx Brothers) and its female counterpart (the Lenin Sisters), hold rallies, give speeches and, in general, attempt to recapture the glory of the Tsar Wars. Another Communist rally will take place in San Inyorchoos in southwest Pun at a restaurant called A Familiar Fez. The restaurant specializes in Arabian cuisine and is located across from the Camel Lot. The restaurant’s name refers to the fezzes worn by a fanatical Communist organization known as the Rogue Island Reds. In 1915, this fez and cape wearing group attempted to stage the infamous Cock-a-Doodle Coup. The Reds objective was to overthrow the government by pullets, not ballots. To a man, each member had vowed, if not successful in the attempt, to die with his fez and capon. The Reds’ first seditious endeavor was an assault on the arsenal at Duck Downs. But the attack never got off the ground. A dispirited faction of the Reds, known as the Cock-A-Doodle Dandies, failed to show up at the rendesvouz point and the attack had to be cancelled. The leader of the Reds, Layne Hens, denounced the Dandies as cowards. In an attempt to re-establish their honor, the Dandies, led by Rooster Cockborn, hatched a plot to raid the arsenal on their own. Ill equipped and out-manned, the raiders were soon discovered, quickly succumbed to government shelling, and eventually cracked. The coup a failure, the conspirators were all banished to Eggs Isle in the Ova Bight (now Center Isle of Honorondo Bay) where they lived out their lives and died martyrs to their cause. Despite the fact that the restaurant is named A Familiar Fez, you don’t see many fezzes around Pun these days. Apparently it is a fez only a martyr can love.

May 7-8: Check out the William Frolic in the town of Babaloo on Santa Lucia (the Isle of Lucy). Except for the traditional grape-stomping and candy-eating competitions and a the annual performance by the zany rock band Dizzy Lou, activities for this year’s Frolic were not available at press time. Expect the unexpected and you won’t be disappointed. Usually, everybody has a ball.

May 21: Once again, it’s Dennis Day in Pun City in honor of Seeyor Dennis, one of Pun’s most creative citizens. Dennis was a noted architect, engraver, and designer. He constructed many of the country’s bridges, engraved the currency plates,and designed the royal crowns. His house, in Tooth Acres at the corner of Ake and Payne, is open wide from 9-5 daily for tours.

May 19-22: We don’t know why we even publicize the Lazy Fair, held these four days at Fort Ewinks. No activities are planned, no arts and crafts demonstrated or displayed. Tourists are advised to leave this one alone.

All month: Admission fees are greatly reduced this month at Pun City’s Aboynem Zoo. The zoo is one of the most delightful attractions in Pun City and a must-see for tourists. Because Pun is an isolated island, the animal life is unique. Simulated natural environments showcase the wildlife to its best advantage. The “Tenk Yew Berry Marsh” simulates the environments of the Huckleberry Fen and Howe’s Bayou regions of the island. You’ll see Mad Adders and Dew Azure Toads and shore birds including George and Bugsy Sea Gulls, Frasier and Niles Cranes and Wright, Yu, and Leff Terns. The “Ape Pre-Cut Preserve” chronicles the devastating effects that rain forest clearing is having on the homes of mountain gorillas and and other species, such as the Barbara Mandrill. The special class of animals in the “Black Boar Jungle” offers a mix of savage and violent predators, such as the Dotted Lion and the Rod’s Tiger (which only hunts in the heat of the night). The “Borntabee Wilds” replicates Pun’s grasslands areas. You’ll see Saracen Roebuck, Hecklin Jackals, and Dix Eland, to name but a few. Newly constructed this year is the Forty Birds aviary, dedicated to preserving and replenishing the forty kinds of birds currently on Pun’s endangered species list. Here you’ll see the Harda Swallow, Peter Finch, Oh Jay, Christopher Robin, Sanfran Siskin, and Saint Louis Cardinal. There is also a petting zoo for the kids at “Nocturnal Farm” where children can come face to face with Night Mares, Rapid Hartebeests, and Gotch Ewes. Aboynem Zoo is located at the corner of Wilde and Woo Lee. Plan on spending at least a full day.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by the Dukov Oil Co., serving Pun for over a century. Dukov Oil proudly boasts, “We can fuel all of the people all of the time because there’s no fuel like an oil fuel.” Available throughout Pun.

After a particularly severe winter, Spring again has returned to Pun, characterized by temperate weather across most of the island and seasonal precipitation in the form of the Claude Rains. Early in the month, however, a low pressure area will be stalled over the northeast and consequently many inhabitants of this area will be feeling under the weather.

April 4: April 4 is Doris Day in Pun, a national holiday honoring Doris O’Pun, a revolutionary leader during the rebellion of 1800 which opened the door to constitutional government in Pun. Check with local city tourist bureaus for information on local celebration events. The O’Pun Arms Hotel (named for Doris O’Pun) in Pun City is offering discount rates on its rooms for the weekend festivities in the capital. Built in 1875, the O’Pun Arms is one of Pun’s oldest and grandest hotels, hospitable and inviting.

April 9: Young and old alike look forward to the annual re-opening of Shadowlands Theme Park just south of Fort Knight in central Pun. At Shadowland, you can hearken back to the days of Pun’s Dark Ages (the Age of Knights). Visitors to the this medieval village can find adventure on thrill rides such as the “Dragontrain” roller coaster, frolic on a typical village common in the “Plague Ground,” pick a crossbow and a quarrel at the “Archery Bunker,” watch simulated torture and beheadings at “Rack and Roll at the Palace,” or get a bite to eat at “Serf’s Sup.” Music is provided by a wandering band of musicians, The Minstrel Cycle, all of whom play period instruments.

April 11-17: This week on the Bikini Islands finds the Bum’s Rush Festival in full swing. The highlights are the Keister Parade held on the 11th and an Irish-themed semi-nude beauty contest, the Erin-Go-Bragh-less Pageant, on the 17.

April 25-30: This week the town of Coopdyville hosts the Punderground Festival but, as usual, we advise that you skip this event. Back in the 1920s, the street level around the old courthouse in the downtown area was raised. The stores on two adjoining streets, Investigation Alley and Contempt Avenue, were buried underground. In the 1980s, these underground shops were re-opened by entrepreneurs and the Punderground was born. It was designed to be home to trendy shops, restaurants and taverns but now sports a notorious reputation for high prices and outright fraud. Many of the shops are under Investigation and most of the rest are beneath Contempt. In addition, part of the city’s old sewer system has been turned into a water park called Sewerslide. If you choose to attend, you’ll find the most reputable shops to be Peter’s Cellars (a wine shop), Subs Terranean (featuring health-food sandwiches based mainly on locally grown mushrooms), Buried Treasures (antiques), Down Under (Australian goose-feather pillows and comforters), Deep Doodoo (organic fertilizers based mainly on locally grown mushrooms), the Doughnut Hole (pastries), and The Under Warehouse (lingerie).

All Month: In addition to the O’Pun Arms Hotel mentioned above, several other hotels throughout the islands are offering discount rates this month. Below are just a few. Check with local chambers of commerce for special deals.
Carpenter’s Square in Fort Ewinks was formerly the Lumber Inn, which was a plain, old fashioned boarding house located just south of the Fitfulse Lumber Yard. Remodeled and renamed in 1975, Carpenter’s Square is an excellent hotel run by a level-headed management. The hotel’s primary claim to fame, however, is its posh lounge, The Wrecking Bar, which features a potent gimlet punch but that’s not awl. The Screwdrivers and Rusty Nails are also guaranteed to keep you tight. The Wrecking Bar is a popular nightspot, as you miter guessed.
Babel Tower in Punta de Ball is an only partially completed hotel run by Polly Glott. It has to be experienced to be believed. Everyone who works here speaks a different language. There’s and Indian maid, an Arabian night clerk, a Blackfoot shoeshine boy, the barber is a Pole, the air-conditioner repairman is from Chile, the legal counsellor is Sioux, the bartender is a Black Russian, and the nightclub has a Czech bouncer. Nobody can understand anybody else abd, consequently, everybody’s in Dutch.
Mercy Boku operates the Vivaluff Ranch in Back Bend on the shores of Safen Sound. The rooms are large and welcoming, there is a splendid view from the top of stone spire known as the Eyeful Tower, and the meals at the hotel’s restaurant – The French Conniption – are fit for a king. But even though the Stream of Consciousness flows through the nearby fields, it will never be the Seine.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Dylan Brine, The Pickle Maker, located at 2007 Summer Salts Drive, Hand Springs, Pun.

All Month: March is Fine Arts Month at the Caramel Center in Pun City. This year’s performances include a ragtime piano concert by Ivory Tickler (2nd), stand-up comedy by comedian Hardy Harhar (4th), an evening of prestidigitation with magician Allie Kazam (5th), a concert by Bertha DeBlooz (6th), jazz stylings by the Caspar Jammers Jazz Band (11th), a performance by the Japanese dance troupe Ballet Hai (18th), show tunes from Sam and Janet Evening (19th), the Pranzeran Dancers (20th), The Grandol Opera (23rd), a Hip-Hop concert by Bum Rap (25th), hard rock from the Roxanne Boulders Band (26th),and the Pun National Symphony, featuring guest conductor Phil Harmonic (28th). The city of MacTruck’s Citizens’ Band always concludes the month-long festivities by playing Handel (31st). Handel usually loses.

Elsewhere this month:

March 1-4:The Pun Industrial Trade Show (PITS) is held this week in Artich Oaks. Situated at the north end of Safen Sound at the junction of Jimmida Creek, the Alimentary Canal, and three railroads, Artich Oaks became an important trading and manufacturing center. The bustling city boasts corporate headquarters and manufacturing plants for such diverse industries as plumbing (Pharoah Faucets), ceramics (Repp Tile), furriers (Fursthings Furs), tobacco (C. Garbutt Company and C.U. Inhale), distilling (Boot Liquors and Spirits of St.Louis). publishing (Saracen-Rowe Books), computer software (Over Byte and Silicon-Carney), and textiles (Storyteller Yarns). You can see displays and product samples from these and other Pun companies and pick up brochures as well. If you’re looking for a different place to spend a day, it’s the PITS.

March 21: Crowds gather each year on this day to watch the Changing of the Garb ceremony at the Royal Palace in Pun City, when the Royal Militia changes from its winter uniforms into its summer dress right in front of everybody.

March 27: Odie Doodah Day is celebrated on the shores of Betonda Bay in north Pun. Discovered in the late 1500’s by English explorers Bob Talnag and Odie Doodah, Betonda Bay’s natural harbor served as a refuge from the turbulent waters of Kissov Depth. The bay’s first colony, Camptown, later became the town of Doodah. The village celebtrates its founding each year on this date. Principal events are a horse race and wine-tasting festival. The Chamber of Commerce promises sufficient “wine to run all night and wine to run all day.”

All Month: All month long, Lugosi’s restaurant in the city of Enoses Place will celebrate its 75th anniversary with discounted prices on all its meals. Lugosi’s is Old World cuisine so good you’ll want to wolf it down. Visit the The Belfry Bar and get into the spirit of things right off the bat. Four types of Bloody Marys are available. The menu has a wide variety of of items but, inexplicably, no steaks. Open sunset to sunrise.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Criminal Attorney, Gil T. Verdick. Boasting 10 years experience before the bar and 20 years behind them, Verdick claims to know the judicial and legal systems inside and out. Contact Verdick at #436786, Block D, Ball Point Penitentiary, Punta De Ball, Pun.

February 2: It’s Garrand Aug Day in Pun, named for a French-born Punster who lives in Boogen Villa. Each February 2, Mssr. Aug walks down onto the foggy shore of Safen Sound and looks back toward his home. Legend states that if he can see his chateau, Pun’s winter will continue another six weeks. Large crowds and media representatives gather every year to learn of his prediction and the children have even made up a rhyme about it. “Mssr. Aug, into the fog/He walks on down and enters/Turns and, oh! sees his chateau/Six more weeks of winter.”

February 6-7: The cannibal tribes of Buttin’s Key host the Beauty and the Feast pageant this weekend, when the pageant’s beauties are ceremoniously wined and dined on. If you get there late, don’t be surprised if everybody’s eaten.

February 8-14:February 12-14: The annual Widow’s Peak Ski Festival takes place this weekend at (where else?) Widow’s Peak in central Pun. Also known as Haff Bald, this mountain offers some of the best skiing on the island. Downhill runs range from the comfortable and conservative (Horsencair Ridge and Jahn Glen) to the downright dangerous (Fool’s Rush, Balder Dash, and Ski Daddle).

February 21:The Pun United Television Reviewers’ Index of Decency (P.U.T.R.I.D.) Awards are presented annually in February from the Carney and Garfunkle Center For the Performing Arts to honor Pun television programs that the reviewers feel exemplify high standards of writing and production. Nominated for Best Program this year are:
Morgue and Mindy: An extraterrestrial is befriended by a young girl and lands a job at a medical examiner’s office. PUTRID Award episode nominee: The M.E.’s office faces layoffs in “Cutting Coroners.”
Wide, Wide Waist: The tales of 400 pound frontier agent Kilton Udderhors. PUTRID Award episode nominee: Udderhors intervenes in the Slewfoot Sioux tribe’s plans to stage a hunger strike unless their lands are returned to them in “It Is a Good Day to Diet.”
Mr. Id: The adventures of a talking horse who’s a horse with no remorse. PUTRID Award episode nominee: In “Sex Drive,” Mr Id is caught trying to enter a neighbor’s Pinto.