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This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by I. M. Dunn Finishing School. When people ask you where you are going to further your education, tell them I. M. Dunn. Located in cities across Pun.

As autumn begins on the Islands of Pun and the Free Associations, the weather begins to turn foul. High winds, known as the Fish Gales, blow across the region, producing a wholly mackerel sky. High-level storm clouds, comprised of whirled cirrus, bring baseball-sized hail. There is usually a two-week respite from the steadily declining temperatures This period of “Indian Summer” is accompanied by Apache fog.

August 31 – September 6: The first week in September is designated as “Gnu’s Week” on Pun, which is celebrated annually to honor Pun’s national symbols, Goode Gnus.” See local sources for celebration details for each community. This year’s national slogan is “Goode Gnus – For the Time of Your Life.”

September 7-8: The Common Coal Festival is held in the Gesund Heights in central Pun. The festival consists of displays of mountain arts and crafts, many of which are made with the wood from trees that are indigenous to the area, the Aw-Aw Cashews Also on display are coal industry exhibits which attempt to demonstrate that the importance of coal to the economy is nothing to sneeze at.

September 22-29: Santa Lucia, on Pun’s west coast is host to the Maiden Fair, which runs through the entire week. The highlight is this Renaissance-style festival is the “Joust Between Friends” which gives fair-goers a pointed reminder of what Pun life was like during the island’s feudal period.

September 9: College football kicks off in the Tydee Bowl in Pun City as Joe College hosts crosstown rival Wotsamadda U. In other noteworthy games this week, it’s Luna Tech vs. Brigham Down, Frenzeed State goes up against Io U., DeOldman plays Checkers and Pavarotti plays DeMett.

September 22-28: The “Pirate Days Festival is held in the southern Pun city of Seville to commemorate the city’s history as a pirate base in the late 1700’s. The pirate influence on Seville remains evident even today. The homes of pirates Long John Undaweir and Cap’n Gown still stand and are open for tours during the festival. At Booty Rest, a local cemetery where pirates were said to have buried some of their treasures, lie the remains of another pirate, James Teach. alleged cousin of Edward Teach, commonly known as Blackbeard. James Teach was known as Blackboard and also Jungle Jim. The festival is held near the Old Harbor Market, which is preserved as it was in its heyday when plunder from pirate raids – food, wines, cloth, and jewels – was sold openly at exorbitant prices. Pirate corn, for example, was a buccaneer. Looking for a good meal while at the festival? Try The Pirate’s Blade, where tasty food and good service give the restaurant an edge over the competition. The house specialties are the swordfish and veal cutlass.

This installment of “This Month on Pun” is brought to you by Invictus Shoes, found in fine shoe stores throughout Pun. From its corporate headquarters in Foot Falls, Invictus Shoes strives to help you embrace its motto: “I am the master of my feet; I am the captain of my soles.”

August 1-31: For the entire month of August, the Dog Days celebration takes place in Baskerville in northwestern Pun. Baskerville is widely known as the dog-breeding capital of the island. Many breeds of dogs, found only on Pun, originated here, including the Allyn Shepherd, the Ferlin Husky, the Penny Pinscher, the Johnathan Livingston Beagle, and the Beemiup Scottie. Many activities are planned and include free trips across the Bay of DeHounds between Baskerville and Huckleberry on the Hounds Tooth Ferry. The festivities conclude on the 31st with the National Dog Show and the naming of the Best Dog in Show, won last year by Perro, an Habla Spaniel. Another highlight of the show is the customary singing of the puppy judges song, “I’m Going to Sit Right Down and Rate Myself a Litter.”

August 2-3: Nachos Island, off Pun’s southern coast, hosts the Chili con Carnival, with its chili cooking competition. This year, a new category – Hot and Sole – has been added to introduce fish chili to the competition. Commemorative T-shirts of the cook-off are popular with the crowds and feature the carnival slogan, “Bean There – Downed That.”

August 16-17: Courtens Park in Pun City is the site of this year’s National Kiss-Off, where couples kiss and try to be the last ones off the buss. This year’s festivities include romantic poetry recitations by Wordsworth Reading, Pun’s Poet Laureate, and love songs sung by Spanish songstress Bessie Mae Mucho.

August 30: A commemorative celebration of the rebuilding of Darwin’s Garage, a once famous landmark in Pun City takes place today. This is the site where Pun anthropologist Eve O’Lucien teamed up with military industrialist Darwin Savoir on an experiment involving Rhesus monkeys. Theorizing that monkeys could be trained to do mechanical tasks, the two placed one in Darwin’s Garage and put it to work on military vehicles. It immediately invented the monkey wrench. Soon, other garage owners were clamoring for grease monkeys of their own. “Simian ape,quick,” they’d plead. The experiment proved to be an unqualified success until a member of Darwin’s team tried to teach the monkeys to weld. One monkey got too near a gas pump and the resulting explosion leveled the garage and littered the surrounding area with Rhesus pieces.

July 6: A surfing competition and subsequent crowning of the “Chairman of the Board” are part of the attractions of DeGaydis Capers week at (where else?) DeGraydis Cape on Pun’s southern coast.

July 12: Northern Pun’s city of Smorgasburg hosts its annual Rat Race (also known as the C. Howdy Run), a 10-K event held each July along the shoreline of Betonda Bay. Last year’s winners were Mary Thon and Amahl Tuckerdout. If you like to get your exercise on the dance floor, you might try Smorgasburg’s Swedish Meet Ball, held in conjunction with the Rat Race. This marathon dance is held in the ballroom of the Swede Dreams Hotel.

July 18-20: The local mental health clinics of Grape Harbor benefit from the proceeds of a wine-tasting celebration during the Days of Wine and Neurosis festival kicking off on the 18th and running into the weekend.

July 28-29:The Pun Country Music Festival is held this weekend in MacTruck in western Pun.Headliners this year include Hank O’Hare, who will be singing songs from his new album Bald and Chained, including “High Price Toupee,” “Indian Princess (Let Me Keep Your Wig Warm),” and “No Pain, Rogaine,” and folksingers The Country Girls Trio (Shelby Cumming, Rhonda Mountain, Gwen Sheekums), whose biggest hit was “If I Had To Do It All Over (I’d Do It All Over You)”

June 2-7, 2014: The Oh! Migration festival, held in Babaloo on the island of Santa Lucia (the Isle of Lucy), celebrates Pun’s inland expansion from the coastal city-states. Thousands gather to participate in activities centered in and around Pepptobiz Mall to honor the spirit that helped settle the interior.
June 8: Batteries Park, on the south side of Point Spread in south central Pun, is the site of a special celebration honoring the city’s history as an important military post. The artillery battery cannon, known as The Guns of Neveron, which for years protected Honorondo Bay and Pun’s capital from marauding pirates such as Long John Undaweir, are still fired once a year to recreate their historic role in Pun’s history. The city creates a festival around the event, held each year on Neveron Sunday.
June 16-22: Mon Key holds its Mon Key Shines festival through this week, highlighted by barrel races, business exhibits, a wrench toss, and the “Gorilla My Dreams” beauty pageant.
June 22: In eastern Pun, the longest day of the year is celebrated in a huge arts and crafts show at the site of Pun’s largest waterfall (720 ft.). Check out The Bigger Day Arts at DeHarderday Falls.
June 30: Judge Crater was formed in eastern Pun about 10,000 years ago when a meteorite crashed into the earth.The crater is named for Hubie D. Judge, the man who discovered and mapped it 1741, and is primarily known for its vast fields of mint that grow in the crater. The rich land of the area gives the mint a strong bouquet and flavor that is highly prized by Pun citizens. A celebration is held every year and people come from all over the island to partake in the festivities on June 30, Judge Mint Day.
All Month: The National Museum of Dance History in Foot Falls has special exhibits all month long with reduced admission prices. Visitors can view films and displays and also follow footprint patterns on the floor to do the King Conga, Little Black Samba, Izzit Reel, Lemon Twist, or the Carr Rhumba (also known as the Carr Hop or the Front End Shimmy). There are also displays covering the outlawed Strip Polka and the Buttin’s Key cannibals’ annual feast dance, the Hominy Minuet.
Featured Restaurant of the Month: Pasture Prime (formerly Livery’s Table) in Doodah in north central Pun. Owner and chef Runford DeRoses used to tend the old race horses that had been put out to pasture from the tracks in Doodah. After he retired, he opened this little eatery. Despite the tacky decor, this is a fine restaurant with an impressive a la carte selection. Try the house specialty, Pasture Prime, or the Belmont Steaks, or the Filly Mignon, and tell us if there isn’t something different about the texture and flavor of DeRoses’ cooking. Fresh baked Thoro Bread is served with each meal. Ample parking and quick service mean that you won’t have to wait furlong. Overlooking Betonda Bay.

Spring festivities and special events continue this month:

May 1 At Forest Landing, a town on the Stream of Consciosness, the Pun Communist Party holds its May Day celebration. The party’s society for men (the Marx Brothers) and it’s female counterpart (the Lenin Sisters) hold rallies, give speeches and, in general, attempt to recapture the glory of the Tsar Wars.

May 9-10 Check out the William Frolic in the town of Babaloo on Santa Lucia (The Isle of Lucy). Except for the traditional grape-stomping and candy-eating competitions and a performance by the zany rock band Dizzy Lou, activities for this year’s frolic were unavailable at press time. Expect the unexpected and you won’t be disappointed. Usually, everyone has a ball.

May 21 It’s Dennis Day in Pun City in honor of Seeyor Dennis, one of Pun’s most creative citizens. Dennis was a noted architect, engraver and designer. He constructed many of the country’s bridges, engraved the currency plates, and designed the royal crowns. His house, in the Tooth Acres subdivision of Pun City, is a national landmark and is open wide from 9-5 daily. Located at the corner of Ake and Payne.

May 22-25 Fort Ewinks hosts the Lazy Fair. No activities are planned, no arts and crafts demonstrated or displayed. Tourists are advised to leave this one alone.

All month Admission fees are greatly reduced this month at Pun City’s Aboynem Zoo. The zoo is one of the most delightful attractions in Pun City and a must see for tourists. Because Pun is an isolated island, the animal life is unique. Simulated natural environments showcase the wildlife to its best advantage. The “Tenk Yew Berry Marsh” simulates the environments of the Huckleberry Fen and and Howe’s Bayou regions of Pun. You’ll see Mad Adders and Dew Azure Toads. The “Ape Pre-cut Preserve” chronicles the devastating effects that rainforest clearing is having on the home of mountain gorillas and other species. The special class of animals in the “Black Boar Jungle” offers a mix of savage and violent predators, such as the Dotted Lion and the Rod’s Tiger (which hunts only in the heat of the night). The “Bornatabee Wilds” replicate Pun’s grasslands areas. You’ll see Saracen Roebuck, Hecklin Jackals, and Dix Eland there, to name but a few species. There is also a petting zoo for the kids at “Nocturnal Farm” where children can come face to face with Night Mares, Rapid Hartebeests, and Gotch Ewes. Aboynem Zoo is located at the corner of Wilde and Woo Lee. Plan on spending a full day.

It’s Springtime in Pun. The weather is temperate across most of the island with seasonal precipitation in the form of the Claude Rains.

April 4 is Doris Day in Pun, a national holiday honoring the birthdate of Doris O’Pun, a revolutionary leader during the rebellion of 1800, which opened the door to constitutional government in Pun. Check with city tourist bureaus for information on local celebration events.

On April 7, Shadowland Theme Park opens just south of Fort Knight in Central Pun. At Shadowland, you can hearken back to the days of yore as they were in Pun’s Dark Ages (the Age of Knights). Visitors to this medieval village can find adventure on thrill rides such as the “Dragontrain” roller coaster, frolic on a typical village common in the “Plague Ground,” watch simulated tortures and beheadings at “Rack and Roll at the Palace,” or get a bite to eat at “Serf’s Sup.”

April 14 -20 on the Bikini Islands finds the Bum’s Rush Festival in full swing. The highlight is the Kiester Parade on April 19.

April 22 marks the Punderground Festival in the town of Coopdyville, but we advise that you skip this event. Back in the 1920s, the street level was raised around the Courthouse Square in the downtown area. The stores on two adjoining streets, Investigation Alley and Contempt Avenue, were buried underground. In the 1980s, these underground shops were opened up by entrepreneurs and the Punderground was born. It was designed to be home to trendy shops, restaurants and taverns but now sports a notorious reputation for high prices and outright fraud. Most of the shops are under Investigation and the rest are beneath Contempt. In addition, part of the city’s old sewer system has been turned into a water park called Sewerslide. If you do choose to attend, you’ll find the most reputable shops to be Peter’s Cellars (a wine shop), Subs Terranean (featuring healthfood sandwiches), Buried Treasures (antiques), and The Under Warehouse (lingerie).