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This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by On and On-Anon, self-help groups for compulsive talkers, found in various locations throughout Pun.

August 1-31: For the entire month of August, the Dog Days celebration takes place in Baskerville in northwestern Pun. Baskerville is widely known as the dog-breeding capital of the island. Many breeds of dogs, found only on Pun, originated here, including the the Allyn Shepherd, the Penny Pinscher, the Finger Pointer, the Johnathon Livingstone Beagle, the Knitten Afghan, the Angela Basset, the Skool-Kaffa Terrier, the Mellon Collie, and the Jimmy Crack Cairn. Many activities are planned and include free trips across the Bay of DeHounds on the Hounds Tooth Ferry. The festivities conclude on the 31st with the National Dog Show finals and the naming of the Best Dog in Show. Last year, two time winner Perro, an Habla Spaniel, was dethroned by Spock, a Beemiup Scottie. Another highlight of the show is the customary singing of the puppy judges’ song, “I’m Going to Sit Right Down and Rate Myself a Litter.”

August 6-7: Nachos Island, off Pun’s southern coast, hosts the Chili con Carnival, with its chili cooking competition. Two years ago, a new category – Hot and Sole – was added to introduce fish chili to the competition and was a big success. Commemorative T-shirts of the cook-off are available and feature the carnival slogan, “Bean There – Downed That.”

August 13-14: Courtens Park in Pun City is the site of this year’s National Kiss-Off, where couples kiss and try to be the last one off the buss. Once again, the competition’s festivities include romantic poetry recitations by Pun’s Poet Laureate Wordsworth Reading, and love songs sung by Spanish songstress Bessie Mae Mucho.

This Month’s Special Report: The Isle of Nachos: “It was a dark and stormy knight that approached Queen Faraday’s castle on the Isle of Nachos on that bleak November day.” So begins Mort DeArthur’s account of Queen Faraday’s legendary city of Buenos Nachos and the Court of Good Knights. The gallant knights traversed the islands, performing acts of derring-do (and what men of daring don’t?). Sir Jeckyl Steele, for example, used his blade to carve quite a name for himself by cutting many an evil foe down to size. Sir Lee Muldowny, on the other hand, was a dragon specialist. Sir Ron D’Pitty was always finding himself in unexpected adventures.
The knight mentioned in DeArthur’s opening above is, of course, Nomoon, the Black Knight. His arranged marriage to Queen Faraday, his repeated unfaithfulness, and her revenge through the bloody Seven-Year-Itch War are all parts of the legend that even Pun’s grade school children know. For the past ten years, however, DeArthur has been researching the Buenos Nachos myth, has pored over ancient manuscripts, and has even walked the areas of Ruffles Ridge where the legendary city is said to have stood. The result is DeArthur’s new book A Little Myth Understanding, in which he reveals newly discovered pieces of the legend.
For example, the Court of Good Knights had a resident magician, Merlin the Haggard, who was said to have risen from his tomb in the small village of Abra and is therefore sometimes referred to as the Abra Cadaver. Merlin was wrongfully accused of putting a curse on Nomoon which led to Nomoon’s infidelity.
Also in the court was the knights’s fencing instructor, Perry Enthrust. Known for his rapier wit, Enthrust was actually a spy for Queen Faraday’s old enemy, Lord I.C. Liverspots, the Earl of Olay. Enthrust’s allegiance changed, however, and with a desperate sword duel with Liverspots, Enthrust ran his sword through the old Earl’s chest. “Curses!” Liverspots shrieked, “Foiled again!”
During the Seven-Year-Itch War, Queen Faraday received help from an unlikely source, her court entertainer, Gofer the Juggler. Pressed into service as a courier during the climactic Battle of the Bands, Gofer came upon a regiment of the Queen’s trooos trapped in a mountain pass by a river of molten lava spewing from the island’s volcano, Mauna Roll. “We’re trapped!” called out the captain to Gofer. “There is no way direction in which we can proceed.”
“Nonsense!” replied Gofer. “There must be fifty ways to leave your lava.” And with that, Gofer proceeded to lead the Queen’s troops through a mountain tunnel until they were behind Nomoon’s lines.
For his heroism, Gofer was a made an honorary member of the Queen’s Lavaliers. He also remained Queen Faraday’s most beloved entertainer. In his later years, he is said to have developed a new style of music subsequently named in his honor, Gofer Baroque.
There are some historians who claim that Buenos Nachos and the Court of Good Knights actually existed. They note the discovery at excavation sites of jewelry and precious stones, such as the Teerzoffa Crown, Tiara Boomdiay, and the Verne Jewels, as evidence that the ancient ruins on the island were once a thriving city. Whether these items are the sole remaining relics from the fabled court or perhaps part of some pirate’s long lost treasure is still open to speculation.

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by Omar Akin Bach, Chiropractor. Bach says, “Forget what you might have heard; we’ll straighten you out.” Located at the corner of Twist and Popp in Back Bend, Pun.

July 4-9: A surfing competition and subsequent crowning of the “Chairman of the Board” are part of the DeGraydis Capers week at (where else) DeGraydis Cape on Pun’s southern coast. Please note that although the surfing competition is still scheduled, the event is subject to postponement due to the presence of sharks in the area. Recent sightings of Lone, Card, and Poole Sharks have festival organizers worried.

July 9: Northern Pun’s city of Smorgasburg hosts its annual Rat Race (also known as the C.Howdy Run), a 10-K event held each July along the shoreline of Betonda Bay. Last year’s winners were Mary Thon and Gaspin Ferrer. If you like to get your exercise on the dance floor, you might try Smorgasburg’s Swedish Meet Ball, held in conjunction with the Rat Race. This marathon dance is held in the ballroom of the Swede Dreams Hotel. While in Smorgasburg, we recommend dining at The Shipyard. This converted dockside warehouse, formerly known as the Barge Inn, is owned by Abel Seaman, a former whaler captain and current president of the Pun Sperm Bank. The Shipyard’s menu includes subs, steamers of clams, and a ketch of the day, all of which can be washed down with a schooner of ale. Yawl come out for launch and eat a yacht.

July 15-17: The local mental health clinics of Grape harbor benefit from the proceeds of a wine-tasting celebration during the Days of Wine and Neuroses festival kicking off on the 15th and running through the weekend. Grape Harbor and the Rio McCoy valley to the northeast comprise Pun’s wine country Vineyards are everywhere and produce wines for every taste. A partial listing of those available at the wine tasting include Bridgette Bordeaux – a light French-style wine that ages beautifully; Hello Madeira – a good introductory wine, light, pleasant, complimentary, promising better things; Wotz-Rongwitt Medoc – A curious wine, hard to define, tasting expensive but leaving a question on the palate; Garland-Avery Port – a low-class wine for the non-discriminating wine drinker; Madam Moselle – an exciting but underage wine that makes up in vitality what it lacks in depth and maturity; and Ringsov Sauterne – one of Pun’s most potent wines – one or two glasses will knock you flat on Uranus.

July 25-29: The Pun National SETI Conference opens in St. Spreservus in southern Pun and is open to the public. SETI stands for Search for Evidential Traces of Ignoramia. The conference offers lectures and exhibits about the curious island of Ignoramia. Don’t bother looking for Ignoramia on any recent maps of Pun and the Free Association Islands; it isn’t there. Ignoramia is is a legendary lost island, said to have sunk into Luna Sea under the weight of its own ineptitude.
Little is known about the land. Its form of government appears to have been an idiocracy – government by the stupid. Its Parliament, known as Fools’ Circle, was made of of 1000 Ignoramuses who met on the Asinine Heights mountain top of Numm’s Skull (also known as Bone Head and Addle Pate). So incompetent were its leaders that Ignoramia was also known as the Land of 1000 Dunces. Even the island’s forests were dense. The Black Forest, for example, was so dense that not even light escaped. Ignoramia had few cities. Those that did exist (Simpleton, Slow Downs, Oaf) were surrounded by thick walls, set at obtuse angles to one another.
There is some evidence that some Ignoramuses made their way to Pun, apparently brought in by dope smugglers. No other flora and fauna are known to have survived. Animals thought to have lived on the island include the Sillee Ass and the Lumm Ox. In addition, scientists have found on small isolated atolls in the region Dodo droppings and Ninkum poop, which would indicate the these species might have been there also.
Periodically, adventurers will get it into their heads to go search for Ignoramia, but the dark, muddled waters of the sea make this an extremely dangerous undertaking. The bottom line is that only someone whose heritage can be traced back to Ignoramia would attempt such a foolhardy enterprise, so if you’re actively searching for Ignoramuses, you probably are one.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Straight Chuters Skydiving Club. “At Straight Chuters, we let you down easy,” says Chief instructor Hy Hopes. Located at 123 Geronimo, Happy Landing, Pun.

June 1-5: The Oh! Migration! festival, held in Babaloo on the island of Santa Lucia (the Isle of Lucy), celebrates Pun’s inland expansion from the coastal city-states. Thousands gather to participate in activities centered in and around Pepptobiz Mall to honor the spirit that settled the interior.

June12: Batteries Park, on the south side of Point Spread in south-central Pun, is the site of a special celebration honoring the city’s history as an important military post. The artillery battery cannons, known as the Guns of Neveron, which for years protected Honorondo Bay and Pun’s capital from marauding pirates such as Long John Undaweir, are still fired once a year to recreate their historic role in Pun’s history. The city creates a festival around the event, held each year on Neveron Sunday.

June 11-18: Mon Key holds its annual Mon Key Shines festival through this week, highlighted by barrel races, business exhibits, a wrench toss, and the Gorilla My Dreams beauty pageant.

June 21: In eastern Pun, the longest day of the year is celebrated in a huge arts and crafts festival at the site of Pun’s largest waterfall (720 feet). Check out The Bigger Day Arts at DeHarderday Falls.

June 30: Judge Crater was formed in eastern Pun about 10,000 years ago when a meteorite crashed into the earth. The crater is named for Hubie D. Judge, the man who discovered and mapped it in 1741, and is primarily known for its vast fields of mint that grow in the crater. The rich land of the area gives the mint a strong bouquet and flavor that is highly prized by Pun citizens. A celebration is held every year and people come from all over the island to partake in the festivities on June 30, Judge Mint Day.

All month: In what has now become an annual event, the Pun National Museum of Dance History in Foot Falls has special exhibits all month with reduced admission prices. Visitors can view films and displays and also follow footprint patterns on the floor to do the King Conga, Sour Mash, Little Black Samba, the Pyar Square Dance (actually a Round Dance) Izzit Reel, Lemon Twist, Lapp Dance, Pink Flamenco, Fazz Shuffle, Thingma Jig, Mild, Medium or Spicy Salsa, or the Carr Rhumba (also known as the Carr Hop and the Front End Shimmy). There are also displays covering the outlawed Strip Polka and the Buttin’s Key Cannibals’ dance, the Hominy Minuet.

Featured Restaurant of the Month: The Brown Hurby-Curby: This little restaurant, located in Kukuborough and shaped like a big brown refuse container, is famous as a celebrity meeting spot. The back room of the establishment is where noted Pun actress Lotta Cleavage was discovered. It is also the site of the death of well known actor Roman Hands, with whom Lotta was discovered. The foods are plentiful, rich and famous. Try the BLT sandwich made with Kevin Bacon, the Lorne Greens, Okra Winfrey, Anne Rice, and the Rocky Road ice cream, replete with Chuckberries and Gregg Almonds.

The May installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by The Talon Show Nail Salon. The Talon Show’s proprietor is Klaus Sharpener who invites you to his shop’s location at 123 Manny Curanf Isle in Pun City.

May 1: At Forest Landing, a town on the Stream of Consciousness, the Pun Communist Party holds its yearly May Day celebration. The party’s society for men (The Marx Brothers) and its female counterpart (the Lenin Sisters), hold rallies, give speeches and, in general, attempt to recapture the glory of the Tsar Wars. Another Communist rally will take place in San Inyorchoos in southwest Pun at a restaurant called A Familiar Fez. The restaurant specializes in Arabian cuisine and is located across from the Camel Lot. The restaurant’s name refers to the fezzes worn by a fanatical Communist organization known as the Rogue Island Reds. In 1915, this fez and cape wearing group attempted to stage the infamous Cock-a-Doodle Coup. The Reds objective was to overthrow the government by pullets, not ballots. To a man, each member had vowed, if not successful in the attempt, to die with his fez and capon. The Reds’ first seditious endeavor was an assault on the arsenal at Duck Downs. But the attack never got off the ground. A dispirited faction of the Reds, known as the Cock-A-Doodle Dandies, failed to show up at the rendesvouz point and the attack had to be cancelled. The leader of the Reds, Layne Hens, denounced the Dandies as cowards. In an attempt to re-establish their honor, the Dandies, led by Rooster Cockborn, hatched a plot to raid the arsenal on their own. Ill equipped and out-manned, the raiders were soon discovered, quickly succumbed to government shelling, and eventually cracked. The coup a failure, the conspirators were all banished to Eggs Isle in the Ova Bight (now Center Isle of Honorondo Bay) where they lived out their lives and died martyrs to their cause. Despite the fact that the restaurant is named A Familiar Fez, you don’t see many fezzes around Pun these days. Apparently it is a fez only a martyr can love.

May 7-8: Check out the William Frolic in the town of Babaloo on Santa Lucia (the Isle of Lucy). Except for the traditional grape-stomping and candy-eating competitions and a the annual performance by the zany rock band Dizzy Lou, activities for this year’s Frolic were not available at press time. Expect the unexpected and you won’t be disappointed. Usually, everybody has a ball.

May 21: Once again, it’s Dennis Day in Pun City in honor of Seeyor Dennis, one of Pun’s most creative citizens. Dennis was a noted architect, engraver, and designer. He constructed many of the country’s bridges, engraved the currency plates,and designed the royal crowns. His house, in Tooth Acres at the corner of Ake and Payne, is open wide from 9-5 daily for tours.

May 19-22: We don’t know why we even publicize the Lazy Fair, held these four days at Fort Ewinks. No activities are planned, no arts and crafts demonstrated or displayed. Tourists are advised to leave this one alone.

All month: Admission fees are greatly reduced this month at Pun City’s Aboynem Zoo. The zoo is one of the most delightful attractions in Pun City and a must-see for tourists. Because Pun is an isolated island, the animal life is unique. Simulated natural environments showcase the wildlife to its best advantage. The “Tenk Yew Berry Marsh” simulates the environments of the Huckleberry Fen and Howe’s Bayou regions of the island. You’ll see Mad Adders and Dew Azure Toads and shore birds including George and Bugsy Sea Gulls, Frasier and Niles Cranes and Wright, Yu, and Leff Terns. The “Ape Pre-Cut Preserve” chronicles the devastating effects that rain forest clearing is having on the homes of mountain gorillas and and other species, such as the Barbara Mandrill. The special class of animals in the “Black Boar Jungle” offers a mix of savage and violent predators, such as the Dotted Lion and the Rod’s Tiger (which only hunts in the heat of the night). The “Borntabee Wilds” replicates Pun’s grasslands areas. You’ll see Saracen Roebuck, Hecklin Jackals, and Dix Eland, to name but a few. Newly constructed this year is the Forty Birds aviary, dedicated to preserving and replenishing the forty kinds of birds currently on Pun’s endangered species list. Here you’ll see the Harda Swallow, Peter Finch, Oh Jay, Christopher Robin, Sanfran Siskin, and Saint Louis Cardinal. There is also a petting zoo for the kids at “Nocturnal Farm” where children can come face to face with Night Mares, Rapid Hartebeests, and Gotch Ewes. Aboynem Zoo is located at the corner of Wilde and Woo Lee. Plan on spending at least a full day.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by the Dukov Oil Co., serving Pun for over a century. Dukov Oil proudly boasts, “We can fuel all of the people all of the time because there’s no fuel like an oil fuel.” Available throughout Pun.

After a particularly severe winter, Spring again has returned to Pun, characterized by temperate weather across most of the island and seasonal precipitation in the form of the Claude Rains. Early in the month, however, a low pressure area will be stalled over the northeast and consequently many inhabitants of this area will be feeling under the weather.

April 4: April 4 is Doris Day in Pun, a national holiday honoring Doris O’Pun, a revolutionary leader during the rebellion of 1800 which opened the door to constitutional government in Pun. Check with local city tourist bureaus for information on local celebration events. The O’Pun Arms Hotel (named for Doris O’Pun) in Pun City is offering discount rates on its rooms for the weekend festivities in the capital. Built in 1875, the O’Pun Arms is one of Pun’s oldest and grandest hotels, hospitable and inviting.

April 9: Young and old alike look forward to the annual re-opening of Shadowlands Theme Park just south of Fort Knight in central Pun. At Shadowland, you can hearken back to the days of Pun’s Dark Ages (the Age of Knights). Visitors to the this medieval village can find adventure on thrill rides such as the “Dragontrain” roller coaster, frolic on a typical village common in the “Plague Ground,” pick a crossbow and a quarrel at the “Archery Bunker,” watch simulated torture and beheadings at “Rack and Roll at the Palace,” or get a bite to eat at “Serf’s Sup.” Music is provided by a wandering band of musicians, The Minstrel Cycle, all of whom play period instruments.

April 11-17: This week on the Bikini Islands finds the Bum’s Rush Festival in full swing. The highlights are the Keister Parade held on the 11th and an Irish-themed semi-nude beauty contest, the Erin-Go-Bragh-less Pageant, on the 17.

April 25-30: This week the town of Coopdyville hosts the Punderground Festival but, as usual, we advise that you skip this event. Back in the 1920s, the street level around the old courthouse in the downtown area was raised. The stores on two adjoining streets, Investigation Alley and Contempt Avenue, were buried underground. In the 1980s, these underground shops were re-opened by entrepreneurs and the Punderground was born. It was designed to be home to trendy shops, restaurants and taverns but now sports a notorious reputation for high prices and outright fraud. Many of the shops are under Investigation and most of the rest are beneath Contempt. In addition, part of the city’s old sewer system has been turned into a water park called Sewerslide. If you choose to attend, you’ll find the most reputable shops to be Peter’s Cellars (a wine shop), Subs Terranean (featuring health-food sandwiches based mainly on locally grown mushrooms), Buried Treasures (antiques), Down Under (Australian goose-feather pillows and comforters), Deep Doodoo (organic fertilizers based mainly on locally grown mushrooms), the Doughnut Hole (pastries), and The Under Warehouse (lingerie).

All Month: In addition to the O’Pun Arms Hotel mentioned above, several other hotels throughout the islands are offering discount rates this month. Below are just a few. Check with local chambers of commerce for special deals.
Carpenter’s Square in Fort Ewinks was formerly the Lumber Inn, which was a plain, old fashioned boarding house located just south of the Fitfulse Lumber Yard. Remodeled and renamed in 1975, Carpenter’s Square is an excellent hotel run by a level-headed management. The hotel’s primary claim to fame, however, is its posh lounge, The Wrecking Bar, which features a potent gimlet punch but that’s not awl. The Screwdrivers and Rusty Nails are also guaranteed to keep you tight. The Wrecking Bar is a popular nightspot, as you miter guessed.
Babel Tower in Punta de Ball is an only partially completed hotel run by Polly Glott. It has to be experienced to be believed. Everyone who works here speaks a different language. There’s and Indian maid, an Arabian night clerk, a Blackfoot shoeshine boy, the barber is a Pole, the air-conditioner repairman is from Chile, the legal counsellor is Sioux, the bartender is a Black Russian, and the nightclub has a Czech bouncer. Nobody can understand anybody else abd, consequently, everybody’s in Dutch.
Mercy Boku operates the Vivaluff Ranch in Back Bend on the shores of Safen Sound. The rooms are large and welcoming, there is a splendid view from the top of stone spire known as the Eyeful Tower, and the meals at the hotel’s restaurant – The French Conniption – are fit for a king. But even though the Stream of Consciousness flows through the nearby fields, it will never be the Seine.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Dylan Brine, The Pickle Maker, located at 2007 Summer Salts Drive, Hand Springs, Pun.

All Month: March is Fine Arts Month at the Caramel Center in Pun City. This year’s performances include a ragtime piano concert by Ivory Tickler (2nd), stand-up comedy by comedian Hardy Harhar (4th), an evening of prestidigitation with magician Allie Kazam (5th), a concert by Bertha DeBlooz (6th), jazz stylings by the Caspar Jammers Jazz Band (11th), a performance by the Japanese dance troupe Ballet Hai (18th), show tunes from Sam and Janet Evening (19th), the Pranzeran Dancers (20th), The Grandol Opera (23rd), a Hip-Hop concert by Bum Rap (25th), hard rock from the Roxanne Boulders Band (26th),and the Pun National Symphony, featuring guest conductor Phil Harmonic (28th). The city of MacTruck’s Citizens’ Band always concludes the month-long festivities by playing Handel (31st). Handel usually loses.

Elsewhere this month:

March 1-4:The Pun Industrial Trade Show (PITS) is held this week in Artich Oaks. Situated at the north end of Safen Sound at the junction of Jimmida Creek, the Alimentary Canal, and three railroads, Artich Oaks became an important trading and manufacturing center. The bustling city boasts corporate headquarters and manufacturing plants for such diverse industries as plumbing (Pharoah Faucets), ceramics (Repp Tile), furriers (Fursthings Furs), tobacco (C. Garbutt Company and C.U. Inhale), distilling (Boot Liquors and Spirits of St.Louis). publishing (Saracen-Rowe Books), computer software (Over Byte and Silicon-Carney), and textiles (Storyteller Yarns). You can see displays and product samples from these and other Pun companies and pick up brochures as well. If you’re looking for a different place to spend a day, it’s the PITS.

March 21: Crowds gather each year on this day to watch the Changing of the Garb ceremony at the Royal Palace in Pun City, when the Royal Militia changes from its winter uniforms into its summer dress right in front of everybody.

March 27: Odie Doodah Day is celebrated on the shores of Betonda Bay in north Pun. Discovered in the late 1500’s by English explorers Bob Talnag and Odie Doodah, Betonda Bay’s natural harbor served as a refuge from the turbulent waters of Kissov Depth. The bay’s first colony, Camptown, later became the town of Doodah. The village celebtrates its founding each year on this date. Principal events are a horse race and wine-tasting festival. The Chamber of Commerce promises sufficient “wine to run all night and wine to run all day.”

All Month: All month long, Lugosi’s restaurant in the city of Enoses Place will celebrate its 75th anniversary with discounted prices on all its meals. Lugosi’s is Old World cuisine so good you’ll want to wolf it down. Visit the The Belfry Bar and get into the spirit of things right off the bat. Four types of Bloody Marys are available. The menu has a wide variety of of items but, inexplicably, no steaks. Open sunset to sunrise.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Criminal Attorney, Gil T. Verdick. Boasting 10 years experience before the bar and 20 years behind them, Verdick claims to know the judicial and legal systems inside and out. Contact Verdick at #436786, Block D, Ball Point Penitentiary, Punta De Ball, Pun.

February 2: It’s Garrand Aug Day in Pun, named for a French-born Punster who lives in Boogen Villa. Each February 2, Mssr. Aug walks down onto the foggy shore of Safen Sound and looks back toward his home. Legend states that if he can see his chateau, Pun’s winter will continue another six weeks. Large crowds and media representatives gather every year to learn of his prediction and the children have even made up a rhyme about it. “Mssr. Aug, into the fog/He walks on down and enters/Turns and, oh! sees his chateau/Six more weeks of winter.”

February 6-7: The cannibal tribes of Buttin’s Key host the Beauty and the Feast pageant this weekend, when the pageant’s beauties are ceremoniously wined and dined on. If you get there late, don’t be surprised if everybody’s eaten.

February 8-14:February 12-14: The annual Widow’s Peak Ski Festival takes place this weekend at (where else?) Widow’s Peak in central Pun. Also known as Haff Bald, this mountain offers some of the best skiing on the island. Downhill runs range from the comfortable and conservative (Horsencair Ridge and Jahn Glen) to the downright dangerous (Fool’s Rush, Balder Dash, and Ski Daddle).

February 21:The Pun United Television Reviewers’ Index of Decency (P.U.T.R.I.D.) Awards are presented annually in February from the Carney and Garfunkle Center For the Performing Arts to honor Pun television programs that the reviewers feel exemplify high standards of writing and production. Nominated for Best Program this year are:
Morgue and Mindy: An extraterrestrial is befriended by a young girl and lands a job at a medical examiner’s office. PUTRID Award episode nominee: The M.E.’s office faces layoffs in “Cutting Coroners.”
Wide, Wide Waist: The tales of 400 pound frontier agent Kilton Udderhors. PUTRID Award episode nominee: Udderhors intervenes in the Slewfoot Sioux tribe’s plans to stage a hunger strike unless their lands are returned to them in “It Is a Good Day to Diet.”
Mr. Id: The adventures of a talking horse who’s a horse with no remorse. PUTRID Award episode nominee: In “Sex Drive,” Mr Id is caught trying to enter a neighbor’s Pinto.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Burns and Burns Crematory. Use Burns and Burns for a well urned rest. At 2120 Ash Place, Pun City, Pun.

January 8-10:Get away from the cold winter of north Pun by taking in the Fedder Rallies, Baja-style road races held this Friday through Sunday just outside the south Pun town of San Inyorchoos, also known as Sunburnadino. The rallies are held on the salt beds of what used to be a large body of water, Lake O’Lamb, that once existed north of the city. At one time, its shore was home to the Dalai Parton, titular head and chief prophet of a mystical religious cult who arrived from Back Bend as part of a prophet-sharing plan.. The Dalai Parton’s followers proclaimed him a messiah and believed he could perform miracles and walk on water. He never got the chance to prove the latter, however, because Lake O’Lamb dried up, leaving the prophet without a lake to stand on. If dessert excursions are your cup of tea, take the opportunity while you’re attending the rallies, to rent a camel from The Camelot (home of the Knights of the Round Stable) and explore on your own.

January 16-17: The town of New Monia celebrates its founding this weekend with exhibits and a parade. Located on Pun’s eastern coast, the town’s name was originally spelled Numonia in honor of its founder, 15th century Portuguese explorer Joaquin Numonia. Numonia’s flagship, the Plura Sea, is on display in the city’s maritime museum in the Colla Dock area. A sled dog race along the waterfront, the Sea Spot Run, is also scheduled.

January 24-25: The Tchaikov Ski Lodge in central Pun is the site for this weekend’s Eiffel Downhill Ski Championship. Ski industry manufacturers from all over the island will be on hand promoting their products and hoping for endorsements from the top skiers who will be in attendance, such as Al Pine, Bunny Slope, Ava Lanch, Sugar Lofe, Moe Gull and even rapper-turned-skier T-Bar.

This weekend also finds the waters of Dire Straits the site of the “Regatta Get Out of This Place” sailboat races. Boat entries this year include O’Pun Sea, Hang on Sloop, Loco Mocean, Tom Cruiser, Ruby Yacht, Second Wind, Seaweed Dreams, Midlife Cry Seas, the winner for the past two years, Wave Goodbye. as well as last year’s runner up, Just Mist.

All Month: Celebrating the 81st anniversary of its opening in 1935, Home Plate restaurant in Mimiatda Station in central Pun has specials going on all month long. Located in the same town as the Pun Baseball Hall of Fame, the restaurant was established by Pun baseball legend Bubba Leenhot. Home Plate offers good food at prices that won’t make you balk. Try the Batter Up Pancakes for breakfast or the Fielder’s Choice Buffet for lunch. For supper, there are any number of succulent dishes such as Bunted Fowl or Granny’s Lamb, garnished with National or American Leeks. There’s a seafood special (Basket Catch), a meatless dish (Goose Eggs), and assorted pickles and jams. And for dessert, try the Wild Peaches. A sure hit.

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by Hulla Balloons, experts in the field of high-altitude excursions, whose motto is “We’re not just a lot of hot air.” Located at 321 Cara Mia Way, Happy Landing, Pun.

Big News! The discoverers of Pun, Hugo Yurway and Al Gomine, will be at the Market Days Fair in Tallahassee, Florida on December 5 and 6, selling pun maps and guidebooks. They hope to see you there!

December 1-6: The Christmas season rolls in this week and all eyes turn to DeKingand I, a heavily forested island south of pun. It is from this island that Pun’s yule trees are harvested. All this week, people clog Pun’s seaports to catch sight of the Yule Bringer, the ship that ferries the special cargo to the mainland. Check local listings for details on delivery dates and times.

December 5-6: The D’Jubilee ‘n’ Magic festival is held this weekend in Pun City. A kind of Renaissance Music Fair, the festival showcases the music of Johann Sebastian, who originated a new musical style when he baroque his harpsichord. His most noteworthy composition, the magical “Opus Pocus” is usually a festival high point. If you are looking for a good place to eat while attending the festival, try Paree Maison, one of Pun’s oldest and finest restaurants. The house specialty is a variation of a pressed duck, called a Pulled Drake. The children will like the chopped sirloin dish, the Hamilton Burger. Drinks are served in mason jars, but nobody objects. You be the judge. There are two locations,on Della St. and on Seeyuin Ct.

There are, of course, many seasonal events across the island this month. Many people head for eastern Pun and the Mary Carr Isthmus, which throughout the year offers a little something for everyone. It features a fairly large town, marshlands, a quiet harbor, mountains, and an offshore deep sea fishing area which are, respectively, Fort Collinburg, Three French Fen, Two Turtle Cove, Anna Peart Ridge, Anna Peart Reef, plus a spectacular view of the gulf from Lordsa Leap. All through December, there is a special yuletide festival in Fort Collinburg sponsored by clothing manufacturer Donna Gay Apparel, whose corporate headquarters are in the city. And for those who like local legends, actors re-create the activities associated with “The Ghost of Isthmus Pass,” who is said to haunt the area’s main highway at the bridge over Bah Canal. While in the area, be sure to take in the free tour of one of the island’s largest distilleries, Isthmus Spirits.

December 14: A long awaited album will be released today, Filet of Soul by Fisher Cutbate. Marimba-ologist Fisher Cutbate heads an all-star cast of musicians in this follow up to last year’s successful album For the Halibut. Songs this time include “Not Tonight, I Have a Haddock,” “Clam Up and Jellyfish Tight,” “An American Tuna,” “Your Shellfish Love,” “Bass-Ackwards,” “Mullet Over,” and “Like a Sturgeon (For the Very First Time)”

December 31: Along with people around the world, Punsters will be ringing in the new year at midnight. The traditional song sung at the moment the clock strikes twelve celebrates the story of Doodle Lang, an old mountain bootlegger who would stand on the top of his house and, at midnight, toss jugs of his ‘mountain dew” moonshine to the revelers who had gathered below. Lang would post a large sign in nearby villages, inviting people to his house for the celebration. The “Dew Drop” has become a tradition celebrated across the island, albeit now with trinkets and candies instead of liquor. The familiar lyrics of the song begin, “There is a man who’s name is Lang and he has a great big sign/ And Mr. Lang is very old, so they call it Old Lang’s Sign.”

Happy Holidays everyone!

This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by The Bridal Path Wedding Consultants. Owner Gwen Toody Chapel says, “When you’re through horsing around, we’ll help you rope him in, bit by bit.” Located on Center Isle, Pun.

November 7-8: There are many fall festivals all across Pun and on this weekend the seaport city of Smorgasburg on the shore of Betonda Bay holds its Flounders Day celebration. The highlight is a fishing tournament held just for the halibut. The city also has many attractions that reflect its rich seafaring history. For the last two hundred years, ships have been guided into Betonda Bay by Miller Light, which was built in 1782 and immortalized in the 1897 novel, Miller Light by Tess Grate and Les Philling. Tours of the lighthouse are available and visitors can learn the amount of work involved in lighthouse keeping. Just a short walk from the lighthouse is the Smorgasburg Maritime Museum. Here, visitors can view displays of representative sea vessels from throughout Pun’s history. Prominently exhibited are the ketch Yurbreath, the launch Ainy, the barge Rye Tin, the schooner Orlater, and the ferry Godmother. Shoppers will enjoy Dock Holiday, a row of former warehouses on the bayfront that have been converted into specialty shops. You can find antique sleepwear at Yesterday’s Snooze, garden herbs at Mother Nature and Father Thyme , men’s suits from China at Kuppensaucer’s, and nautical knickknacks at Shipshapes, just to name a few. Looking for a good place to eat while in Smorgasburg? Try the Hearth and Sole and savor delicious seafood before a warm and inviting fireplace. This is north country dining at its finest. Home is where the hearth is.

November 9-15: This is Dinosaur Week at the Kolomaz Museum in Pun City. On display are fossils retrieved from the frozen wastes of the Dubbelon Tundra and from the ooze and mire of the Walter Wall Tar Pits. Some of the creatures whose bones have been pieced together apparently existed nowhere else on earth. You’ll see fossils of the Roget’s Thesaurus, the almost overlooked Nobodisaurus, the two-footed Dubbeldactyl, the deadly Red Commisaur, the foul-smelling Tyrannosaurs Reex, and the nocturnal Dusktodon. Also on display are the fossils of early mammals such as the Wooly Bully, the Tame Minotta Shrew, the Shuffelofta Buffalo, and a flying pig-like creature, the Hamm Hawk.

November 20: Many books are released during this pre-holiday season and one of the most anticipated this year is in the Sci-Fi genre. The last time we met author Tempest Fugit’s time travelling physician protagonist, Dr. Red Pepper, was in last year’s best selling novel, A Stitch in Time. The plot centered on Dr. Pepper’s kidnapping by time bandits to the year 2099 where the memory banks of surgery-performing computers were inadvertently erased, necessitating the skill and knowledge of a practicing heart surgeon to save the life of a political leader and the world from the brink of Armageddon. In Ms. Fugit’s current book, Back to the Suture, Pepper, now with the knowledge of time travel, journeys into the past to save the lives of various historical figures whose survival would alter the course of history. Additionally, he also recruits a ragtag band of misfit cardioligists and surgical technician rejects to travel through time with him, scrubbing for cardiac operations that are crucial to the molding and shaping of future events. Will this renegade heart-scrub team succeed? As entertaining as Back to the Suture is, it leaves the question unanswered. The reader will have to wait until next year’s publication of Fugit’s final installment of the Dr. Pepper triogy, Surgeon Pepper’s Lowly Heart-Scrub Band.

All month: The college football season on Pun winds down but there are still important upcoming games this month. Smyling faces Tellize, Frazier slugs it out with Alley, Hoast entertains Gestz, Stagg is at Bay, and Equalines will square off with Rytangles.