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This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by The Dropped Leaf, which proclaims “We specialize in distressed furniture. See us for ruptured desks, dented canopies, loose stools, and game-legged card tables.” Located at the corner of Olde and Wirthless, on The Battery in Point Spread, Pun.

Big News! The discoverers of Pun, Hugo Yurway and Al Gomine, will be at the Market Days Fair in Tallahassee, Florida on December 6 and 7, selling pun maps and guidebooks. They hope to see you there!

December 1-7: The Christmas season rolls in this week and all eyes turn to DeKingand I, a heavily forested island south of pun. It is from this island that Pun’s yule trees are harvested. All this week, people clog Pun’s seaports to catch sight of the Yule Bringer, the ship that ferries the special cargo to the mainland. Check local listings for details on delivery dates and times.

December 6-7: The D’Jubilee ‘n’ Magic festival is held this weekend in Pun City. A kind of Renaissance Music Fair, the festival showcases the music of Johann Sebastian, who originated a new musical style when he baroque his harpsichord. His mote noteworthy composition, the magical “Opus Pocus” is usually a festival high point. If you are looking for a good place to eat while attending the festival, take the thyme to eat at Lost in Spice, run by Australians Basil and Rosemary Peppercorn. The menu is overflowing with Basil’s original recipes, which led one restaurant reviewer to say, “I’ve never cinnamon with such talent. It does nutmeg any difference which dish you order, alum are superb. You won’t bay leaf the quality.” One taste and you’ll know what he mint. Cumin get it.

There are, of course, many seasonal events across the island this month. Many people head for eastern Pun and the Mary Carr Isthmus, which throughout the year offers a little something for everyone. It features a fairly large town, marshlands, a quiet harbor, mountains, and an offshore deep sea fishing area which are, respectively, Fort Collinburg, Three French Fen, Two Turtle Cove, Anna Peart Ridge, Anna Peart Reef, plus a spectacular view of the gulf from Lordsa Leap. All through December, there is a special yuletide festival in Fort Collinburg sponsored by clothing manufacturer Donna Gay Apparel, whose corporate headquarters are in the city. And for those who like local legends, actors re-create the activities associated with “The Ghost of Isthmus Pass,” who is said to haunt the area’s main highway at the bridge over Bah Canal. While in the area, be sure to take in the free tour of one of the island’s largest distilleries, Isthmus Spirits.

December 19: A long awaited novel will be released today at bookstores throughout Pun. Catching the killer of female bootblack Bess Foote Forwart is the task for private eye Doyle M. Fermerder in the new Juan Moore/Stephanie Getzit mystery Ain’t No Shoeshine When She’s Gone. Set in the Pun town of Doctor Shoals, the story gains considerable atmosphere from the city’s sordid history as a refuge for footpads, loafers, and arch-villains. Moore and Getzit use this atmosphere as they take the reader on an exhilarating chase, hot on the killer’s trail, from the back alleys of Doctor Shoals to a military boot camp on the Foote Steppes. You’ll have to read the book yourself to find out if Fermerder catches the villainous heel and brings him to an appropriate end (i.e. taps).

December 31: Along with people around the world, Punsters will be ringing in the new year at midnight. The traditional song sung at the moment the clock strikes twelve celebrates the story of Doodle Lang, an old mountain bootlegger who would stand on the top of his house and, at midnight, toss jugs of his ‘mountain dew” moonshine to the revelers who had gathered below. Lang would post a large sign in nearby villages, inviting people to his house for the celebration. The “Dew Drop” has become a tradition celebrated across the island, albeit now with trinkets and candies instead of liquor. The familiar lyrics of the song begin, “There is a man who’s name is Lang and he has a great big sign/ And Mr. Lang is very old, so they call it Old Lang’s Sign.”

Happy Holidays everyone!

This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by paranormal investigator, Phoebe Jeebees, who specializes in ghost removal. Call Phoebe Jeebees whenever the spirit moves you. Located in Boogen Villa at 8407 Paul Tergeist Place.

November 8-9: There are many fall festivals all across Pun and on this weekend the seaport city of Smorgasburg on the shore of Betonda Bay holds its Flounders Day celebration. The highlight is a fishing tournament held just for the halibut. The city also has many attractions that reflect its rich seafaring history. For the last two hundred years, ships have been guided into Betonda Bay by Miller Light, which was built in 1782 and immortalized in the 1897 novel, Miller Light by Tess Grate and Les Philling. Tours of the lighthouse are available and visitors can learn the amount of work involved in lighthouse keeping. Just a short walk from the lighthouse is the Smorgasburg Maritime Museum. Here, visitors can view displays of representative sea vessels from throughout Pun’s history. Prominently exhibited are the ketch Yurbreath, the launch Ainy, the barge Rye Tin, the schooner Orlater, and the ferry Godmother. Shoppers will enjoy Dock Holiday, a row of former warehouses on the bayfront that have been converted into specialty shops. You can find antique sleepwear at Yesterday’s Snooze, garden herbs at Mother Nature and Father Thyme , men’s suits from China at Kuppensaucer’s, and nautical knickknacks at Shipshapes, just to name a few. Looking for a good place to eat while in Smorgasburg? Try the Hearth and Sole and savor delicious seafood before a warm and inviting fireplace. This is north country dining at its finest. Home is where the hearth is.

November 10-17: This is Dinosaur Week at the Kolomaz Museum in Pun City. On display are fossils retrieved from the frozen wastes of the Dubbelon Tundra and from the ooze and mire of the Walter Wall Tar Pits. Some of the creatures whose bones have been pieced together apparently existed nowhere else on earth. You’ll see fossils of the Roget’s Thesaurus, the almost overlooked Nobodisaurus, the two-footed Dubbeldactyl, the deadly Red Commisaur, the foul-smelling Tyrannosaurs Reex, and the nocturnal Dusktodon. Also on display are the fossils of early mammals such as the Wooly Bully, the Tame Minotta Shrew, the Shuffelofta Buffalo, and a flying pig-like creature, the Hamm Hawk.

All month: The college football season on Pun winds down but there are still important upcoming games this month. Luna Tech is at Large, Sayva plays Foruss, Eeda hosts S. Twinky, Holm-Byer takes on Aydet, DeWolf is at Dedoor, and in a battle of military academies, it’s Sergeant at Arms.

This installment of “This Month In Pun” is brought to you by Eva Lye Potions and Magic. See Eva Lye for all your magical needs. Need some good luck fast? Eva’s amulets work like a charm. Located at 13 Every Witch Way, Boogen Villa, Pun.

IMPORTANT NEWS: The authors of this blog will be selling maps of the Island of Pun and the Free Associations at the Mossy Creek Festival in Perry, Ga., USA, on October 18th and 19th. We hope to see you there.

October 4-: Pun’s Baseball Championship Series gets underway as the Port Rate Painters, led by manager Borden Ezell, host manager Mann Friday’s Robbins Sun-Cruisers in the best-of-seven series.
October 10: October 10 is Independence Day on Pun. In 1791, the death of the Great Pun King, Charlebrown, resulted in a political vacuum because he left no heir. This led to a titanic struggle among Pun’s nobility for control of the ship of state. Eventually, through four years of back-stabbing, arm-twisting and throat-cutting, Lord Elordi of St Spreservus succeeded in dismembering the body politic and emerged as the head of a new political force that he ruled with an iron hand. He was crowned the new monarch in 1795. Elordi’s rise to power was so steeped in treachery that it is no wonder that his government soon found itself in hot water. His oppressive laws and taxes brought tensions to a boiling point and in 1800, Pun exploded in open rebellion. Elordi was backed by the aristocracy while the rebel front was made up of lesser nobility and the common people. Elordi viewed the commoners with disgust. “The people are revolting,” he said. “They have no reason to complain. They are a rabble without a cause.” The two sides met in a climactic battle in the streets of Pun City in 1802. The rebels stormed Bustov Palace (the royal residence) and captured the king. In exchange for his life, Elordi was forced to sign the Countov Manifesto, which established a constitutional monarchy and provided for an elected parliament as the legislative branch of government. This was great victory for the common people who, for the first time, were to have a voice in their country’s future. The day is commemorated across the island by fireworks displays and parades. Before the parade in Pun City, catch the Ouida Peeple Pre-Amble(named for a revolutionary martyr) through the streets of the city. The Grand Marshall for the Pun City parade is the President of the Pun Optimist Club, Saul Good. Check local sources for information about celebration details in other areas.
October 11-12: Ore Chasm in central Pun hosts the Flourish of Strumpets festival. Ore Chasm was a productive gold mining area in the late 1800’s and there are still many places in Ore Chasm where people still scratch and claw nuggets out of the once ore-rich rock. The festival celebrates the area’s history and features a hoedown on the floor of the ballroom of the homestead of Lady Moneydown, wife of Lord Halfmercy.
October 25: A lecture on Pun’s military history will be given at the “Tanks” Fordham Armory in Pun City by Pun Joint Chiefs of Staff member, General Vinnie Vidivici.
October 25-26: The artist’s colony of Sound Retreat on Veronica lake in central Pun is host to an art sale and wine tasting during the Arts and Carafe festival this weekend. Veronica Lake is is another of Pun’s beautiful lakes and offers boating, fishing, camping and water-skiing activities during summer months. The artists colony of Sound Retreat is on the lake’s south shore. It’s guest list reads like a Who’s Who of Pun’s artistic heriage. Over the years, the colony has been temporary home to the poets Tennyson Ewon, Whittier Want, Odette Burns, Sol Longfellow, R.U. Donne, Marshall Dylan, and Wordsworth Reading. Artists such as L.O. Dali, Herve Gaugain, E.Z. Monet, and Geddup Van Gogh have also sojourned here, enjoying the peace, tranquility, and beauty of this lake settlement.
All month: College football continues across the island. This month’s schedule finds Iam at Luzends, Stanley meets Livingston, Gulliver travels to Lilliput, Couch goes up against DeWall, Oprah battles Waite-Gaine, Delon goes to Seed and, in a homecoming game, Avery Juan welcomes Famley.

This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by I. M. Dunn Finishing School. When people ask you where you are going to further your education, tell them I. M. Dunn. Located in cities across Pun.

As autumn begins on the Islands of Pun and the Free Associations, the weather begins to turn foul. High winds, known as the Fish Gales, blow across the region, producing a wholly mackerel sky. High-level storm clouds, comprised of whirled cirrus, bring baseball-sized hail. There is usually a two-week respite from the steadily declining temperatures This period of “Indian Summer” is accompanied by Apache fog.

August 31 – September 6: The first week in September is designated as “Gnu’s Week” on Pun, which is celebrated annually to honor Pun’s national symbols, Goode Gnus.” See local sources for celebration details for each community. This year’s national slogan is “Goode Gnus – For the Time of Your Life.”

September 7-8: The Common Coal Festival is held in the Gesund Heights in central Pun. The festival consists of displays of mountain arts and crafts, many of which are made with the wood from trees that are indigenous to the area, the Aw-Aw Cashews Also on display are coal industry exhibits which attempt to demonstrate that the importance of coal to the economy is nothing to sneeze at.

September 22-29: Santa Lucia, on Pun’s west coast is host to the Maiden Fair, which runs through the entire week. The highlight is this Renaissance-style festival is the “Joust Between Friends” which gives fair-goers a pointed reminder of what Pun life was like during the island’s feudal period.

September 9: College football kicks off in the Tydee Bowl in Pun City as Joe College hosts crosstown rival Wotsamadda U. In other noteworthy games this week, it’s Luna Tech vs. Brigham Down, Frenzeed State goes up against Io U., DeOldman plays Checkers and Pavarotti plays DeMett.

September 22-28: The “Pirate Days Festival is held in the southern Pun city of Seville to commemorate the city’s history as a pirate base in the late 1700’s. The pirate influence on Seville remains evident even today. The homes of pirates Long John Undaweir and Cap’n Gown still stand and are open for tours during the festival. At Booty Rest, a local cemetery where pirates were said to have buried some of their treasures, lie the remains of another pirate, James Teach. alleged cousin of Edward Teach, commonly known as Blackbeard. James Teach was known as Blackboard and also Jungle Jim. The festival is held near the Old Harbor Market, which is preserved as it was in its heyday when plunder from pirate raids – food, wines, cloth, and jewels – was sold openly at exorbitant prices. Pirate corn, for example, was a buccaneer. Looking for a good meal while at the festival? Try The Pirate’s Blade, where tasty food and good service give the restaurant an edge over the competition. The house specialties are the swordfish and veal cutlass.

This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by Invictus Shoes, found in fine shoe stores throughout Pun. From its corporate headquarters in Foot Falls, Invictus Shoes strives to help you embrace its motto: “I am the master of my feet; I am the captain of my soles.”

August 1-31: For the entire month of August, the Dog Days celebration takes place in Baskerville in northwestern Pun. Baskerville is widely known as the dog-breeding capital of the island. Many breeds of dogs, found only on Pun, originated here, including the Allyn Shepherd, the Ferlin Husky, the Penny Pinscher, the Johnathan Livingston Beagle, and the Beemiup Scottie. Many activities are planned and include free trips across the Bay of DeHounds between Baskerville and Huckleberry on the Hounds Tooth Ferry. The festivities conclude on the 31st with the National Dog Show and the naming of the Best Dog in Show, won last year by Perro, an Habla Spaniel. Another highlight of the show is the customary singing of the puppy judges song, “I’m Going to Sit Right Down and Rate Myself a Litter.”

August 2-3: Nachos Island, off Pun’s southern coast, hosts the Chili con Carnival, with its chili cooking competition. This year, a new category – Hot and Sole – has been added to introduce fish chili to the competition. Commemorative T-shirts of the cook-off are popular with the crowds and feature the carnival slogan, “Bean There – Downed That.”

August 16-17: Courtens Park in Pun City is the site of this year’s National Kiss-Off, where couples kiss and try to be the last ones off the buss. This year’s festivities include romantic poetry recitations by Wordsworth Reading, Pun’s Poet Laureate, and love songs sung by Spanish songstress Bessie Mae Mucho.

August 30: A commemorative celebration of the rebuilding of Darwin’s Garage, a once famous landmark in Pun City takes place today. This is the site where Pun anthropologist Eve O’Lucien teamed up with military industrialist Darwin Savoir on an experiment involving Rhesus monkeys. Theorizing that monkeys could be trained to do mechanical tasks, the two placed one in Darwin’s Garage and put it to work on military vehicles. It immediately invented the monkey wrench. Soon, other garage owners were clamoring for grease monkeys of their own. “Simian ape,quick,” they’d plead. The experiment proved to be an unqualified success until a member of Darwin’s team tried to teach the monkeys to weld. One monkey got too near a gas pump and the resulting explosion leveled the garage and littered the surrounding area with Rhesus pieces.

July 6: A surfing competition and subsequent crowning of the “Chairman of the Board” are part of the attractions of DeGaydis Capers week at (where else?) DeGraydis Cape on Pun’s southern coast.

July 12: Northern Pun’s city of Smorgasburg hosts its annual Rat Race (also known as the C. Howdy Run), a 10-K event held each July along the shoreline of Betonda Bay. Last year’s winners were Mary Thon and Amahl Tuckerdout. If you like to get your exercise on the dance floor, you might try Smorgasburg’s Swedish Meet Ball, held in conjunction with the Rat Race. This marathon dance is held in the ballroom of the Swede Dreams Hotel.

July 18-20: The local mental health clinics of Grape Harbor benefit from the proceeds of a wine-tasting celebration during the Days of Wine and Neurosis festival kicking off on the 18th and running into the weekend.

July 28-29:The Pun Country Music Festival is held this weekend in MacTruck in western Pun.Headliners this year include Hank O’Hare, who will be singing songs from his new album Bald and Chained, including “High Price Toupee,” “Indian Princess (Let Me Keep Your Wig Warm),” and “No Pain, Rogaine,” and folksingers The Country Girls Trio (Shelby Cumming, Rhonda Mountain, Gwen Sheekums), whose biggest hit was “If I Had To Do It All Over (I’d Do It All Over You)”

June 2-7, 2014: The Oh! Migration festival, held in Babaloo on the island of Santa Lucia (the Isle of Lucy), celebrates Pun’s inland expansion from the coastal city-states. Thousands gather to participate in activities centered in and around Pepptobiz Mall to honor the spirit that helped settle the interior.
June 8: Batteries Park, on the south side of Point Spread in south central Pun, is the site of a special celebration honoring the city’s history as an important military post. The artillery battery cannon, known as The Guns of Neveron, which for years protected Honorondo Bay and Pun’s capital from marauding pirates such as Long John Undaweir, are still fired once a year to recreate their historic role in Pun’s history. The city creates a festival around the event, held each year on Neveron Sunday.
June 16-22: Mon Key holds its Mon Key Shines festival through this week, highlighted by barrel races, business exhibits, a wrench toss, and the “Gorilla My Dreams” beauty pageant.
June 22: In eastern Pun, the longest day of the year is celebrated in a huge arts and crafts show at the site of Pun’s largest waterfall (720 ft.). Check out The Bigger Day Arts at DeHarderday Falls.
June 30: Judge Crater was formed in eastern Pun about 10,000 years ago when a meteorite crashed into the earth.The crater is named for Hubie D. Judge, the man who discovered and mapped it 1741, and is primarily known for its vast fields of mint that grow in the crater. The rich land of the area gives the mint a strong bouquet and flavor that is highly prized by Pun citizens. A celebration is held every year and people come from all over the island to partake in the festivities on June 30, Judge Mint Day.
All Month: The National Museum of Dance History in Foot Falls has special exhibits all month long with reduced admission prices. Visitors can view films and displays and also follow footprint patterns on the floor to do the King Conga, Little Black Samba, Izzit Reel, Lemon Twist, or the Carr Rhumba (also known as the Carr Hop or the Front End Shimmy). There are also displays covering the outlawed Strip Polka and the Buttin’s Key cannibals’ annual feast dance, the Hominy Minuet.
Featured Restaurant of the Month: Pasture Prime (formerly Livery’s Table) in Doodah in north central Pun. Owner and chef Runford DeRoses used to tend the old race horses that had been put out to pasture from the tracks in Doodah. After he retired, he opened this little eatery. Despite the tacky decor, this is a fine restaurant with an impressive a la carte selection. Try the house specialty, Pasture Prime, or the Belmont Steaks, or the Filly Mignon, and tell us if there isn’t something different about the texture and flavor of DeRoses’ cooking. Fresh baked Thoro Bread is served with each meal. Ample parking and quick service mean that you won’t have to wait furlong. Overlooking Betonda Bay.

Spring festivities and special events continue this month:

May 1 At Forest Landing, a town on the Stream of Consciosness, the Pun Communist Party holds its May Day celebration. The party’s society for men (the Marx Brothers) and it’s female counterpart (the Lenin Sisters) hold rallies, give speeches and, in general, attempt to recapture the glory of the Tsar Wars.

May 9-10 Check out the William Frolic in the town of Babaloo on Santa Lucia (The Isle of Lucy). Except for the traditional grape-stomping and candy-eating competitions and a performance by the zany rock band Dizzy Lou, activities for this year’s frolic were unavailable at press time. Expect the unexpected and you won’t be disappointed. Usually, everyone has a ball.

May 21 It’s Dennis Day in Pun City in honor of Seeyor Dennis, one of Pun’s most creative citizens. Dennis was a noted architect, engraver and designer. He constructed many of the country’s bridges, engraved the currency plates, and designed the royal crowns. His house, in the Tooth Acres subdivision of Pun City, is a national landmark and is open wide from 9-5 daily. Located at the corner of Ake and Payne.

May 22-25 Fort Ewinks hosts the Lazy Fair. No activities are planned, no arts and crafts demonstrated or displayed. Tourists are advised to leave this one alone.

All month Admission fees are greatly reduced this month at Pun City’s Aboynem Zoo. The zoo is one of the most delightful attractions in Pun City and a must see for tourists. Because Pun is an isolated island, the animal life is unique. Simulated natural environments showcase the wildlife to its best advantage. The “Tenk Yew Berry Marsh” simulates the environments of the Huckleberry Fen and and Howe’s Bayou regions of Pun. You’ll see Mad Adders and Dew Azure Toads. The “Ape Pre-cut Preserve” chronicles the devastating effects that rainforest clearing is having on the home of mountain gorillas and other species. The special class of animals in the “Black Boar Jungle” offers a mix of savage and violent predators, such as the Dotted Lion and the Rod’s Tiger (which hunts only in the heat of the night). The “Bornatabee Wilds” replicate Pun’s grasslands areas. You’ll see Saracen Roebuck, Hecklin Jackals, and Dix Eland there, to name but a few species. There is also a petting zoo for the kids at “Nocturnal Farm” where children can come face to face with Night Mares, Rapid Hartebeests, and Gotch Ewes. Aboynem Zoo is located at the corner of Wilde and Woo Lee. Plan on spending a full day.

It’s Springtime in Pun. The weather is temperate across most of the island with seasonal precipitation in the form of the Claude Rains.

April 4 is Doris Day in Pun, a national holiday honoring the birthdate of Doris O’Pun, a revolutionary leader during the rebellion of 1800, which opened the door to constitutional government in Pun. Check with city tourist bureaus for information on local celebration events.

On April 7, Shadowland Theme Park opens just south of Fort Knight in Central Pun. At Shadowland, you can hearken back to the days of yore as they were in Pun’s Dark Ages (the Age of Knights). Visitors to this medieval village can find adventure on thrill rides such as the “Dragontrain” roller coaster, frolic on a typical village common in the “Plague Ground,” watch simulated tortures and beheadings at “Rack and Roll at the Palace,” or get a bite to eat at “Serf’s Sup.”

April 14 -20 on the Bikini Islands finds the Bum’s Rush Festival in full swing. The highlight is the Kiester Parade on April 19.

April 22 marks the Punderground Festival in the town of Coopdyville, but we advise that you skip this event. Back in the 1920s, the street level was raised around the Courthouse Square in the downtown area. The stores on two adjoining streets, Investigation Alley and Contempt Avenue, were buried underground. In the 1980s, these underground shops were opened up by entrepreneurs and the Punderground was born. It was designed to be home to trendy shops, restaurants and taverns but now sports a notorious reputation for high prices and outright fraud. Most of the shops are under Investigation and the rest are beneath Contempt. In addition, part of the city’s old sewer system has been turned into a water park called Sewerslide. If you do choose to attend, you’ll find the most reputable shops to be Peter’s Cellars (a wine shop), Subs Terranean (featuring healthfood sandwiches), Buried Treasures (antiques), and The Under Warehouse (lingerie).