This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Nytakes Pawn.  Pawnshop owner, Chick Mait, says, “Nytakes Pawn is the place where you’ll never get rooked.”  Located at 2D Bishop’s Row (near Castle-Queen Side Hotel), Pun City, Pun.

After a rather brutal winter, Spring again has returned to Pun, characterized by temperate weather across most of the island and seasonal precipitation in the form of the Claude Rains. Early in the month, however, a low pressure area will be stalled over the southeast and consequently many inhabitants of this area will be feeling under the weather.

April 1: Young and old alike look forward to the annual re-opening of Shadowlands Theme Park just south of Fort Knight in central Pun. At Shadowland, you can hearken back to the days of Pun’s Dark Ages (the Age of Knights). Visitors to the this medieval village can find adventure on thrill rides such as the “Dragontrain” roller coaster, frolic on a typical village common in the “Plague Ground,” pick a crossbow and a quarrel at the “Archery Bunker,” watch simulated torture and beheadings at “Rack and Roll at the Palace,” get a bite to eat at “Serf’s Sup,”  “Fryer Tuck’s,” or “Mutton Jeff’s,” find medieval attire to fit every taste and budget at “Hides and Chic”, “Tailor Maids”, “The Mail (and Fe-Mail) Room”, and “Knights in White Satin,” compare the way of life of the affluent and downtrodden at “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famished,” learn from an expert stone-cutter how to carve grotesque stone faces at Gargoyle! with Sol Twadder, enjoy a complementary cup of tea and listen to travelers’ tales at “Cup and Chaucer,” located on Canterbury Trail, master the art of tossing and catching with Gofer the Juggler, explore spells, potions and amulets that work like a charm in the many shops along Every Witch Way, and enjoy the daily parade of costumed cast members, the “Motley Crusade.” Music is provided by a wandering band of musicians, The Minstrel Cycle, all of whom play period instruments.

April 4:April 4 is Doris Day in Pun, a national holiday honoring Doris O’Pun, a revolutionary leader during the rebellion of 1800 which opened the door to constitutional government in Pun. Check with local city tourist bureaus for information on local celebration events. The O’Pun Arms Hotel (named for Doris O’Pun) in Pun City is offering discount rates on its rooms for the week’s festivities in the capital. Built in 1875, the O’Pun Arms is one of Pun’s oldest and grandest hotels, hospitable and inviting.

April 9-15: This week on the Bikini Islands finds the Bum’s Rush Festival in full swing. The highlights are the Keister Parade held on the 9th and an Irish-themed semi-nude beauty contest, the Erin-Go-Bragh-less Pageant, on the 14th.

April 17-23: This week the town of Coopdyville hosts the Punderground Festival but, as usual, we advise that you skip this event. Back in the 1920’s, the street level around the old courthouse in the downtown area was raised. The stores on two adjoining streets, Investigation Alley and Contempt Avenue, were buried underground. In the 1980’s, these underground shops were re-opened by entrepreneurs and the Punderground was born. It was designed to be home to trendy shops, restaurants and taverns but now sports a notorious reputation for high prices and outright fraud. Many of the shops are under Investigation and most of the rest are beneath Contempt. In addition, part of the city’s old waste disposal system has been turned into a water park called Sewerslide. If you choose to attend, you’ll find the most reputable shops to be Peter’s Cellars (a wine shop), Subs Terranean (featuring health-food sandwiches based mainly on locally grown mushrooms), Buried Treasures (antiques), Down Under (Australian goose-feather pillows and comforters), Deep Doodoo (organic fertilizers based mainly on locally grown mushrooms), the Doughnut Hole (pastries), Rock Bottom (geodes, gems and Depression-Era glass), Pit Stop (deodorants), and The Under Warehouse (lingerie).

All Month: To celebrate it’s 54rd anniversary, The Game Room restaurant in Electri City is offering discounts on its meals. Sublime tastes will compete for your attention over checkered tablecloths as you sample the wonderful cuisine of The Game Room. Try the Chicken Croquet, Rubix Cube Steak, a salmon dish such as Parr-Cheesy, or an exotic Pool Shark filet as an entree. The summer squash and Monterrey Jacks are also delicious and don’t miss the Dice Rolls, Guitar Heros, or the  marble cakes and chess pie for dessert. After dinner, relax with a bit of gin or Hop’s Scotch and you’ve got the makings of a winning evening.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by A Cut Above Tree Surgeons.  Owner and Crew Chief, Cotter Down, says, “Our bite is worse than your bark.”  Located at 223 Wendy Baugh Braxe Rd., Fort Etrees, Pun.

All Month: March is Fine Arts Month at the Karramel Center in Pun City. This year’s performances include a concert by the Cannibals, a stomach-acid rock band (1st), a ragtime piano concert by Ivory Tickler (2nd), show tunes from Sam and Janet Evening (3rd), electronic music stylings by Techno Prisoners (4th), a production of the classic play, Breath of a Salesman, starring veteran actor Hal E. Tosis (5th), hard rock from The Roxanne Boulders Band  (6th), the Pranzeran Dancers (7th), a demonstration of primitive tribal music by Logorhythms (8th), Cuban Conga Rhythms by Baba Lou (9th), an evening of quiet hilarity with mimes Kent Tawknow and Ameena Boxx (10th), jazz stylings by the Caspar Jammers Jazz Band (11th), stand-up comedy by comics Hardy Harhar and Shirley Yujest (12th), a poetry recital by Pun Poet Laureate Wordsworth Reeding (14th), Hip-Hop concert by Bum Rap (15th), a Caribbean music celebration by Greg Gay and Cal Ipso (18th),  Southern crooner Bubba Baboo (19th), a concert by Spanish song-stylist Bessie Mae Mucho (21st),  a  concert by heavy medal band Iron Cross (22nd),  the “Black and Blues” national tour by the Bruise Brothers (24th), a concert by a Country/Western trio (Shelby Cumming, Rhonda Mountain, Gwen Sheekums) (25th), an evening of connections between attendees and deceased loved ones via celebrated medium Dave Pastawn (26th), the Pun National Symphony, featuring conductor Phil Harmonic (27th), a concert by singer Bertha DeBlooz (28th), an evening of prestidigitation with magician Allie Kazam (29th), and a performance by the South Pacific dance troupe Ballet Hai (30th).  The city of MacTruck’s Citizens’ Band always concludes the month-long festivities by playing Handel (31st). Handel usually loses.

Elsewhere this month:

March 6-March 12:The Pun Industrial Trade Show (PITS) is held this week in Artich Oaks. Situated at the north end of Safen Sound at the junction of Jimmida Creek, the Alimentary Canal, and three railroads, Artich Oaks became an important trading and manufacturing center. The bustling city boasts corporate headquarters and manufacturing plants for such diverse industries as plumbing (Pharoah Faucets, Bryer Pipes), ceramics (Repp Tile and Thick Casa Brick), food processing (Sean Cannery, Herb Farmer Organic Foods, and Macon-Enz Meat), interior design (Micky Mantels, Carpet Diem, Guyger Counters, and Lou’s Stools), furriers (Fursthings Furs), paints (Howard Hues, Pigments of Imagination), tobacco (C. Garbutt Company and C.U. Inhale), distilling (Boot Liquors and Spirits of St.Louis). security systems (Sure-Lock Homes), utility sheds (Gimmee Shelter), publishing (Juan Ferdy Books and Imm Printing), computer software (Over Byte and Silicon-Carney), textiles (Storyteller Yarns, Knights and Wight Satin, DeLando Cotton, Vladmir Linen, National Velvet, and Al Packa Wool), optical equipment and lenses (Folsom Prisms and Saury Spectacles), electrical components (Ringaling Bros. Circuits, Heavenleek Wires, Hickory Switches, Ellendy Generators), and graphic arts (The Artist (formerly known as Prints)). You can see displays and product samples from these and other Pun companies and pick up brochures as well. If you’re looking for a different place to spend a day, it’s the PITS.

March 21: Crowds gather each year on this day to watch the Changing of the Garb ceremony at the Royal Palace in Pun City, when the Royal Militia changes from its winter uniforms into its summer dress right in front of everybody.

March 27: Odie Doodah Day is celebrated on the shores of Betonda Bay in north Pun. Discovered in the late 1500’s by English explorers Bob Talnag and Odie Doodah, Betonda Bay’s natural harbor served as a refuge from the turbulent waters of Kissov Depth. The bay’s first colony, Camptown, later became the town of Doodah. The village celebrates its founding each year on this date. Principal events are a horse race and wine-tasting festival. The Chamber of Commerce promises sufficient “wine to run all night and wine to run all day.”

All Month: The Sevend Wharves, located on Honorondo Bay in Pun City is celebrating its 30th anniversary this month with special sales at all its shops. Wharves manager Prince Charmine says of this bay-front reclamation project’s anniversary, “This one time sleepy dock area is now alive with shops and boutiques, so dopey bashful about visiting. And leave your grumpy disposition behind because being happy at the Sevend Wharves isn’t a difficult task. Sneezy one.”

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Hogs and Quiches restaurant in Back Bend, Pun.  Owner Hope Takissa Bigg says, “We offer an unusual combination of culinary specialties.  Our BBQ pork and quiche dishes are expertly and affectionately prepared.”

February 2: It’s Garrand Aug Day in Pun, named for a French-born Punster who lives in Boogen Villa. Each February 2, Mssr. Aug walks down onto the foggy shore of Safen Sound and looks back toward his home. Legend states that if he can see his chateau, Pun’s winter will continue another six weeks. Large crowds and media representatives gather every year to learn of his prediction and the children have even made up a rhyme about it. “Mssr. Aug, into the fog/He walks on down and enters/Turns and, oh! sees his chateau/Six more weeks of winter.”

February 4-5: The cannibal tribes of Buttin’s Key host the Beauty and the Feast pageant this weekend, when the pageant’s beauties are ceremoniously wined and dined on. If you get there late, don’t be surprised if everybody’s eaten.

February 6-12: The Railroad Days Festival is celebrated at Pun-Sylvania Station in Pun City. The story of Pun-Sylvania station is largely the story of one man, one of Pun’s greatest successes, railroad tycoon Chevalle D. Coal. The son of a shipping magnate, Cole found himself attracted to the steel rails even as a young boy when he accompanied his father on extensive business trips across Pun. While his father conducted business, Cole would station himself at the local rail depot, learning all he could from the employees about life on the railroads. At age 18, Cole got a job as an assistant clerk for the Maccabee Line in eastern Pun. Here he found that his early observations served him well. He rose quickly through the administrative ranks. By age 21, he was a Junior Vice-President with the company and had saved enough for a small down payment on a rail line of his own, the Wiss Spur. Even at this point in his young career, Cole’s ambitions and goals were clear. He saw Pun as a land of unlimited potential. “Pun is a wonderland,” he once stated. “And in a wonderland, even a cabbage can be King. That’s Cole’s Law.”
Cole set out to be the King of Pun’s rail lines. He believed he would be an old man before he achieved his goal. But starting with just one short line, he bought up other small, failing railroads and turned them into money-makers. Soon the other rail tycoons were reading the writing on the wall. Within ten short years, Cole had built magnificent Pun-Sylvania Station as his corporate headquarters in Pun City. He had gained control of every rail line in Pun – a veritable monopoly.
Even though he was a millionaire, Old King Cole (as he was affectionately known to Punsters) was a decent, benevolent man. He was especially loved by his employees. Cole engineers, conductors, firemen and brakemen considered it an honor to work for him. Even Cole porters sang his praises.
Today, Pun-Sylvania Station stands as a glass and steel testament to Cole’s vision and determination. The Railroad Days Festival is held in collaboration with the railroad museum located just off the main hall. Nineteenth century railroad cars and vintage locomotives and Cole memorabilia will be on display and there are games and rides for the kids, with free ice cream from the Toot-Sweet Creamery.

February 18-19: The annual Widow’s Peak Ski Festival takes place this weekend at (where else?) Widow’s Peak in central Pun. Also known as Haff Bald, this mountain offers some of the best skiing on the island. Downhill runs range from the comfortable and conservative (Horsencair Ridge, Snow Big Deal, and Jahn Glen) to the downright dangerous (Fool’s Rush, Balder Dash, and Ski Daddle).

All Month:  The most famous restaurant on Santa Lucia (the Isle of Lucy) is Ig-Lou’s and it is offering discounted prices all through February.  Owned and operated by Iggy Ricardo and Lou Sealball, this converted ice house has a long history of fine food and unique atmosphere.  During the 1920’s, the cool, dark, recessed booths became a mecca for lovers and Ig-Lou’s soon became famous for its secret rendezvous and not so secret confrontations by angry wives who caught their husbands locked in frozen embraces with other women.  The phrase, “Who was that woman I thawed you with?” originated here.  The menu’s headline item is chili.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Jabber Walks, the “Walking/Talking Tour of Pun City.  Located at 123 Yammeralda Way, Pun City Pun.

January 6-8:Get away from the cold winter of north Pun by taking in the Fedder Rallies, Baja-style road races held this Friday through Sunday just outside the south Pun town of San Inyorchoos, also known as Sunburnadino. The rallies are held on the salt beds of what used to be a large body of water, Lake O’Lamb, that once existed north of the city. At one time, its shore was home to the Dalai Parton, titular head and chief prophet of a mystical religious cult who arrived from Back Bend as part of a prophet-sharing plan.. The Dalai Parton’s followers proclaimed him a messiah and believed he could perform miracles and walk on water. He never got the chance to prove the latter, however, because Lake O’Lamb dried up, leaving the prophet without a lake to stand on. If desert excursions are your cup of tea, take the opportunity while you’re attending the rallies, to rent a camel from The Camelot (home of the Knights of the Round Stable) and explore on your own.

January 7-8: The town of New Monia celebrates its founding this weekend with exhibits and a parade. Located on Pun’s eastern coast, the town’s name was originally spelled Numonia in honor of its founder, 15th century Portuguese explorer Joaquin Numonia. Numonia’s flagship, the Plura Sea, is on display in the city’s maritime museum in the Colla Dock area. A sled dog race along the waterfront, the Sea Spot Run, is also scheduled. If you’re looking for a good place to eat while in New Monia, try Casa Blanca. This fine restaurant is owned and operated by Sam Blanca, who has perfected the preparation of seafood to a fine art. Filet it again, Sam.

January 14-15: The Tchaikov Ski Lodge in central Pun is the site for this weekend’s Eiffel Downhill Ski Championship. Ski industry manufacturers from all over the island will be on hand promoting their products and hoping for endorsements from the top skiers who will be in attendance, such as Al Pine, Cher Lift, Freese Tile, Arty Fishell Snow, Kay Belkar, Telly Yuride, Bunny Slope, Ava Lanch, Sugar Lofe, Moe Gull, Ariel Mann Uber and even rappers-turned-skiers T-Barr and Ice Sax.

This weekend also finds the waters of Dire Straits the site of the “Regatta Get Out of This Place” sailboat races. Boat entries this year include O’Pun Sea, Hang on Sloop, Loco Mocean, Tom Cruiser, Ruby Yacht, Wind in the Billows, Aquaholic, Blew Bayou, Second Wind, All For Knot, Seaweed Dreams, Salt Water Toughie, Wave Goodbye, Knott Enough, Midlife Cry Seas, Hull in High Water, Up For Sail, Mizzen in Action, and last year’s winner and runner-up, Sea Yawl and Just Mist.

All Month: Celebrating the 88th anniversary of its opening in 1935, Home Plate restaurant in Mimiatda Station in central Pun has specials going on all month long. Located in the same town as the Pun Baseball Hall of Fame, the restaurant was established by Pun baseball legend Bubba Leenhot. Home Plate offers good food at prices that won’t make you balk. Try the Batter Up Pancakes for breakfast or the Fielder’s Choice Buffet for lunch. For supper, there are any number of succulent dishes such as Baltimore Chops, Bunted Fowl or Granny’s Lamb, garnished with National or American Leeks. There’s a seafood special (Basket Catch), a meatless dish (Goose Eggs), special dinners for two (Double Headers) and assorted pickles, jams and Cracker Jack cheese. Kids can order off the Minor League menu (featuring Hot Dogs, Pop Fries, Strained Ham Strings, Canna Corn and Fowl Tips, among others) but all adult meals are served with Home Plate’s own home-brewed lager, Root, Root, Root Beer.  And for dessert, try the Wild Peaches. A sure hit.  Also, on weekends this month, Pun Baseball Hall of Famers  Babe DeBluox, Dutch Ubben, Casey Deeya, Homer Unn, Bach Score, Whitey Longface, Red Ruffinsaur, and Pee Wee Udd will be appearing at the restaurant, signing autographs.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by The Talon Show.  This nail salon, run by proprietor Klaus Sharpener, is located at 123 Manny Curanf Isle, Pun City, Pun.

December 3-4: The D’Jubilee ‘n’ Magic festival is held this weekend in Pun City. A kind of Renaissance Music Fair, the festival showcases the music of Johann Sebastian, who originated a new musical style when he baroque his harpsichord. His most noteworthy composition, the magical “Opus Pocus” is usually a festival high point. If you are looking for a good restaurant while attending the festival, take the thyme to eat at Lost In Spice, run by Australians, Rosemary and Basil Peppercorn. The menu is overflowing with Basil’s original recipes, which led one restaurant reviewer to say of this knowledgeable chef, “This old sage is an excellent cook. I’ve never cinnamon with so much talent. It does nutmeg any difference which dish you order; alum are superb! You won’t bay leaf the quality.” One taste and you’ll know what he mint. Cumin get it.

December 6-10: The Christmas season rolls in this week and all eyes turn to DeKingand I, a heavily forested island south of pun. It is from this island that Pun’s yule trees are harvested. All this week, people clog Pun’s seaports to catch sight of the Yule Bringer, the ship that ferries the special cargo to the mainland. Check local listings for details on delivery dates and times.

All month: There are, of course, many seasonal events across the island this month. Many people head for eastern Pun and the Mary Carr Isthmus, which throughout the year offers a little something for everyone. It features a fairly large town, marshlands, a quiet harbor, mountains, and an offshore deep sea fishing area which are, respectively, Fort Collinburg, Three French Fen, Two Turtle Cove, Anna Peart Ridge, Anna Peart Reef, plus a spectacular view of the gulf from Lordsa Leap. All through December, there is a special yuletide festival in Fort Collinburg sponsored by clothing manufacturer Donna Gay Apparel, whose corporate headquarters are in the city. And for those who like local legends, actors re-create the activities associated with “The Ghost of Isthmus Pass,” who is said to haunt the area’s main highway at the bridge over Bah Canal. While in the area, be sure to take in the free tour of one of the island’s largest distilleries, Isthmus Spirits.

December 17: The regular college football season is over but all of Pun is flush with excitement as the championship game is held this day. It’s No. 1 (Yurren) meeting Number 2 (Dudoo) in the Tydee Bowl in Pun City. At game time, most people who aren’t actually there are watching on TV and sewer we.

December 31: Along with people around the world, Punsters will be ringing in the new year at midnight. The traditional song sung at the moment the clock strikes twelve celebrates the story of Doodle Lang, an old mountain bootlegger who would stand on the top of his house and, at midnight, toss jugs of his ‘mountain dew” moonshine to the revelers who had gathered below. Lang would post a large sign in nearby villages, inviting people to his house for the celebration. The “Dew Drop” has become a tradition celebrated across the island, albeit now with trinkets and candies instead of liquor. The familiar lyrics of the song begin, “There is a man who’s name is Lang and he has a great big sign/ And Mr. Lang is very old, so they call it Old Lang’s Sign.”

Happy holidays, everybody.

This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by The Opera House restaurant.  Owner/Operator Carmen Geddit says, “We feature a sophisticated selection of fine foods and are best known for our rich desserts, most notably Madame’s Butter Fries and Cosi Fan Tutti-Frutti.  We’re located just north of Figaro, overlooking the Harbor of Seville.”

November 5-6: There are many fall festivals all across Pun and on this weekend the seaport city of Smorgasburg on the shore of Betonda Bay holds its Flounders Day celebration. The highlight is a fishing tournament held just for the halibut. The city also has many attractions that reflect its rich seafaring history. For over two hundred years, ships have been guided into Betonda Bay by Miller Light, which was built in 1782 and immortalized in the 1897 novel, Miller Light by Tess Grate and Les Philling. Tours of the lighthouse are available and visitors can learn the amount of work involved in lighthouse keeping. Just a short walk from the lighthouse is the Smorgasburg Maritime Museum. Here, visitors can view displays of representative sea vessels from throughout Pun’s history. Prominently exhibited are the ketch Yurbreath, the junk Yard Dog, the rum-running proa Bitchin’, the launch Ainy, the barge Rye Tin, the yacht Sea Roller, the brig Adoon, the dhow Jones, the schooner Orlater, the ferry Godmother and, for this weekend only, the submarine Sand Witch. Shoppers will enjoy Dock Holiday, a row of former warehouses on the bay front that have been converted into specialty shops. You can find antique sleepwear at Yesterday’s Snooze, garden herbs at Mother Nature and Father Thyme , men’s suits from China at Kuppensaucer’s, nautical knickknacks at Shipshapes, and Chippendale’s Furniture, featuring Maylund Dressers, just to name a few. Looking for a good place to eat while in Smorgasburg? Try Hearth and Sole and savor delicious seafood before a warm and inviting fireplace. This is north country dining at its finest. Home is where the hearth is.

November 13-19: This is Dinosaur Week at the Kolomaz Museum in Pun City. On display are fossils retrieved from the frozen wastes of the Dubbelon Tundra and from the ooze and mire of the Walter Wall Tar Pits. Some of the creatures whose bones have been pieced together apparently existed nowhere else on earth. You’ll see fossils of the Red Commisaur, Roget’s Thesaurus, the almost overlooked Nobodisaurus, the two-footed Dubbeldactyl, the early Krackadon, the foul-smelling Tyrannosaurus Reex, the revolting Iamspartacus, the clone-like Peezinapod, the tiny Bikinitop, the annoying Mythroatisaur, and the nocturnal Dusktodon. Also on display are the fossils of early mammals such as the Wooly Bully, the Tame Minotta Shrew, the Chatterb Ox (also known as the Yakkity Yak), the Shuffelofta Buffalo, and a flying pig-like creature, the Hamm Hawk.

All month: The college football season on Pun winds down but there are still important games this month:  Gulliver travels to Lilliput, Polo goes to China, Stanley meets Livingston and, in three annual battles of military academies, it’s Stand at Attention, Sergeant at Arms, and Fyre at Will.

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by Nytakes Pawn pawn shop.  Manager Chick Mait says, “At Nytakes Pawn, we’ll treat you like a king and you’ll never get rooked.”  Located at 2D Bishop’s Row (near the Castle Queen-Side Hotel) in Pun City, Pun.

October 1-2: Ore Chasm in central Pun hosts the Flourish of Strumpets festival. Ore Chasm was a productive gold mining area in the late 1800’s and there are still many places in Ore Chasm where people still scratch and claw nuggets out of the once ore-rich rock. The festival celebrates the area’s history and features a hoedown on the floor of the ballroom of the homestead of Lady Moneydown, wife of Lord Halfmercy.

October 4-: Pun’s Baseball Championship Series gets underway with the Robins Sun-Cruisers under manager Mann Friday, take on last year’s champions, the Pun Slingers, managed by Theophilus Punoval.

October 10: October 10 is Independence Day on Pun. In 1791, the death of the Great Pun King, Charlebrown, resulted in a political vacuum because he left no heir. This led to a titanic struggle among Pun’s nobility for control of the ship of state. Eventually, through four years of back-stabbing, arm-twisting and throat-cutting, Lord Elordi of St Spreservus succeeded in dismembering the body politic and emerged as the head of a new political force that he ruled with an iron hand. He was crowned the new monarch in 1795.  Elordi’s rise to power was so steeped in treachery that it is no wonder that his government soon found itself in hot water. His oppressive laws and taxes brought tensions to a boiling point and in 1800, Pun exploded in open rebellion.  Elordi was backed by the aristocracy while the rebel front was made up of lesser nobility and the common people. Elordi viewed the commoners with disgust. “The people are revolting,” he said. “They have no reason to complain. They are a rabble without a cause.” The two sides met in a climactic battle in the streets of Pun City in 1802. The rebels stormed Bustov Palace (the royal residence) and captured the king. In exchange for his life, Elordi was forced to sign the Countov Manifesto, which established a constitutional monarchy and provided for an elected parliament as the legislative branch of government. This was great victory for the common people who, for the first time, were to have a voice in their country’s future. The day is commemorated across the island by fireworks displays and parades. Before the parade in Pun City, catch the Ouida Peeple Pre-Amble (named for a revolutionary martyr) through the streets of the city. This year’s Grand Marshall for the Pun City parade is the Director of the Pun National Literacy Campaign, Reid Distoomy.

October 15-16: The artist’s colony of Sound Retreat on Veronica Lake in central Pun is host to an art sale and wine tasting during the Arts and Carafe festival this weekend. Veronica Lake is is another of Pun’s beautiful lakes and offers boating, fishing, camping and water-skiing activities during summer months. The artists’ colony of Sound Retreat is on the lake’s south shore. It’s guest list reads like a Who’s Who of Pun’s artistic heritage. Over the years, the colony has been temporary home to the poets Tennyson Ewon, Almsford D. Poe, Whittier Want, Odette Burns, Sol Longfellow, Dee Frost, R.U. Donne, Marshall Dylan, and Wordsworth Reeding. Artists such as L.O. Dali, Herve Gaugain, E.Z. Monet, Kay Seurat-Seurat, Potters Klee and Geddup Van Gogh have also sojourned here, enjoying the peace, tranquility, and beauty of this lake settlement.

All month: College football continues across the island. In games of interest this month, it’s Stagg at Bay, Kummeer at Wuntz, Sofa goes up against DeWall, Eacher meets Enveggies, Ake goes head-to-head with Hunter, and Possum plays Dedd.

All month: Special reduced pricing is featured all month long at The Edible Complex in Fort Issimo.  The Edible Comples is not one but several restaurants grouped together under one roof.  Because of Fort Issimo’s history as a mining town, all these eateries, such as Grub Steaks, use a mining motif, but each with a different specialty.  Panned Out features crepes.  Mine Furor specializes in German cuisine.  Shaft’s features soul food.  There’s spicy cuisine from all over the world at Fire in the Hole.  For most people, however, the restaurant of choice is Seven Potato Ore, which undoubtedly has Pun’s finest potato bar.  All the restaurants are excellent.  Eat at The Edible Complex and you’ll swear you’ve hit the mother lode.

This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by Feever Temps Temporary Services.  Director Colin M. Dee says, “Our staff’s enthusiasm is infectious.”  Located at 103.2 Farron Height, New Monia, Pun

As autumn begins on the islands of Pun and the Free Associations, the weather begins to turn foul. High winds, known as the Fish Gales, blow across the region, producing a wholly mackerel sky. High level storm clouds, comprised of whirled cirrus, bring baseball-sized hail. There is usually a two-week respite from the steadily declining temperatures late in the fall. This period of “Indian Summer” is accompanied by Apache Fog.

September 3: College football kicks off in the Tydee Bowl in Pun City as Wotsamadda U. hosts its cross-town rival Joe College.  In other games of interest, Luna Tech is at Large, Gulliver travels to Lilliput, Mark O’Polo travels to Chyna, Byer meets Cellar, Awl comes to Knott, and Hugh Manatee goes to Helena Handbasket.

September 3-4: The Common Coal Festival is held in the Gesund Heights in Central Pun. The festival consists of displays of mountain arts and crafts, many of which are made with the wood of trees indigenous to the area such as the Aw-Aw Cashew. Also on display are coal industry exhibits which attempt to demonstrate that the importance of coal to the economy is nothing to sneeze at.

September 4-10:  The first full week in September is designated as “Gnu’s Week” on Pun, which is celebrated annually to honor Pun’s national symbols, Goode Gnus. See local sources for celebration details for each community.  It doesn’t matter if you’ve attended past years’ celebrations and think you’ve seen it all.  Each year, there is always something Gnu.

September 11-17: Santa Lucia, on Pun’s west coast, is host to the Maiden Fair, which runs through the entire week. The highlight of this Renaissance-style fair is the “Joust Between Friends,” which gives fair-goers a pointed reminder of what Pun life was like during the island’s feudal period.

September 17-September 25: The “Pirate Days Festival” is held in the southern Pun City of Seville to commemorate the city’s history as a pirate base in the late 1700’s. The pirate influence on Seville remains evident even today. The homes of pirates Long John Undaweir and Cap’n Gown still stand and are open for tours during the festival. At Booty Rest, a local cemetery where pirates were said to have buried some of their treasures, lie the remains of James Teach, alleged cousin of Edward Teach, who was known as Blackbeard. James Teach was known as Blackboard and also Jungle Jim. The festival is held near the Old Harbor Market, which is preserved as it was in its heyday when plunder from pirate raids – foods, wines, cloth, and jewels – was sold openly at exorbitant prices. Pirate corn, for example, was a buck an ear. Looking for a place to stay while in Seville for the festival? Try the Poopdeck Hotel. Many of the inns and hotels in Seville have adopted a nautical motif, reflective of the city’s history as a pirate base. The Poopdeck does it up big. The tip-hungry bellhops are all dressed in sailor suits (wolves in ship’s clothing), the restrooms off the lobby are labelled “Buoys” and “Gulls,” and each guest’s room features a live parrot on a stand, which probably explains the hotel’s name. Even local floozies parade through the lobby dressed as pirates (Yo-Ho-‘Ho’s), which in turn, explains why the hotel was originally known as the Admiral Bimbo Inn. Just across the street from the Poopdeck is The Pirate’s Blade, a restaurant where tasty food and good service provide an edge over the local competition. The house specialties are the swordfish and veal cutlass.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by the Isle of View Trolley Co.  Company President Ira Lee Meenit, says “Isle of View Trolley is the sweetest line you’ll ever use.”  Company headquarters are at 446 Sunday Drive, Pun City, Pun.

August 1-31: For the entire month of August, the Dog Days celebration takes place in Baskerville in northwestern Pun. Baskerville is widely known as the dog-breeding capital of the island. Many breeds of dogs, found only on Pun, originated here, including the the Watsop Dachshund, Allyn Shepherd, the Finger Pointer, the Jonathon Livingstone Beagle, the Knitten Afghan, the Angela Basset, the Kathy Griffon,  the Penny Pinscher, the Skye Lab, the Bull Shih Tzu, the Habla Spaniel, the Melon Collie, the Punch-Drunk Boxer, the Skool-Kaffa Terrier, the Joe Cocker Spaniel, the Harmonna Cur, and the Jimmy Crack Cairn. Many activities are planned and include free trips across the Bay of DeHounds on the Hounds Tooth Ferry. The festivities conclude on the 31st with the National Dog Show finals and the naming of the Best Dog in Show. Last year, the winner was Spock, a Beemiup Scottie.  Another highlight of the show is the customary singing of the puppy judges’ song, “I’m Going to Sit Right Down and Rate Myself a Litter.”

August 6-7: Nachos Island, off Pun’s southern coast, hosts the Chili con Carnival, with its chili cooking competition. Seven years ago, a new category – Hot and Sole – was added to introduce fish chili to the competition and was a big success. Three years ago, ingredients such as soy, quinoa, and kale were introduced in a category called “Go To Health.” Two years ago, a new category featuring liver and tripe was tested under the category name, “Blood and Guts,” but it has not been continued because it turned out to be offal.  Instead, last year a spicy chicken chili category was introduced called “Pullet Surprise.”  This year, rattlesnake meat is the surprise ingredient in a new category, “Bite Back Chili.”  Commemorative T-shirts of the cook-off are available and feature the carnival slogan, “Bean There – Downed That.”

August 13-14: Courtens Park in Pun City is the site of this year’s National Kiss-Off, where couples kiss and try to be the last one off the buss. Once again, the competition’s festivities include romantic poetry recitations by Pun’s Poet Laureate Wordsworth Reeding, romantic ballads sung by The Tulips, and love songs sung by Spanish songstress Bessie Mae Mucho.

All month: All this month, Bea’s Wax Museum is cutting admission prices in celebration of its 55nd anniversary. Madame Toussaud can’t hold a candle to Bea Keeper, who has a wicked way with wax. Her creations represent all walks of life from the well-heeled to the pedestrian. Visitors can meet hundreds of notables from Pun history such as railroad tycoon Chevalle D. Cole, Lord I.C. Liverspots (The Earl of Olay), songstress Carrie Oakie, race car driver Mario Speedwagon, mystery writer Penny Dreadful, western writer, Hal Bentford Leather, champion wrestler Matt Burns, Italian-born general Vinnie Vidivici, and revolutionary martyrs Ouida Peeple and Doris O’Pun. In the Chamber of Horrors are represented the infamous such as highwaymen Avery Juan Reech and Stan “Dandy” Liver, arsonist Bern M. Down, cereal killer Curt Eldmilk, and the criminal duo of Phil O’Nee and Misty Meaner.

All month:  Darwin’s Garage in Pun City is celebrating the 25th anniversary of it’s rebuilding in 1997.  All punsters know the story of this famous landmark where noted anthropologist Eve O’Lucien teamed up with military industrialist Darwin Savoir on an experiment involving rhesus monkeys.  Theorizing that monkeys could be trained to do mechanical tasks, the two placed one in Darwin’s Garage and put it to work on military vehicles.  It immediately invented the monkey wrench.  Soon after, garage owners throughout pun were clamoring to Darwin for grease monkeys of their own.  “Simian ape, quick!” they’d plead.  The experiment proved to be an unqualified success until one of Darwin’s team tried to teach the monkeys to weld. One monkey got too near a gas pump and the resulting explosion destroyed the garage and littered the area with rhesus pieces.  There are discounts all month for vehicle service and repairs  plus the grand opening of the Monkeyshines Carwash.

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by The Dropped Leaf.  “We specialize in distressed furniture,” says owner Tooka Hammertoit.  “We have Ruptured Desks, Dented Canopies, Loose Stools, Game-Legged Card Tables, and much more.”  The Dropped Leaf is located at the corner of Olde and Wirthless, on The Battery, in Point spread, Pun.

July 4-9: A surfing competition and subsequent crowning of the “Chairman of the Board” are part of the DeGraydis Capers week at (where else?) DeGraydis Cape on Pun’s southern coast. Please note that although the surfing competition is still scheduled, the event is subject to postponement if there are reports of sharks in the area. Periodic sightings of Lone, Card, and Poole Sharks have had festival organizers worried. A few years ago, a surfer lost a toe to a shark and had to drop out of the Hang Ten competition.  Surfers are keen to compete but no one wants their attempt to be crowned champion to cost them an arm and a leg.

July 9: Northern Pun’s city of Smorgasburg hosts its annual Rat Race (also known as the C. Howdy Run), a 10-K event held each July along the shoreline of Betonda Bay. Last year’s winners were Mary Thon and Myles Tugo.  If you like to get your exercise on the dance floor, you might try Smorgasburg’s Swedish Meet Ball, held in conjunction with the Rat Race. This marathon dance is held in the ballroom of the Swede Dreams Hotel. While in Smorgasburg, we recommend dining at The Shipyard. This converted dockside warehouse, formerly known as the Barge Inn, is owned by Abel Seaman, a former whaler captain and current president of the Pun Sperm Bank. The Shipyard’s menu includes subs, steamers of clams, and a ketch of the day, all of which can be washed down with a schooner of ale. Seaman says, “Yawl come out for launch and eat a yacht.”

July 14-17: The local mental health clinics of Grape Harbor benefit from the proceeds of a wine-tasting celebration during the Days of Wine and Neuroses festival kicking off on the 14th and running through the weekend. Grape Harbor and the Rio McCoy valley to the northeast comprise Pun’s wine country. Vineyards are everywhere and produce wines for every taste. A partial listing of those available at the wine tasting include Bridgette Bordeaux – a light French-style wine that ages beautifully; Hello Madeira – a good introductory wine, light, pleasant, complimentary, promising better things; Wotz-Rongwitt Medoc – A curious wine, hard to define, tasting expensive but leaving a question on the palate; Garland-Avery Port – a low-class wine for the non-discriminating wine drinker; Madam Moselle – an exciting but underage wine that makes up in vitality what it lacks in depth and maturity; Mell Blanc, which expresses multiple characters, each different from the others, and Ringsov Sauterne – one of Pun’s most potent wines – one or two glasses will knock you flat on Uranus.

July 18-24:  The Home Owners, Renovators and Retailers Interior Design (H.O.R.R.I.D) Show has its third annual display this week in Pun City.  Companies displaying their home decorating and renovation products include Mickey Mantels, Tode Stools, Budd Lights, Matta Doors, Seek Lamps, Lila Carr Rug, Mike Rosoff Windows, La Brea Carpets, Horr’s Tables, Sauer Drapes, Repp Tiles, Howard Hues Paints, Geiger Counters, Bretha Fress Chairs, Harry Pottery, and Pharaoh Faucets.

July 25-30: The Pun National SETI Conference opens in St. Spreservus in southern Pun and is open to the public. SETI stands for Search for Evidential Traces of Ignoramia. The conference offers lectures and exhibits about this curious island. Don’t bother looking for Ignoramia on any recent maps of Pun and the Free Association Islands; it isn’t there. Ignoramia is is a legendary lost island, said to have sunk into Luna Sea under the weight of its own ineptitude.
Little is known about the land. Its form of government appears to have been an idiocracy – government by the stupid. Its Parliament, known as Fools’ Circle, was made up of 1000 Ignoramuses who met on the Asinine Heights mountain top of Numm’s Skull (also known as Bone Head and Addle Pate). So incompetent were its leaders that Ignoramia was also known as the Land of 1000 Dunces. Even the island’s forests were dense. The Black Forest, for example, was so dense that not even light escaped. Ignoramia had few cities. Those that did exist (Simpleton, Slow Downs, Ninny, Dolt, Oaf, Loon) were surrounded by thick walls, set at obtuse angles to one another.
There is evidence that some Ignoramuses made their way to Pun, apparently brought in by dope smugglers. No other flora and fauna are known to have survived. Animals thought to have lived on the island include the Sillee Ass, Ding Bat, and the Lumm Ox. In addition, scientists have found on small isolated atolls in the region Dodo droppings and Ninkum poop, which would indicate the these species might have been there also.
Periodically, adventurers will get it into their heads to go search for Ignoramia, but the dark, muddled waters of the sea make this an extremely dangerous undertaking. The bottom line is that only someone whose heritage can be traced back to Ignoramia would attempt such a foolhardy enterprise.  So, if you’re actively searching for Ignoramuses, you probably are one.