This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Burns and Burns Crematory. Use Burns and Burns for a well urned rest. At 2120 Ash Place, Pun City, Pun.

January 8-10:Get away from the cold winter of north Pun by taking in the Fedder Rallies, Baja-style road races held this Friday through Sunday just outside the south Pun town of San Inyorchoos, also known as Sunburnadino. The rallies are held on the salt beds of what used to be a large body of water, Lake O’Lamb, that once existed north of the city. At one time, its shore was home to the Dalai Parton, titular head and chief prophet of a mystical religious cult who arrived from Back Bend as part of a prophet-sharing plan.. The Dalai Parton’s followers proclaimed him a messiah and believed he could perform miracles and walk on water. He never got the chance to prove the latter, however, because Lake O’Lamb dried up, leaving the prophet without a lake to stand on. If dessert excursions are your cup of tea, take the opportunity while you’re attending the rallies, to rent a camel from The Camelot (home of the Knights of the Round Stable) and explore on your own.

January 16-17: The town of New Monia celebrates its founding this weekend with exhibits and a parade. Located on Pun’s eastern coast, the town’s name was originally spelled Numonia in honor of its founder, 15th century Portuguese explorer Joaquin Numonia. Numonia’s flagship, the Plura Sea, is on display in the city’s maritime museum in the Colla Dock area. A sled dog race along the waterfront, the Sea Spot Run, is also scheduled.

January 24-25: The Tchaikov Ski Lodge in central Pun is the site for this weekend’s Eiffel Downhill Ski Championship. Ski industry manufacturers from all over the island will be on hand promoting their products and hoping for endorsements from the top skiers who will be in attendance, such as Al Pine, Bunny Slope, Ava Lanch, Sugar Lofe, Moe Gull and even rapper-turned-skier T-Bar.

This weekend also finds the waters of Dire Straits the site of the “Regatta Get Out of This Place” sailboat races. Boat entries this year include O’Pun Sea, Hang on Sloop, Loco Mocean, Tom Cruiser, Ruby Yacht, Second Wind, Seaweed Dreams, Midlife Cry Seas, the winner for the past two years, Wave Goodbye. as well as last year’s runner up, Just Mist.

All Month: Celebrating the 81st anniversary of its opening in 1935, Home Plate restaurant in Mimiatda Station in central Pun has specials going on all month long. Located in the same town as the Pun Baseball Hall of Fame, the restaurant was established by Pun baseball legend Bubba Leenhot. Home Plate offers good food at prices that won’t make you balk. Try the Batter Up Pancakes for breakfast or the Fielder’s Choice Buffet for lunch. For supper, there are any number of succulent dishes such as Bunted Fowl or Granny’s Lamb, garnished with National or American Leeks. There’s a seafood special (Basket Catch), a meatless dish (Goose Eggs), and assorted pickles and jams. And for dessert, try the Wild Peaches. A sure hit.

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by Hulla Balloons, experts in the field of high-altitude excursions, whose motto is “We’re not just a lot of hot air.” Located at 321 Cara Mia Way, Happy Landing, Pun.

Big News! The discoverers of Pun, Hugo Yurway and Al Gomine, will be at the Market Days Fair in Tallahassee, Florida on December 5 and 6, selling pun maps and guidebooks. They hope to see you there!

December 1-6: The Christmas season rolls in this week and all eyes turn to DeKingand I, a heavily forested island south of pun. It is from this island that Pun’s yule trees are harvested. All this week, people clog Pun’s seaports to catch sight of the Yule Bringer, the ship that ferries the special cargo to the mainland. Check local listings for details on delivery dates and times.

December 5-6: The D’Jubilee ‘n’ Magic festival is held this weekend in Pun City. A kind of Renaissance Music Fair, the festival showcases the music of Johann Sebastian, who originated a new musical style when he baroque his harpsichord. His most noteworthy composition, the magical “Opus Pocus” is usually a festival high point. If you are looking for a good place to eat while attending the festival, try Paree Maison, one of Pun’s oldest and finest restaurants. The house specialty is a variation of a pressed duck, called a Pulled Drake. The children will like the chopped sirloin dish, the Hamilton Burger. Drinks are served in mason jars, but nobody objects. You be the judge. There are two locations,on Della St. and on Seeyuin Ct.

There are, of course, many seasonal events across the island this month. Many people head for eastern Pun and the Mary Carr Isthmus, which throughout the year offers a little something for everyone. It features a fairly large town, marshlands, a quiet harbor, mountains, and an offshore deep sea fishing area which are, respectively, Fort Collinburg, Three French Fen, Two Turtle Cove, Anna Peart Ridge, Anna Peart Reef, plus a spectacular view of the gulf from Lordsa Leap. All through December, there is a special yuletide festival in Fort Collinburg sponsored by clothing manufacturer Donna Gay Apparel, whose corporate headquarters are in the city. And for those who like local legends, actors re-create the activities associated with “The Ghost of Isthmus Pass,” who is said to haunt the area’s main highway at the bridge over Bah Canal. While in the area, be sure to take in the free tour of one of the island’s largest distilleries, Isthmus Spirits.

December 14: A long awaited album will be released today, Filet of Soul by Fisher Cutbate. Marimba-ologist Fisher Cutbate heads an all-star cast of musicians in this follow up to last year’s successful album For the Halibut. Songs this time include “Not Tonight, I Have a Haddock,” “Clam Up and Jellyfish Tight,” “An American Tuna,” “Your Shellfish Love,” “Bass-Ackwards,” “Mullet Over,” and “Like a Sturgeon (For the Very First Time)”

December 31: Along with people around the world, Punsters will be ringing in the new year at midnight. The traditional song sung at the moment the clock strikes twelve celebrates the story of Doodle Lang, an old mountain bootlegger who would stand on the top of his house and, at midnight, toss jugs of his ‘mountain dew” moonshine to the revelers who had gathered below. Lang would post a large sign in nearby villages, inviting people to his house for the celebration. The “Dew Drop” has become a tradition celebrated across the island, albeit now with trinkets and candies instead of liquor. The familiar lyrics of the song begin, “There is a man who’s name is Lang and he has a great big sign/ And Mr. Lang is very old, so they call it Old Lang’s Sign.”

Happy Holidays everyone!

This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by The Bridal Path Wedding Consultants. Owner Gwen Toody Chapel says, “When you’re through horsing around, we’ll help you rope him in, bit by bit.” Located on Center Isle, Pun.

November 7-8: There are many fall festivals all across Pun and on this weekend the seaport city of Smorgasburg on the shore of Betonda Bay holds its Flounders Day celebration. The highlight is a fishing tournament held just for the halibut. The city also has many attractions that reflect its rich seafaring history. For the last two hundred years, ships have been guided into Betonda Bay by Miller Light, which was built in 1782 and immortalized in the 1897 novel, Miller Light by Tess Grate and Les Philling. Tours of the lighthouse are available and visitors can learn the amount of work involved in lighthouse keeping. Just a short walk from the lighthouse is the Smorgasburg Maritime Museum. Here, visitors can view displays of representative sea vessels from throughout Pun’s history. Prominently exhibited are the ketch Yurbreath, the launch Ainy, the barge Rye Tin, the schooner Orlater, and the ferry Godmother. Shoppers will enjoy Dock Holiday, a row of former warehouses on the bayfront that have been converted into specialty shops. You can find antique sleepwear at Yesterday’s Snooze, garden herbs at Mother Nature and Father Thyme , men’s suits from China at Kuppensaucer’s, and nautical knickknacks at Shipshapes, just to name a few. Looking for a good place to eat while in Smorgasburg? Try the Hearth and Sole and savor delicious seafood before a warm and inviting fireplace. This is north country dining at its finest. Home is where the hearth is.

November 9-15: This is Dinosaur Week at the Kolomaz Museum in Pun City. On display are fossils retrieved from the frozen wastes of the Dubbelon Tundra and from the ooze and mire of the Walter Wall Tar Pits. Some of the creatures whose bones have been pieced together apparently existed nowhere else on earth. You’ll see fossils of the Roget’s Thesaurus, the almost overlooked Nobodisaurus, the two-footed Dubbeldactyl, the deadly Red Commisaur, the foul-smelling Tyrannosaurs Reex, and the nocturnal Dusktodon. Also on display are the fossils of early mammals such as the Wooly Bully, the Tame Minotta Shrew, the Shuffelofta Buffalo, and a flying pig-like creature, the Hamm Hawk.

November 20: Many books are released during this pre-holiday season and one of the most anticipated this year is in the Sci-Fi genre. The last time we met author Tempest Fugit’s time travelling physician protagonist, Dr. Red Pepper, was in last year’s best selling novel, A Stitch in Time. The plot centered on Dr. Pepper’s kidnapping by time bandits to the year 2099 where the memory banks of surgery-performing computers were inadvertently erased, necessitating the skill and knowledge of a practicing heart surgeon to save the life of a political leader and the world from the brink of Armageddon. In Ms. Fugit’s current book, Back to the Suture, Pepper, now with the knowledge of time travel, journeys into the past to save the lives of various historical figures whose survival would alter the course of history. Additionally, he also recruits a ragtag band of misfit cardioligists and surgical technician rejects to travel through time with him, scrubbing for cardiac operations that are crucial to the molding and shaping of future events. Will this renegade heart-scrub team succeed? As entertaining as Back to the Suture is, it leaves the question unanswered. The reader will have to wait until next year’s publication of Fugit’s final installment of the Dr. Pepper triogy, Surgeon Pepper’s Lowly Heart-Scrub Band.

All month: The college football season on Pun winds down but there are still important upcoming games this month. Smyling faces Tellize, Frazier slugs it out with Alley, Hoast entertains Gestz, Stagg is at Bay, and Equalines will square off with Rytangles.

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by Hedda Mupp and Moe Vemout, Cattle Auctioneers, where you’ll never get a bum steer. Located in Maidenfarm, Pun

October 3-: Pun’s Baseball Championship Series gets underway as the Baskin Robins, led by manager “Scoop” Ertoo take on the Pun Slingers, led by manager Theophilus Punoval.

October 10: October 10 is Independence Day on Pun. In 1791, the death of the Great Pun King, Charlebrown, resulted in a political vacuum because he left no heir. This led to a titanic struggle among Pun’s nobility for control of the ship of state. Eventually, through four years of back-stabbing, arm-twisting and throat-cutting, Lord Elordi of St Spreservus succeeded in dismembering the body politic and emerged as the head of a new political force that he ruled with an iron hand. He was crowned the new monarch in 1795. Elordi’s rise to power was so steeped in treachery that it is no wonder that his government soon found itself in hot water. His oppressive laws and taxes brought tensions to a boiling point and in 1800, Pun exploded in open rebellion. Elordi was backed by the aristocracy while the rebel front was made up of lesser nobility and the common people. Elordi viewed the commoners with disgust. “The people are revolting,” he said. “They have no reason to complain. They are a rabble without a cause.” The two sides met in a climactic battle in the streets of Pun City in 1802. The rebels stormed Bustov Palace (the royal residence) and captured the king. In exchange for his life, Elordi was forced to sign the Countov Manifesto, which established a constitutional monarchy and provided for an elected parliament as the legislative branch of government. This was great victory for the common people who, for the first time, were to have a voice in their country’s future. The day is commemorated across the island by fireworks displays and parades. Before the parade in Pun City, catch the Ouida Peeple Pre-Amble(named for a revolutionary martyr) through the streets of the city. The Grand Marshalls for the Pun City parade are the Chief Historians for the Pun City National Museum, Ira Member and Anne Tickwiddy. Check local sources for information about celebration details in other areas.

October 10-11: Ore Chasm in central Pun hosts the Flourish of Strumpets festival. Ore Chasm was a productive gold mining area in the late 1800’s and there are still many places in Ore Chasm where people still scratch and claw nuggets out of the once ore-rich rock. The festival celebrates the area’s history and features a hoedown on the floor of the ballroom of the homestead of Lady Moneydown, wife of Lord Halfmercy.

October 24-25: The artist’s colony of Sound Retreat on Veronica lake in central Pun is host to an art sale and wine tasting during the Arts and Carafe festival this weekend. Veronica Lake is is another of Pun’s beautiful lakes and offers boating, fishing, camping and water-skiing activities during summer months. The artists colony of Sound Retreat is on the lake’s south shore. It’s guest list reads like a Who’s Who of Pun’s artistic heriage. Over the years, the colony has been temporary home to the poets Tennyson Ewon, Whittier Want, Odette Burns, Sol Longfellow, R.U. Donne, Marshall Dylan, and Wordsworth Reading. Artists such as L.O. Dali, Herve Gaugain, E.Z. Monet, and Geddup Van Gogh have also sojourned here, enjoying the peace, tranquility, and beauty of this lake settlement.

All month: College football continues across the island. In standout games, Aylienne visits Erth, Possum plays Dedd, Iam at Witsend, Juss goes to Showya, Gaddabout is at home against Allodds and, in a late game, it’s Gnus at Elebben.

This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by the Y. D. Wake Sleep Disorder Clinic. The Y. D. Wake Center is open 24 hours a day and located at 1847 Countsheep Run (next to Fitfulse Lumber) in Fort Ewinks, Pun. The Center’s Director is Lollie Bye.

As autumn begins on the islands of Pun and the Free Associations, the weather begins to turn foul. High winds, known as the Fish Gales, blow across the region, producing a wholly mackerel sky. High level storm clouds, comprised of whirled cirrus, bring baseball-sized hail. There is usually a two-week respite from the steadily declining temperatures. This period of “Indian Summer” is accompanied by Apache Fog.

August 31-September 6:The first week in September is designated as “Gnu’s Week” on Pun, which is celebrated annually to honor Pun’s national symbols, Goode Gnus.See local sources for celebration details for each community.

September 5-6: The Common Coal Festival is held in the Gesund Heights in Central Pun. The festival consists of displays of mountain arts and crafts, many of which are made with the wood of trees indigenous to the area such as the Aw-Aw Cashew. Also on display are coal industry exhibits which attempt to demonstrate that the importance of coal to the economy is nothing to sneeze at.

September 5: College football kicks off in the Tydee Bowl in Pun City as Wotsamadda U hosts cross-town rival Joe College. In other games of interest, Possum plays Dedd, Bachelor plays DeField, Thom Sawyer plays Hooky, Model battles Anna Rexia, and Whole Country goes to Helena Hanbasket. In addition, due to a scheduling error, Titanic finds itself playing two games this weekend; first Titanic meets Iceburgh and then takes on Wadder.

September 20-26: Santa Lucia, on Pun’s west coast, is host to the Maiden Fair, which runs through the entire week. The highlight of this Renaissance-style fair is the “Joust Between Friends,” which gives fair-goers a pointed reminder of what Pun life was like during the island’s feudal period.

September 27-October3: The “Pirate Days Festival” is held in the southern Pun City of Seville to commemorate the city’s history as a pirate base in the late 1700’s. The pirate influence on Seville remains evident even today. The homes of pirates Long John Undaweir and Cap’n Gown still stand and are open for tours during the festival. At Booty Rest, a local cemetery where pirates were said to have buried some of their treasures, lie the remains of James Teach, alleged cousin of Edward Teach, who was known as Blackbeard. James Teach was known as Blackboard and also Jungle Jim. The festival is held near the Old Harbor Market, which is preserved as it was in its heyday when plunder from pirate raids – foods wines, cloth, and jewels – was sold openly at exorbitant prices. Pirate corn, for example, was a buccaneer. Looking for a place to stay while in Seville for the festival? Try the Poopdeck Hotel. Many of the inns and hotels in Seville have adopted a nautical motif, reflective of the city’s history as a pirate base. The Poopdeck does it up big. The tip-hungry bellhops are all dressed in sailor suits (wolves in ship’s clothing), the restrooms off the lobby are labelled “Buoys” and “Gulls,” and each guest’s room features a live parrot on a stand, which probably explains the hotel’s name. Even local floozies parade through the lobby dressed as pirates (Yo-Ho-‘Ho’s”), which in turn, explains why the hotel was originally know as the Admiral Bimbo Inn. Just across the street from the Poopdeck is The Pirate’s Blade, a restaurant where tasty food and good service provide an edge over the local competition. The house specialties are the swordfish and veal cutlass.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Pun psychotherapist Sue Pareego. Thinking of getting help from a psychotherapist? Dr. Pareego says, “Let me know what you have in mind.” Her office in at 4 Honor Couchive Ln. in Pun City.

August 1-31: For the entire month of August, the Dog Days celebration takes place in Baskerville in northwestern Pun. Baskerville is widely known as the dog-breeding capital of the island. Many breeds of dogs, found only on Pun, originated here, including the the Allyn Shepherd, the Penny Pinscher, the Johnathon Livingstone Beagle, the Beemiup Scottie, the Angela Basset, and the Jimmy Crack Cairn. Many activities are planned and include free trips across the Bay of DeHounds on the Hounds Tooth Ferry. The festivities conclude on the 31st with the National Dog Show finals and the naming of the Best Dog in Show, won for two years in a row by Perro, an Habla Spaniel. Another highlight of the show is the customery singing of the puppy judges song, “I’m Going to Sit Right Down and Rate Myself a Litter.”

August 1-2: Nachos Island, off Pun’s southers coast, hosts the Chili con Carnival, with its chili cooking competition. Last year, a new category – Hot and Sole – was added to introduce fish chili to the competition and was a big success. Commemorative T-shirts of the cook-off are available and feature the carnival slogan, “Bean There – Downed That.”

August 15-16: Courtens Park in Pun City is the site of this year’s National Kiss-Off, where couples kiss and try to be the last one off the buss. Once again, the competition’s festivities include romantic poetry recitations by Pun’s Poet Laureate Wordsworth Reading, and love songs sung by Spanish songstress Bessie Mae Mucho.

This Month’s Featured City: Kukuborough, Pun’s famed “City of the Cuckoos,” is named after a brightly-plumed bird that eats nothing but nuts and bananas. The city is the television and motion picture capital of Pun. All of Pun’s major film companies are located here, including Original Cinema, Sope Films, Chizzelt Features, and Cinema Beach. Tours of all the studios are available.
Kukuborough began as a relatively quiet farming community in the mid-1800’s; it’s only claim to fame was that it was the birthplace of Briggs N. Stratton, founder of Honest Engine, one of Pun’s largest manufacturers of farming equipment. But all that changed in 1913 when entrepreneur Richard Famous (also known as “Movie Dick”) built his Original Cineme studio. As it turned out, Movie Dick was no fluke. During the next fifty years, he produced hundreds of successful motion pictures such as Tequila Mockingbird, The Sound of Muzak, From Her to Paternity,and Conan the Librarian, to name but a few.
Because of the glitter and glamor of the film industry, Kukuborough has emerged as the island’s trend setter. Every new fad seems to begin here, every new wrinkle in fashion, every drift in current thinking. The city is home to The Donut Center for Holistic Philosophy and The Lickwood Center for Pop Cyclical Studies.
In addition to the studio tours, many other of Kukuborough sites attract tourists. Start with Shuttuppen Drive, Kukuborough’s famous “Strip,” lined with restaurants, nightclubs, and specialty gift shops that cater to the expensive tastes of the city’s jet set. The fine jewelry store, Stiffany’s is here as well as high-end clothiers such as Socks, Fifth Avenue.
Head north on Shuttuppen Drive, turn right on DeMoney and suddenly you’re in Bubbly Hills, the city’s elite neighborhood of of palatial homes and well-manicured lawns. For most tourists, Bubbly Hills is the first step on the champagne tour of Kukuborough. Drive through, take a guided tour, or just walk through the neighborhood on a leisurely star trek.
Another of Kukuborough’s famous locales is Sunny Tufts, the city’s memorial cemetery. It is the last resting place of many of Pun’s noted film stars who are able to spend eternity as they did in the major parts of their reel lives, immersed in shallow half-baked plots.
Don’t leave Kukuborough without visiting Maymen Mall, the largest shopping center in Pun, featuring over 350 shops. There is something for everyone at Maymen Mall. Phil’s Harmonics is a classical music store, the Peek-A-Boutique features lingerie, antique clocks are available at A Show of Hands, big and tall fashions can be found at Hugh Monga’s and Fat Chance, maternity wear at Frocked Up, flowers at Orlando Blooms, footwear at Bruce Wade Shoes and Das Boot, and home furnishings at Sue Cossa.
Looking for a fun place to eat? Try The Brown Hurby-Curby. This little restaurant, shaped like a little brown refuse container, is famous as a celebrity meeting place. The back room of the establishment is where noted actress Lotta Cleavage was discovered. It is also the site of the death of well-known actor Roman Hands, with whom Lotta was discovered. The foods are plantiful, rich and famous. Try the Kevin Bacon, Lorne Greens, Okra Winfrey, Anne Rice, and the Rocky Road ice cream, replete with Chuckberries and Gregg Almonds.

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by Shottie Construction Company. For all your new construction and renovation projects, consider Shottie Construction. Company President Hy Biltham Shottie says, “Shottie workmanship always shows.” Located at 100 Lower Valhugh Road, Pun City, Pun.

July 6-11: A surfing competition and subsequent crowning of the “Chairman of the Board” are part of the DeGraydis Capers week at (where else) DeGraydis Cape on Pun’s southern coast. Please note that although the surfing competition is still scheduled, the event is subject to postponement due to the presence of sharks in the area. Recent sightings of Lone, Carde, and Poole Sharks have festival organizers worried. Last year, surfing contestant Pye Pline had a toe bitten off by a shark and had to withdraw from the Hang Ten competition.

July 11: Northern Pun’s city of Smorgasburg hosts its annual Rat Race (also known as the C.Howdy Run), a 10-K event held each July along the shoreline of Betonda Bay. Last year’s winners were Hedda Depak and Amahl Tuckerdout. If you like to get your exercise on the dance floor, you might try Smorgasburg’s Swedish Meet Ball, held in conjunction with the Rat Race. This marathon dance is held in the ballroom of the Swede Dreams Hotel. While in Smorgasburg, we recommend dining at The Shipyard. This converted dockside warehouse, formerly known as the Barge Inn, is owned by Abel Seaman, a former whaler captain and current president of the Pun Sperm Bank. The Shipyard’s menu includes subs, steamers of clams, and a ketch of the day, all of which can be washed down with a schooner of ale. Yawl come out for launch and eat a yacht.

July 17: The local mental health clinics of Grape harbor benefit from the proceeds of a wine-tasting celebration during the Days of Wine and Neuroses festival kicking off on the 17th and running through the weekend. Grape Harbor and the Rio McCoy valley to the northeast comprise Pun’s wine country Vineyards are everywhere and produce wines for every taste. A partial listing of those available at the wine tasting include Bridgette Bordeaux – a light French-style wine that ages beautifully; Hello Madeira – a good introductory wine, light, pleasant, complimentary, promising better things; Wotz-Rongwitt Medoc – A curious wine, hard to define, tasting expensive but leaving a question on the palate; Garland-Avery Port – a low-class wine for the non-discriminating wine drinker; Madam Moselle – an exciting but underage wine that makes up in vitality what it lacks in depth and maturity; and Ringsov Sauterne – one of Pun’s most potent wines – one or two glasses will knock you flat on Uranus.

July 27-31: The Pun National SETI Conference opens in St. Spreservus in southern Pun and is open to the public. SETI stands for Search for Evidential Traces of Ignoramia. The conference offers lectures and exhibits about the curiious island of Ignoramia. Don’t bother looking for Ignoramia on any recent maps of Pun and the Free Association Islands; it isn’t there. Ignoramia is is a legendary lost island, said to have sunk into Luna Sea under the weight of its own ineptitude.
Little is known about the land. Its form of government appears to have been an idiocracy – government by the stupid. Its Parliament, known as Fools’ Circle, was made of of 1000 Ignoramuses who met on the Asinine Heights mountain top of Numm’s Skull (also known as Bone Head and Addle Pate). So incompetent were its leaders that Ignoramia was also known as the Land of 1000 Dunces. Even the island’s forests were dense. The Black Forest, for example, was so dense that not even light escaped. Ignoramia had few cities. Those that did exist (Simpleton, Slow Downs, Oaf) were surrounded by thick walls, set at obtuse angles to one another.
There is some evidence that some Ignoramuses made their way to Pun, apparently brought in by dope smugglers. No other flora and fauna are known to have survived. Animals thought to have lived on the island include the Sillee Ass and the Lumm Ox. In addition, scientists have found on small isolated atolls in the region Dodo droppings and Ninkum poop, which would indicate the these species might have been there also.
Periodically, adventurers will get it into their heads to go search for Ignoramia, but the dark, muddled waters of the sea make this an extremely dangerous undertaking. The bottom line is that only someone whose heritage can be traced back to Ignramia would attempt such a foolhardy enterprise, so if you’re actively searching for Ignoramuses, you probably are one.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by Bootie and Sole, offering shoes for all ages. Remember Bootie and Sole’s jingle – “For leather and lace, this is the place. From cradle to grave, we’ll fit and you’ll rave.” Located at 14EEE High Arch Way, Doctor Shoals, Pun. Garand “Tito” Fitt, proprietor.

June 1-6: The Oh! Migration! festival, held in Babaloo on the island of Santa Lucia (the Isle of Lucy), celebrates Pun’s inland expansion from the coastal city-states. Thousands gather to participate in activities centered in and around Pepptobiz Mall to honor the spirit that settled the interior.

June 7: Batteries Park, on the south side of Point Spread in south-central Pun, is the site of a special celebration honoring the city’s history as an important military post. The artillery battery cannons, known as the Guns of Neveron, which for years protected Honorondo Bay and Pun’s capital from marauding pirates such as Long John Undaweir, are still fired once a year to recreate their historic role in Pun’s history. The city creates a festival around the event, held each year on Neveron Sunday.

June 14-20: Mon Key holds its annual MonKey Shines festival through this week, highlighted by barrel races, business exhibits, a wrench toss, and the Gorilla My Dreams beauty pageant.

June 22: In eastern Pun, the longest day of the year is celebrated in a huge arts and crafts festival at the site of Pun’s largest waterfall (720 feet). Check out The Bigger Day Arts at DeHarderday Falls.

June 30: Judge Crater was formed in eastern Pun about 10,000 years ago when a meteorite crashed into the earth. The crater is named for Hubie D. Judge, the man who discovered and mapped it in 1741, and is primarily known for its vast fields of mint that grow in the crater. The rich land of the area gives the mint a strong bouquet and flavor that is highly prized by Pun citizens. A celebration is held every year and people come from all over the island to partake in the festivities on June 30, Judge Mint Day.

All month: In what has now become an annual event, the Pun National Museum of Dance History in Foot Falls has special exhibits all month with reduced admission prices. Visitors can view films and displays and also follow footprint patterns on the floor to do the King Conga, Sour Mash, Little Black Samba, the Pyar Square Dance (actually a Round Dance) Izzit Reel, Lemon Twist, Fazz Shuffle or the Carr Rhumba (also known as the Carr Hop and the Front End Shimmy). There are also displays covering the outlawed Strip Polka and the Buttin’s Key Cannibals’ dance, the Hominy Minuet.

Featured Restaurant of the Month: Shakespeare’s Hamlet: Measure for measure, this is old English cuisine served as you like it. Start with MacBroth, add Julius Caesar Salad, Romanov and Juliennes, Merchantoff Venison and, for dessert, Oh! Jello! What foods these morsels be.

The May installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by the Y.D Wake Sleep Disorder Clinic. Directed by Lula Bye, the clinic is located at 1847 Countsheep Run (next to Fitfulse Lumber), Fort Ewinks, Pun. Open 24 hours a day.

May 1: At Forest Landing, a town on the Stream of Consciousness, the Pun Communist Party holds its yearly May Day celebration. The party’s society for men (The Marx Brothers) and its female counterpart (the Lenin Sisters), hold rallies, give speeches and, in general, attempt to recapture the glory of the Tsar Wars. Another Communist rally will take place in San Inyorchoos in southwest Pun at a restaurant called A Familiar Fez. The restaurant specializes in Arabian cuisine and is located across from the Camel Lot. The restaurant’s name refers to the fezzes worn by a fanatical Communist organization known as the Rogue Island Reds. In 1915, this fez and cape wearing group attempted to stage the infamous Cock-a-Doodle Coup. The Reds objective was to overthrow the government by pullets, not ballots. To a man, each member had vowed, if not successful in the attempt, to die with his fez and capon. The Reds’ first seditious endeavor was an assault on the arsenal at Duck Downs. But the attack never got off the ground. A dispirited faction of the Reds, known as the Cock-A-Doodle Dandies, failed to show up at the rendevouz point and the attack had to be cancelled. The leader of the Reds, Layne Hens, denounced the Dandies as cowards. In an attempt to re-establish their honor, the Dandies, led by Rooster Cockborn, hatched a plot to raid the arsenal on their own. Ill equipped and out-manned, the raiders were soon discovered, quickly succumbed to government shelling, and eventually cracked. The coup a failure, the conspirators were all banished to Eggs Isle in the Ova Bight (now Center Isle of Honorondo Bay) where they lived out their lives and died martyrs to their cause. Despite the fact that the restaurant is named A Familiar Fez, you don’t see many fezzes around Pun these days. Apparently it is a fez only a martyr can love.

May 9-10: Check out the William Frolic in the town of Babaloo on Santa Lucia (the Isle of Lucy). Except for the traditional grape-stomping and candy-eating competitions and a the annual performance by the zany rock band Dizzy Lou, activities for this year’s Frolic were not available at press time. Expect the unexpected and you won’t be disappointed. Usually, everybody has a ball.

May 21: Once again, it’s Dennis Day in Pun City in honor of Seeyor Dennis, one of Pun’s most creative citizens. Dennis was a noted architect, engraver, and designer. He constructed many of the country’s bridges, engraved the currency plates,and designed the royal crowns. His house, in Tooth Acres at the corner of Ake and Payne, is open wide from 9-5 daily for tours.

May 21-24: WE don’t know why we even publicize the Lazy Fair, held these four days at Fort Ewinks. No activities are planned, no arts and crafts demonstrated or displayed. Tourists are advised to leave this one alone.

All month: Admission fees are greatly reduced this month at Pun City’s Aboynem Zoo. The zoo is one of the most delightful attractions in Pun City and a must-see for tourists. Because Pun is an isolated island, the animal life is unique. Simulated natural environments showcase the wildlife to its best advantage. The Tenk Yew Berry Marsh” simulates the environments of the Huckleberry Fen and Howe’s Bayou regions of the island. You’ll see Mad Adders and Dew Azure Toads. The “Ape Pre-Cut Preserve” chronicles the devastating effects that rainforest clearing is having on the homes of mountain gorillas and and other species. The special class of animals in the “Black Boar Jungle” offers a mix of savage and violent predators, such as the Dotted Lion and the Rod’s Tiger (which only hunts in the heat of the night). The “Borntabee Wilds” replicates Pun’s grasslands areas. You’ll see Saracen Roebuck, Hecklin Jackals, and Dix Eland, to name but a few. There is also a petting zoo for the kids at “Nocturnal Farm” where children can come face to face with Night Mares, Rapid Hartebeests, and Gotch Ewes. Aboynem Zoo is located at the corner of Wilde and Woo Lee. Plan on spending at least a full day.

This installment of “This Month in Pun” is brought to you by A Cut Above – Tree Surgeons. Contact R. Axel Fellum, Chief Surgeon, who says, “Our bite is worse than your bark.” Locations throughout Pun with corporate headquarters at 223 Wendy Bough Braxe Road, Fort Etrees, Pun.

After a particularly severe winter, Spring again has returned to Pun, characterized by temperate weather across most of the island and seasonal precipitation in the form of the Claude Rains. Early in the month, however, a low pressure area will be stalled over the northeast and consequently many inhabitants of this area will be feeling under the weather.

April 4: April 4 is Doris Day in Pun, a national holiday honoring Doris O’Pun, a revolutionary leader during the rebellion of 1800 which opened the door to constitutional government in Pun. Check with local city tourist bureaus for information on local celebration events. The O’Pun Arms Hotel (named for Doris O’Pun) in Pun City is offering discount rates on its rooms for the weekend festivities in the capital. Built in 1875, the O’Pun Arms is one of Pun’s oldest and grandest hotels, hospitable and inviting.

April 11: Young and old alike look forward to the annual re-opening of Shadowlands Theme Park just south of Fort Knight in central Pun. At Shadowland, you can hearken back to the days of Pun’s Dark Ages (the Age of Knights). Visitors to the this medieval village can find adventure on thrill rides such as the “Dragontrain” roller coaster, frolic on a typical village common in the “Plague Ground,” watch simulated torturs and beheadings at “Rack and Roll at the Palace,” or get a bite to eat at “Serf’s Up.” Music is provided by a wandering band of musicians, The Minstrel Cycle, all of whom play period instruments.

April 11-18: This week on the Bikini Islands finds the Bum’s Rush Festival in full swing. The highlights are the Keister Parade held on the 11th and an Irish-themed semi-nude beauty contest, the Erin-Go-Bragh-less Pageant, on the 18.

April 20-26: This week the town of Coopdyville hosts the Punderground Festival but, as usual, we advise that you skip this event. Back in the 1920s, the street level around the old courthouse in the downtown area was raised. The stores on two adjoining streets, Investigation Alley and Contempt Avenue, were buried underground. In the 1980s, these underground shops were re-opened by entrepreneurs and the Punderground was born. It was designed to be home to trendy shops, restaurants and taverns but now sports a notorious reputation for high prices and outright fraud. Many of the shops are under Investigation and most of the rest are beneath Contempt. In addition, part of the city’s old sewer system has been turned into a water park called Sewerslide. If you choose to attend, you’ll find the most reputable shops to be Peter’s Cellars (a wine shop), Subs Terranean (featuring health-food sandwiches based mainly on locally grown mushrooms), Buried Treasures (antiques), Deep Doodoo (organic fertilizers based mainly on locally grown mushrooms), the Doughnut Hole (pastries), and The Under Warehouse (lingerie).

All Month: Huckleberry is a small picturesque fishing village on the west shore of the Bay of DeHounds. The waterfront at Marina Harrah is the site of A Thousand Tanks, the Pun Oceanographic Institute. This month, you can tour the institute and learn of new and exciting areas of marine exploration. Recently, the institute has been studying the Drum Fish (or Gene Grouper), one of a family of Percussion Fish, which make small explosive sounds to as a symbol of territoriality and to attract and snare their prey. The Drum Fish and others in the Percussion family, such as the Glockensp Eel, the Tamb Marine, and the Ringo Starfish, often turn up in the nets of local tri-anglers and are of great interest to marimba-ologists.