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This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Hulla Balloons, your best choice for high altitude excursions over Pun.  Hulla Balloons President Ike N. Float says, “Give us a try.  We’re not just a lot of hot air.”  Located at 321 Cara Mia Way, Happy Landing, Pun.

August 1-31: For the entire month of August, the Dog Days celebration takes place in Baskerville in northwestern Pun. Baskerville is widely known as the dog-breeding capital of the island. Many breeds of dogs, found only on Pun, originated here, including the the Watsop Dachshund, Allyn Shepherd, the Finger Pointer, the Jonathon Livingstone Beagle, the Knitten Afghan, the Angela Basset, the Kathy Griffon,  the Penny Pinscher, the Beemiup Scottie, the Bull Shih Tzu, the Habla Spaniel, the Melon Collie,, the Skool-Kaffa Terrier, the Joe Cocker Spaniel, the Harmonna Cur, and the Jimmy Crack Cairn. Many activities are planned and include free trips across the Bay of DeHounds on the Hounds Tooth Ferry. The festivities conclude on the 31st with the National Dog Show finals and the naming of the Best Dog in Show. Last year, the winner was Teekayo, a Punch-Drunk Boxer.  Another highlight of the show is the customary singing of the puppy judges’ song, “I’m Going to Sit Right Down and Rate Myself a Litter.”

August 7-8: Nachos Island, off Pun’s southern coast, hosts the Chili con Carnival, with its chili cooking competition. Six years ago, a new category – Hot and Sole – was added to introduce fish chili to the competition and was a big success. Two years ago, ingredients such as soy, quinoa, and kale were introduced in a category called “Go To Health.” Last year, a new category featuring liver and tripe was being tested under the category name, “Blood and Guts,” but it will not be continued this year because it turned out to be offal.  Instead, new this year is a spicy chicken chili category called “Pullet Surprise.”  Commemorative T-shirts of the cook-off are available and feature the carnival slogan, “Bean There – Downed That.”

August 14-15: Courtens Park in Pun City is the site of this year’s National Kiss-Off, where couples kiss and try to be the last one off the buss. Once again, the competition’s festivities include romantic poetry recitations by Pun’s Poet Laureate Wordsworth Reeding, and love songs sung by Spanish songstress Bessie Mae Mucho.

All month: All this month, Bea’s Wax Museum is cutting admission prices in celebration of its 54nd anniversary. Madame Toussaud can’t hold a candle to Bea Keeper, who has a wicked way with wax. Her creations represent all walks of life from the well-heeled to the pedestrian. Visitors can meet hundreds of notables from Pun history such as railroad tycoon Chevalle D. Cole, Lord I.C. Liverspots (The Earl of Olay), songstress Carrie Oakie, race car driver Mario Speedwagon, champion wrestler Matt Burns, Italian-born general Vinnie Vidivici, and revolutionary martyrs Ouida Peeple and Doris O’Pun. In the Chamber of Horrors are represented the infamous such as highwaymen Avery Juan Reech and Stan “Dandy” Liver, arsonist Bern M. Down, cereal killer Curt Eldmilk, and the criminal duo of Phil O’Nee and Misty Meaner.

All month:  Darwin’s Garage in Pun City is celebrating the 25th anniversary of it’s rebuilding in 1997.  All punsters know the story of this famous landmark where noted anthropologist Eve O’Lucien teamed up with military industrialist Darwin Savoir on an experiment involving rhesus monkeys.  Theorizing that monkeys could be trained to do mechanical tasks, the two placed one in Darwin’s Garage and put it to work on military vehicles.  It immediately invented the monkey wrench.  Soon after, garage owners throughout pun were clamoring to Darwin for grease monkeys of their own.  “Simian ape, quick!” they’d plead.  The experiment proved to be an unqualified success until one of Darwin’s team tried to teach the monkeys to weld. One monkey got too near a gas pump and the resulting explosion destroyed the garage and littered the area with rhesus pieces.  There are discounts all month for vehicle service and repairs  plus the grand opening of the Monkeyshines Carwash.

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by Yesterday’s Snooze, featuring “naughty but nice antique sleepwear.”  Owner Al Knight Long says, “Visit our Erotica Department, where you’ll find rompers, hot-pants, bearskins, dickies, beaver pelts, birthday suits, and late bloomers. We also specialize in Incontinental Attire such as bedsweaters, pea-coats, and windbreakers.  Located at 4A Rue DeWakening, Pun City, Pun.

July 5-10: A surfing competition and subsequent crowning of the “Chairman of the Board” are part of the DeGraydis Capers week at (where else) DeGraydis Cape on Pun’s southern coast. Please note that although the surfing competition is still scheduled, the event is subject to postponement if there are reports of sharks in the area. Periodic sightings of Lone, Card, and Poole Sharks have had festival organizers worried. A few years ago, a surfer lost a toe to a shark and had to drop out of the Hang Ten competition.  Surfers are keen to compete but no one wants their attempt to be crowned champion to cost them an arm and a leg.

July 10: Northern Pun’s city of Smorgasburg hosts its annual Rat Race (also known as the C. Howdy Run), a 10-K event held each July along the shoreline of Betonda Bay. Last year’s repeat winners were Mary Thon and Amahl Tucker Dout.  If you like to get your exercise on the dance floor, you might try Smorgasburg’s Swedish Meet Ball, held in conjunction with the Rat Race. This marathon dance is held in the ballroom of the Swede Dreams Hotel. While in Smorgasburg, we recommend dining at The Shipyard. This converted dockside warehouse, formerly known as the Barge Inn, is owned by Abel Seaman, a former whaler captain and current president of the Pun Sperm Bank. The Shipyard’s menu includes subs, steamers of clams, and a ketch of the day, all of which can be washed down with a schooner of ale. Seaman says, “Yawl come out for launch and eat a yacht.”

July 16-20: The local mental health clinics of Grape Harbor benefit from the proceeds of a wine-tasting celebration during the Days of Wine and Neuroses festival kicking off on the 16th and running through the weekend. Grape Harbor and the Rio McCoy valley to the northeast comprise Pun’s wine country. Vineyards are everywhere and produce wines for every taste. A partial listing of those available at the wine tasting include Bridgette Bordeaux – a light French-style wine that ages beautifully; Hello Madeira – a good introductory wine, light, pleasant, complimentary, promising better things; Wotz-Rongwitt Medoc – A curious wine, hard to define, tasting expensive but leaving a question on the palate; Garland-Avery Port – a low-class wine for the non-discriminating wine drinker; Madam Moselle – an exciting but underage wine that makes up in vitality what it lacks in depth and maturity; Mell Blanc, which expresses multiple characters, each different from the others, and Ringsov Sauterne – one of Pun’s most potent wines – one or two glasses will knock you flat on Uranus.

July 19-23:  The Home Owners, Renovators and Retailers Interior Design (H.O.R.R.I.D) Show has its second annual display this week in Pun City.  Companies displaying their home decorating and renovation products include Mickey Mantels, Lou’s Stools, Budd Lights, Matta Doors, Seek Lamps, Lila Carr Rug, Mike Rosoff Windows, La Brea Carpets, Horr’s Tables, Sauer Drapes, Repp Tiles, Howard Hues Paints, Geiger Counters, Bretha Fress Chairs, Harry Pottery, and Pharaoh Faucets.

July 26-31: The Pun National SETI Conference opens in St. Spreservus in southern Pun and is open to the public. SETI stands for Search for Evidential Traces of Ignoramia. The conference offers lectures and exhibits about this curious island. Don’t bother looking for Ignoramia on any recent maps of Pun and the Free Association Islands; it isn’t there. Ignoramia is is a legendary lost island, said to have sunk into Luna Sea under the weight of its own ineptitude.
Little is known about the land. Its form of government appears to have been an idiocracy – government by the stupid. Its Parliament, known as Fools’ Circle, was made up of 1000 Ignoramuses who met on the Asinine Heights mountain top of Numm’s Skull (also known as Bone Head and Addle Pate). So incompetent were its leaders that Ignoramia was also known as the Land of 1000 Dunces. Even the island’s forests were dense. The Black Forest, for example, was so dense that not even light escaped. Ignoramia had few cities. Those that did exist (Simpleton, Slow Downs, Ninny, Dolt, Oaf, Loon) were surrounded by thick walls, set at obtuse angles to one another.
There is evidence that some Ignoramuses made their way to Pun, apparently brought in by dope smugglers. No other flora and fauna are known to have survived. Animals thought to have lived on the island include the Sillee Ass, Ding Bat, and the Lumm Ox. In addition, scientists have found on small isolated atolls in the region Dodo droppings and Ninkum poop, which would indicate the these species might have been there also.
Periodically, adventurers will get it into their heads to go search for Ignoramia, but the dark, muddled waters of the sea make this an extremely dangerous undertaking. The bottom line is that only someone whose heritage can be traced back to Ignoramia would attempt such a foolhardy enterprise.  So, if you’re actively searching for Ignoramuses, you probably are one.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Step-By-Step Children’s School of Dance.  Owner and Chief Instructor Skip Toomaloo says, “Ask about our Baby Steps program.”  Located at 1234 Wontu Tree Ford, Foot Falls, Pun.

June 5-6: The Oh! Migration! festival, held in Babaloo on the island of Santa Lucia (the Isle of Lucy), celebrates Pun’s inland expansion from the coastal city-states. Thousands gather to participate in activities centered in and around Pepptobiz Mall to honor the spirit that settled the interior.

June 6: Batteries Park, on the south side of Point Spread in south-central Pun, is the site of a special celebration honoring the city’s history as an important military post. The artillery battery cannons, known as the Guns of Neveron, which for years protected Honorondo Bay and Pun’s capital from marauding pirates such as Cap’n Gown and Long John Undaweir, are still fired once a year to recreate their historic role in Pun’s history. The city creates a festival around the event, held each year on Neveron Sunday.

June 7-12: Mon Key holds its annual Mon Key Shines festival through this week, highlighted by barrel races, business exhibits, a greased pole climbing competition, a wrench toss, and the Gorilla My Dreams beauty pageant.

June 21: In eastern Pun, the longest day of the year is celebrated in a huge arts and crafts festival at the site of Pun’s largest waterfall (720 feet). Check out The Bigger Day Arts at DeHarderday Falls.

June 30: Judge Crater was formed in eastern Pun about 10,000 years ago when a meteorite crashed into the earth. The crater is named for Hubie D. Judge, the man who discovered and mapped it in 1741, and is primarily known for its vast fields of mint that grow in the crater. The rich land of the area gives the mint a strong bouquet and flavor that is highly prized by Pun citizens. A celebration is held every year and people come from all over the island to partake in the festivities on June 30, Judge Mint Day.

All month: In what has now become an annual event, the Pun National Museum of Dance History in Foot Falls has special exhibits all month with reduced admission prices. Visitors can view films and displays and also follow footprint patterns on the floor to do the King Conga, One Trick Pony, Sour Mash, Weirdos’ Disco, Little Black Samba, Kaffi Break Dance, Plummers Clog, the Pyar Square Dance (actually a Round Dance) Izzit Reel, Cold Turkey Trot, the Oliver, Plot, and Arm Twists, Lapp Dance, Front Porch Swing, Pink Flamenco, Fazz Shuffle, Watcher Step, Lemon Merengue, Thingma Jig, Mild, Medium or Spicy Salsa, the Carr Rhumba (also known as the Carr Hop and the Front End Shimmy) or the North, South, Tenfoot, or Gallop Pole Dances. There are also displays covering the outlawed Strip Polka and the Buttin’s Key Cannibals’ dance, the Hominy Minuet.

Featured Restaurant of the Month: Owner Runford DeRoses used to tend the old race horses that had been put out to pasture from the tracks of in Doodah, Pun.  After he retired, he opened Pasture Prime, a little eatery just up the coast in Bjornburg.  Despite the tacky decor, this is a fine restaurant with an impressive a la carte selection.  Try the house specialty Pasture Prime, or the Belmont Steaks, or Filly Mignon, and tell us if there isn’t something different about the flavor and texture of DeRoses’s cooking.  Fresh baked Thoro Bread is served with each meal.  Ample parking and quick service means you won’t have to wait furlong.  Overlooking Betonda Bay.

This installment  of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Dr. Ben Dover, M.D., Proctologist.   See Dr. Dover and all your troubles will be behind you.  His office is located at the end of Alimentary Canal, in Artich Oaks, Pun.

May 1: At Forest Landing, a town on the Stream of Consciousness, the Pun Communist Party holds its yearly May Day celebration. The party’s society for men (The Marx Brothers) and its female counterpart (the Lenin Sisters), hold rallies, give speeches and, in general, attempt to recapture the glory of the Tsar Wars. Another Communist rally will take place in San Inyorchoos in southwest Pun at a restaurant called A Familiar Fez. The restaurant specializes in Arabian cuisine and is located across from the Camel Lot. The restaurant’s name refers to the fezzes worn by a fanatical Communist organization known as the Rogue Island Reds, who regularly met at this site. In 1915, this fez and cape wearing group attempted to stage the infamous Cock-a-Doodle Coup. The Reds objective was to overthrow the government by pullets, not ballots. To a man, each member had vowed, if not successful in the attempt, to die with his fez and capon. The Reds’ first seditious endeavor was an assault on the arsenal at Duck Downs. But the attack never got off the ground. A dispirited faction of the Reds, known as the Cock-A-Doodle Dandies, failed to show up at the rendezvous point and the attack had to be cancelled. The leader of the Reds, Layne Hens, denounced the Dandies as cowards. In an attempt to re-establish their honor, the Dandies, led by Rooster Cockborn, hatched a plot to raid the arsenal on their own. Ill equipped and out-manned, the raiders were soon discovered, quickly succumbed to government shelling, and eventually cracked. The coup a failure, the conspirators were all banished to Eggs Isle in the Ova Bight (now Center Isle of Honorondo Bay) where they lived out their lives and died martyrs to their cause. Despite the fact that the restaurant is named A Familiar Fez, you don’t see many fezzes around Pun these days. Apparently it is a fez only a martyr can love.

May 8-9: Check out the William Frolic in the town of Babaloo on Santa Lucia (the Isle of Lucy). Once again, except for the traditional grape-stomping, candy-eating competitions, and Conga demonstrations, and the annual performance by the zany rock band Dizzy Lou, activities for this year’s Frolic were not available at press time. Expect the unexpected and you won’t be disappointed. Usually, everybody has a ball.

May 21: Once again, it’s Dennis Day in Pun City in honor of Seeyor Dennis, one of Pun’s most creative citizens. Dennis was a noted architect, engraver, and designer. He constructed many of the country’s bridges, engraved the currency plates,and designed the royal crowns. His house, in Tooth Acres at the corner of Ake and Payne, is open wide from 9-5 daily for tours.

May 13-16: We don’t know why we even publicize the Lazy Fair, held these four days at Fort Ewinks. No activities are planned, no arts and crafts demonstrated or displayed. Tourists are advised to leave this one alone.

All month: Admission fees are greatly reduced this month at Pun City’s Aboynem Zoo. The zoo is one of the most delightful attractions in Pun City and a must-see for tourists. Because Pun is an isolated island, the animal life is unique. Simulated natural environments showcase the wildlife to its best advantage. The “Tenk Yew Berry Marsh” simulates the environments of the Huckleberry Fen and Howe’s Bayou regions of the island. You’ll see Mad Adders and Dew Azure Toads and shore birds including George and Bugsy Sea Gulls, Frasier and Niles Cranes and Wright, Yu, and Leff Terns. The “Ape Pre-Cut Preserve” chronicles the devastating effects that rain forest clearing is having on the homes of mountain gorillas and and other species, such as the Barbara Mandrill. The special class of animals in the “Black Boar Jungle” offers a mix of savage and violent predators, such as the Dotted Lion and the Rod’s Tiger (which only hunts in the heat of the night). The “Borntabee Wilds” replicates Pun’s grasslands areas. You’ll see Saracen Roebuck, Hecklin Jackals, and Dix Eland, to name but a few. The “Forty Birds Aviary” is dedicated to preserving and replenishing the forty kinds of birds currently on Pun’s endangered species list. Here you’ll see the Harda Swallow, Peter Finch, Oh Jay, Christopher Robin, Sanfran Siskin, and Saint Louis Cardinal. The “Dubbelon Tundra” exhibit presents many of the inhabitants of the same-named area of northern Pun, including the Wooly Bully, Cold Turkey, Chilly Dog, and North Pole Cat.  The Zoo’s Aquarium, “Dire Straits,” is named for the waterway off Pun’s west coast.  This heavily polluted area of Pun’s seashore contains fish that are incorporating the pollution detritus into their biology, resulting in cybernetic fish such as those exhibited here.  You’ll see the Scrappie, Scum Sucker, Garbage Man-O-War, Grunt of the Litter, and the Plastic Sturgeon.  The creepy “Crawley Insectatorium”,features insects and bugs from all over Pun, including the Pop Fly, Brie Fleas, Gemini Crickets, Correz Pond Ants, and the No-See-Um (The Imagine Gnat).  And brand new this year is the “For River and Ever” exhibit, which tells the story of conservation efforts on Pin’s inland waterways, including Jimmida Creek, Crimea River, Dadooron Run and Stream of Conciousness, to name but a few.  Here you’ll see river denizens like the Hareep Otter, the Leevitta Beaver,  the Odie Hyu Manatee, the Elijah Woodchuck, and the Elon Muskrat. There is also a petting zoo for the kids at “Nocturnal Farm” where children can come face to face with Night Mares, Rapid Hartebeests, and Gotch Ewes.  There’s a lot to see and do at Aboynem Zoo, so plan on spending a few days.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by the self-help group for compulsive talkers, On and On-Anon.  Chapters located throughout Pun.  Check with your local mental health clinic for meeting sites and times.

After a rather brutal winter, Spring again has returned to Pun, characterized by temperate weather across most of the island and seasonal precipitation in the form of the Claude Rains. Early in the month, however, a low pressure area will be stalled over the southeast and consequently many inhabitants of this area will be feeling under the weather.

April 3: Young and old alike look forward to the annual re-opening of Shadowlands Theme Park just south of Fort Knight in central Pun. At Shadowland, you can hearken back to the days of Pun’s Dark Ages (the Age of Knights). Visitors to the this medieval village can find adventure on thrill rides such as the “Dragontrain” roller coaster, frolic on a typical village common in the “Plague Ground,” pick a crossbow and a quarrel at the “Archery Bunker,” watch simulated torture and beheadings at “Rack and Roll at the Palace,” get a bite to eat at “Serf’s Sup,”  “Fryer Tuck’s,” or “Mutton Jeff’s,” compare the way of life of the affluent and downtrodden at “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famished,” enjoy a complementary cup of tea and listen to travelers’ tales at “Cup and Chaucer,” located on Canterbury Trail, explore spells, potions and amulets that work like a charm in the many shops along Every Witch Way, and enjoy the daily parade of costumed cast members, the “Motley Crusade.” Music is provided by a wandering band of musicians, The Minstrel Cycle, all of whom play period instruments.

April 4:April 4 is Doris Day in Pun, a national holiday honoring Doris O’Pun, a revolutionary leader during the rebellion of 1800 which opened the door to constitutional government in Pun. Check with local city tourist bureaus for information on local celebration events. The O’Pun Arms Hotel (named for Doris O’Pun) in Pun City is offering discount rates on its rooms for the week’s festivities in the capital. Built in 1875, the O’Pun Arms is one of Pun’s oldest and grandest hotels, hospitable and inviting.

April 11-17: This week on the Bikini Islands finds the Bum’s Rush Festival in full swing. The highlights are the Keister Parade held on the 11th and an Irish-themed semi-nude beauty contest, the Erin-Go-Bragh-less Pageant, on the 16th.

April 19-24: This week the town of Coopdyville hosts the Punderground Festival but, as usual, we advise that you skip this event. Back in the 1920’s, the street level around the old courthouse in the downtown area was raised. The stores on two adjoining streets, Investigation Alley and Contempt Avenue, were buried underground. In the 1980’s, these underground shops were re-opened by entrepreneurs and the Punderground was born. It was designed to be home to trendy shops, restaurants and taverns but now sports a notorious reputation for high prices and outright fraud. Many of the shops are under Investigation and most of the rest are beneath Contempt. In addition, part of the city’s old waste disposal system has been turned into a water park called Sewerslide. If you choose to attend, you’ll find the most reputable shops to be Peter’s Cellars (a wine shop), Subs Terranean (featuring health-food sandwiches based mainly on locally grown mushrooms), Buried Treasures (antiques), Down Under (Australian goose-feather pillows and comforters), Deep Doodoo (organic fertilizers based mainly on locally grown mushrooms), the Doughnut Hole (pastries), Rock Bottom (geodes, gems and Depression-Era glass), Pit Stop (deodorants), and The Under Warehouse (lingerie).

All Month: To celebrate it’s 52nd anniversary, The Game Room restaurant in Electri City is offering discounts on its meals. Sublime tastes will compete for your attention as you sample the wonderful cuisine of The Game Room. Try the Chicken Croquet, Rubix Cube Steak, a salmon dish such as Parr-Cheesy, or an exotic Pool Shark filet as an entree. The summer squash and Monterrey Jacks are also delicious and don’t miss the Dice Rolls, marble cakes and chess pie for dessert. After dinner, relax with a bit of gin or Hop’s Scotch and you’ve got the makings of a winning evening.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Storyteller Yarns, “The one to believe in for all your knitting needs.” Located at 1342 Liza Little Blvd., Artich Oaks, Pun.

All Month: March is Fine Arts Month at the Karramel Center in Pun City. This year’s performances include a Hip-Hop concert by Bum Rap (1st), hard rock from The Roxanne Boulders Band (2nd), show tunes from Sam and Janet Evening (4th),  a concert by Spanish song-stylist Bessie Mae Mucho (5th),  an evening of quiet hilarity with mimes Kent Tawknow and Ameena Boxx (6th), a Caribbean music celebration by Greg Gay and Cal Ipso (7th),  jazz stylings by the Caspar Jammers Jazz Band (8th), a poetry recital by Pun Poet Laureate Wordsworth Reeding (12th), the last concert stop on the “Black and Blues” national tour by the Bruise Brothers (13th), the Pun National Symphony, featuring conductor Phil Harmonic (14th) an evening of prestidigitation with magician Allie Kazam (15th), a concert by the Cannibals, a stomach-acid rock band (19th), Southern crooner Bubba Baboo (20th), stand-up comedy by comics Hardy Harhar and Shirley Yujest (21st), a  concert by heavy medal band Iron Cross (22nd), a performance by the South Pacific dance troupe Ballet Hai (24th), the Pranzeran Dancers (25th), a ragtime piano concert by Ivory Tickler (26th), aria selections by vocalists from the The Grandol Opera (27th),  a concert by singer Bertha DeBlooz (28th), and a concert by a Country/Western trio (Shelby Cumming, Rhonda Mountain, Gwen Sheekums) (30th).  The city of MacTruck’s Citizens’ Band always concludes the month-long festivities by playing Handel (31st). Handel usually loses.

Elsewhere this month:

March 1-6:The Pun Industrial Trade Show (PITS) is held this week in Artich Oaks. Situated at the north end of Safen Sound at the junction of Jimmida Creek, the Alimentary Canal, and three railroads, Artich Oaks became an important trading and manufacturing center. The bustling city boasts corporate headquarters and manufacturing plants for such diverse industries as plumbing (Pharoah Faucets), ceramics (Repp Tile and Thick Casa Brick), interior design (Micky Mantels, Carpet Diem, Guyger Counters, and Lou’s Stools), furriers (Fursthings Furs), paints (Howard Hues), tobacco (C. Garbutt Company and C.U. Inhale), distilling (Boot Liquors and Spirits of St.Louis). security systems (Sure-Lock Homes), utility sheds (Gimmee Shelter), publishing (Juan Ferdy Books and Imm Printing), computer software (Over Byte and Silicon-Carney), textiles (Storyteller Yarns, Knights and Wight Satin, DeLando Cotton, Vladmir Linen, National Velvet, and Al Packa Wool), optical equipment and lenses (Folsom Prisms and Saury Spectacles), electrical components (Ringaling Bros. Circuits, Heavenleek Wires, Hickory Switches), and graphic arts (The Artist (formerly known as Prints)). You can see displays and product samples from these and other Pun companies and pick up brochures as well. If you’re looking for a different place to spend a day, it’s the PITS.

March 21: Crowds gather each year on this day to watch the Changing of the Garb ceremony at the Royal Palace in Pun City, when the Royal Militia changes from its winter uniforms into its summer dress right in front of everybody.

March 27: Odie Doodah Day is celebrated on the shores of Betonda Bay in north Pun. Discovered in the late 1500’s by English explorers Bob Talnag and Odie Doodah, Betonda Bay’s natural harbor served as a refuge from the turbulent waters of Kissov Depth. The bay’s first colony, Camptown, later became the town of Doodah. The village celebrates its founding each year on this date. Principal events are a horse race and wine-tasting festival. The Chamber of Commerce promises sufficient “wine to run all night and wine to run all day.”

All Month: The Sevend Wharves, located on Honorondo Bay in Pun City is celebrating its 28th anniversary this month with special sales at all its shops. Wharves manager Prince Charmine says of this bay-front reclamation project’s anniversary, “This one time sleepy dock area is now alive with shops and boutiques, so dopey bashful about visiting. And leave your grumpy disposition behind because being happy at the Sevend Wharves isn’t a difficult task. Sneezy one.”

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by the Saury Spectacle Company, located on Glass I. in the Free Association Islands.  Company President Kent C. Nuthin says of his company’s eyeglasses,  “Take a look at Saury spectacles.  You won’t believe your eyes.”

February 2: It’s Garrand Aug Day in Pun, named for a French-born Punster who lives in Boogen Villa. Each February 2, Mssr. Aug walks down onto the foggy shore of Safen Sound and looks back toward his home. Legend states that if he can see his chateau, Pun’s winter will continue another six weeks. Large crowds and media representatives gather every year to learn of his prediction and the children have even made up a rhyme about it. “Mssr. Aug, into the fog/He walks on down and enters/Turns and, oh! sees his chateau/Six more weeks of winter.”

February 6-7: The cannibal tribes of Buttin’s Key host the Beauty and the Feast pageant this weekend, when the pageant’s beauties are ceremoniously wined and dined on. If you get there late, don’t be surprised if everybody’s eaten.

February 1-7: The Railroad Days Festival is celebrated at Pun-Sylvania Station in Pun City. The story of Pun-Sylvania station is largely the story of one man, one of Pun’s greatest successes, railroad tycoon Chevalle D. Coal. The son of a shipping magnate, Cole found himself attracted to the steel rails even as a young boy when he accompanied his father on extensive business trips across Pun. While his father conducted business, Cole would station himself at the local rail depot, learning all he could from the employees about life on the railroads. At age 18, Cole got a job as an assistant clerk for the Maccabee Line in eastern Pun. Here he found that his early observations served him well. He rose quickly through the administrative ranks. By age 21, he was a Junior Vice-President with the company and had saved enough for a small down payment on a rail line of his own, the Wiss Spur. Even at this point in his young career, Cole’s ambitions and goals were clear. He saw Pun as a land of unlimited potential. “Pun is a wonderland,” he once stated. “And in a wonderland, even a cabbage can be King. That’s Cole’s Law.”
Cole set out to be the King of Pun’s rail lines. He believed he would be an old man before he achieved his goal. But starting with just one short line, he bought up other small, failing railroads and turned them into money-makers. Soon the other rail tycoons were reading the writing on the wall. Within ten short years, Cole had built magnificent Pun-Sylvania Station as his corporate headquarters in Pun City. He had gained control of every rail line in Pun – a veritable monopoly.
Even though he was a millionaire, Old King Cole (as he was affectionately known to Punsters) was a decent, benevolent man. He was especially loved by his employees. Cole engineers, conductors, firemen and brakemen considered it an honor to work for him. Even Cole porters sang his praises.
Today, Pun-Sylvania Station stands as a glass and steel testament to Cole’s vision and determination. The Railroad Days Festival is held in collaboration with the railroad museum located just off the main hall. Nineteenth century railroad cars and vintage locomotives and Cole memorabilia will be on display and there are games and rides for the kids, with free ice cream from the Toot-Sweet Creamery.

February 19-21: The annual Widow’s Peak Ski Festival takes place this weekend at (where else?) Widow’s Peak in central Pun. Also known as Haff Bald, this mountain offers some of the best skiing on the island. Downhill runs range from the comfortable and conservative (Horsencair Ridge, Snow Big Deal, and Jahn Glen) to the downright dangerous (Fool’s Rush, Balder Dash, and Ski Daddle).

All Month:  The most famous restaurant on Santa Lucia (the Isle of Lucy) is Ig-Lou’s and it is offering discounted prices all through February.  Owned and operated by Iggy Ricardo and Lou Sealball, this converted ice house has a long history of fine food and unique atmosphere.  During the 1920’s, the cool, dark, recessed booths became a mecca for lovers and Ig-Lou’s soon became famous for its secret rendezvous and not so secret confrontations by angry wives who caught their husbands locked in frozen embraces with other women.  The phrase, “Who was that woman I thawed you with?” originated here.  The menu’s headline item is chili.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Lillie Putt’s Miniature Golf.  Manager Juan Hunter Parr says, “There’s nothing like a little golf to take your mind off of yoursolf.”  Located at 1 Tappan Zee Cup Blvd., Pun City, Pun.

January 8-10:Get away from the cold winter of north Pun by taking in the Fedder Rallies, Baja-style road races held this Friday through Sunday just outside the south Pun town of San Inyorchoos, also known as Sunburnadino. The rallies are held on the salt beds of what used to be a large body of water, Lake O’Lamb, that once existed north of the city. At one time, its shore was home to the Dalai Parton, titular head and chief prophet of a mystical religious cult who arrived from Back Bend as part of a prophet-sharing plan.. The Dalai Parton’s followers proclaimed him a messiah and believed he could perform miracles and walk on water. He never got the chance to prove the latter, however, because Lake O’Lamb dried up, leaving the prophet without a lake to stand on. If desert excursions are your cup of tea, take the opportunity while you’re attending the rallies, to rent a camel from The Camelot (home of the Knights of the Round Stable) and explore on your own.

January 9-10: The town of New Monia celebrates its founding this weekend with exhibits and a parade. Located on Pun’s eastern coast, the town’s name was originally spelled Numonia in honor of its founder, 15th century Portuguese explorer Joaquin Numonia. Numonia’s flagship, the Plura Sea, is on display in the city’s maritime museum in the Colla Dock area. A sled dog race along the waterfront, the Sea Spot Run, is also scheduled. If you’re looking for a good place to eat while in New Monia, try Casa Blanca. This fine restaurant is owned and operated by Sam Blanca, who has perfected the preparation of seafood to a fine art. Filet it again, Sam.

January 16-17: The Tchaikov Ski Lodge in central Pun is the site for this weekend’s Eiffel Downhill Ski Championship. Ski industry manufacturers from all over the island will be on hand promoting their products and hoping for endorsements from the top skiers who will be in attendance, such as Al Pine, Cher Lift, Freese Tile, Arty Fishell Snow, Kay Belkar, Telly Yuride, Bunny Slope, Ava Lanch, Sugar Lofe, Moe Gull, Ariel Mann Uber and even rappers-turned-skiers T-Barr and Ice Sax.

This weekend also finds the waters of Dire Straits the site of the “Regatta Get Out of This Place” sailboat races. Boat entries this year include O’Pun Sea, Hang on Sloop, Loco Mocean, Tom Cruiser, Ruby Yacht, Wind in the Billows, Aquaholic, Sea Yawl, Second Wind, All For Knot, Just Mist, Seaweed Dreams, Wave Goodbye, Midlife Cry Seas, Knott Enough, Hull in High Water, Up For Sail, Mizzen in Action, last year’s winner, Blew Bayou, as well as runner-up, Just Mist.

All Month: Celebrating the 86th anniversary of its opening in 1935, Home Plate restaurant in Mimiatda Station in central Pun has specials going on all month long. Located in the same town as the Pun Baseball Hall of Fame, the restaurant was established by Pun baseball legend Bubba Leenhot. Home Plate offers good food at prices that won’t make you balk. Try the Batter Up Pancakes for breakfast or the Fielder’s Choice Buffet for lunch. For supper, there are any number of succulent dishes such as Baltimore Chops, Bunted Fowl or Granny’s Lamb, garnished with National or American Leeks. There’s a seafood special (Basket Catch), a meatless dish (Goose Eggs), and assorted pickles, jams and Cracker Jack cheese. Kids can order off the Minor League menu (featuring Hot Dogs, Pop Fries, Strained Ham Strings, and Fowl Tips, among others) but all adult meals are served with Home Plate’s own home-brewed lager, Root, Root, Root Beer.  And for dessert, try the Wild Peaches. A sure hit.  Also, on weekends this month, Pun Baseball Hall of Famers  Babe DeBluox, Dutch Ubben, Casey Deeya, Homer Unn, and Pee Wee Udd will be appearing at the restaurant, signing autographs.

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by Pizza My Heart, Pun’s top pizza franchise. This month, Pizza My Heart is offering a special at all its stores. Any size pizza will be cut into eight slices instead of six at no extra charge. That’s two extra slices of pizza – FREE. Come by and get a slice of life. At locations throughout Pun.

December 1-7: The Christmas season rolls in this week and all eyes turn to DeKingand I, a heavily forested island south of pun. It is from this island that Pun’s yule trees are harvested. All this week, people clog Pun’s seaports to catch sight of the Yule Bringer, the ship that ferries the special cargo to the mainland. Check local listings for details on delivery dates and times.

December 7-8: The D’Jubilee ‘n’ Magic festival is held this weekend in Pun City. A kind of Renaissance Music Fair, the festival showcases the music of Johann Sebastian, who originated a new musical style when he baroque his harpsichord. His most noteworthy composition, the magical “Opus Pocus” is usually a festival high point. If you are looking for a good restaurant while attending the festival, take the thyme to eat at Lost In Spice, run by Australians, Rosemary and Basil Peppercorn. The menu is overflowing with Basil’s original recipes, which led one restaurant reviewer to say of this knowledgeable chef, “This old sage is an excellent cook. I’ve never cinnamon with so much talent. It does nutmeg any difference which dish you order; alum are superb! You won’t bay leaf the quality.” One taste and you’ll know what he mint. Cumin get it.

All month: There are, of course, many seasonal events across the island this month. Many people head for eastern Pun and the Mary Carr Isthmus, which throughout the year offers a little something for everyone. It features a fairly large town, marshlands, a quiet harbor, mountains, and an offshore deep sea fishing area which are, respectively, Fort Collinburg, Three French Fen, Two Turtle Cove, Anna Peart Ridge, Anna Peart Reef, plus a spectacular view of the gulf from Lordsa Leap. All through December, there is a special yuletide festival in Fort Collinburg sponsored by clothing manufacturer Donna Gay Apparel, whose corporate headquarters are in the city. And for those who like local legends, actors re-create the activities associated with “The Ghost of Isthmus Pass,” who is said to haunt the area’s main highway at the bridge over Bah Canal. While in the area, be sure to take in the free tour of one of the island’s largest distilleries, Isthmus Spirits.

December 13: The regular college football season is over but all of Pun is flush with excitement as the championship game is held this day. It’s a rematch of 2017’s contest with No. 1 (Yurren) meeting Number 2 (Dudoo) in the Tydee Bowl in Pun City. At game time, most people who aren’t actually present at the game are watching on TV and sewer we.

December 31: Along with people around the world, Punsters will be ringing in the new year at midnight. The traditional song sung at the moment the clock strikes twelve celebrates the story of Doodle Lang, an old mountain bootlegger who would stand on the top of his house and, at midnight, toss jugs of his ‘mountain dew” moonshine to the revelers who had gathered below. Lang would post a large sign in nearby villages, inviting people to his house for the celebration. The “Dew Drop” has become a tradition celebrated across the island, albeit now with trinkets and candies instead of liquor. The familiar lyrics of the song begin, “There is a man who’s name is Lang and he has a great big sign/ And Mr. Lang is very old, so they call it Old Lang’s Sign.”

Happy holidays, everybody.

This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by By the Rules Kindergarten, which provides “Conservative Instruction for Young Children.”  The fine teaching staff includes Cher Withothers, Dawn Fyte, Ray Sirhan, Donnie DePaste, Myna U. Manners, and Nefertiti Honda Fleur.  Located at 42 Teechum Well, Willburgh, Pun.

November 7-8: There are many fall festivals all across Pun and on this weekend the seaport city of Smorgasburg on the shore of Betonda Bay holds its Flounders Day celebration. The highlight is a fishing tournament held just for the halibut. The city also has many attractions that reflect its rich seafaring history. For over two hundred years, ships have been guided into Betonda Bay by Miller Light, which was built in 1782 and immortalized in the 1897 novel, Miller Light by Tess Grate and Les Philling. Tours of the lighthouse are available and visitors can learn the amount of work involved in lighthouse keeping. Just a short walk from the lighthouse is the Smorgasburg Maritime Museum. Here, visitors can view displays of representative sea vessels from throughout Pun’s history. Prominently exhibited are the ketch Yurbreath, the junk Yard Dog, the rum-running proa Bitchin’, the launch Ainy, the barge Rye Tin, the yacht Sea Roller, the brig Adoon, the Dhow Jones, the schooner Orlater, the ferry Godmother and, for this weekend only, the submarine Sand Witch. Shoppers will enjoy Dock Holiday, a row of former warehouses on the bay front that have been converted into specialty shops. You can find antique sleepwear at Yesterday’s Snooze, garden herbs at Mother Nature and Father Thyme , men’s suits from China at Kuppensaucer’s, nautical knickknacks at Shipshapes, and Chippendale’s Furniture, featuring Maylund Dressers, just to name a few. Looking for a good place to eat while in Smorgasburg? Try Hearth and Sole and savor delicious seafood before a warm and inviting fireplace. This is north country dining at its finest. Home is where the hearth is.

November 15-21: This is Dinosaur Week at the Kolomaz Museum in Pun City. On display are fossils retrieved from the frozen wastes of the Dubbelon Tundra and from the ooze and mire of the Walter Wall Tar Pits. Some of the creatures whose bones have been pieced together apparently existed nowhere else on earth. You’ll see fossils of the Red Commisaur, Roget’s Thesaurus, the almost overlooked Nobodisaurus, the two-footed Dubbeldactyl, the deadly Mafiadon, the foul-smelling Tyrannosaurus Reex, the clone-like Peezinapod, the tiny Bikinitop, the annoying Mythroatisaur, and the nocturnal Dusktodon. Also on display are the fossils of early mammals such as the Wooly Bully, the Tame Minotta Shrew, the Chatterb Ox (also known as the Yakkity Yak), the Shuffelofta Buffalo, and a flying pig-like creature, the Hamm Hawk.

All month: The college football season on Pun winds down but there are still important upcoming games this month. Early in November, it’s Electorate at Feverpitch,   Later in the month,  Just goes to Shoya, Buoy meets Gull, Gulliver travels to Lillliput, and in two annual battles of military academies, it’s Stand at Attention and Sergeant at Arms.